A Field Guide to Tailgating Douchebags

Football season is in full effect, and we all know what that means: Tailgates.

Like no other sport, football manages to attract tailgaters like flies, starting parties on college campuses and stadium parking lots across the country. After all, when a beer costs $8 in the average NFL stadium, what better way is there to get a party started than with a tailgate? There's no better way to get ready for a game than with a six-pack, good food, and good people.

Unfortunately, given the crowd that football can attract, you're more than likely to run into a few annoying characters who completely kill your buzz. Whether they're too drunk, too hype, too bro-ish, or too lame, the douches you'll find at any football tailgate—whether in college or the NFL—run a wide range.

To give you a visual idea of exactly what we're talking about, we've compiled our very own Field Guide to Tailgating Douchebags. Come game day carry this around with you to help navigate the jungle of overbearing tools, and see just how many of these types you can find.

Illustrations by Justyn Iannucci (@JustynIannucci)

In the slowly evolving timeline of frat fashion, the suit and tie line of pregame apparel has, mercifully, finally found its way out the door. These days, when attending a tailgate at a university, you're more likely to see tank-tops and lax pinnies than blazers and sport coats.

However, just because they've become an increasingly rare breed doesn't mean that "classy" douches like the man you see above are no longer existent. Rest assured, the strange legacy of ruining your treasured suit coat with vomit stains and spilt beer lives on. The "classy" douche fancies himself to be engaging in a sort of sophisticated irony, dressing up for an occasion where we are all so regularly debased. Good one, dude. But, honestly, save yourself a trip to JoS. A. Bank and just wear a t-shirt or something. You'll thank us later.

1. A plastic pair of Ray-Bans bearing his frat's letters on the arms, purchased in a bulk order at the beginning of tailgating season

2. A bright, attention-seeking blazer showing off his school's colors

3. Pink, J. Crew chino shorts to ensure everyone that he's not taking himself too seriously

4. Cheap, flavored vodka used to start a conversation with any desperate sorority girl in need of a shot

5. Shower sandals. Ugh.

Tailgating and day-drinking are exhausting activities. It's a #firstworldproblem, but, truly, consuming large amounts of alcohol and partying from 6 a.m. until kick-off can wear anyone down. And it's aggressive, hyper-masculine dickheads like this douche who only make the party harder.

The competitive drinker looks at partying as a lifestyle and as a badge of honor. It's the way he is able to stand out in the crowd. Because he has absolutely no game and refuses to talk to women, he decides to shroud his crushing shyness and insecurity by dragging every dude in the vicinity into some sort of party game or chugging contest. Exchanges such as these are typical:

HIM: "Dude, come shotgun a beer with me. You're definitely not wasted enough right now."

YOU: "Yo, I'm good, man. I'm just gonna chill on this beer here."

HIM: "What the fuck are you? A pussy?"

YOU: *Sighs.*

1. Beer bong painted in his school's colors, constructed from a funnel and some plastic hosing he purchased at Home Depot

2. Swagless jeans sloppily crumpled at the ankles

3. A challenging, combative expression used to size-up and intimidate his opponent

4. TapouT brand clothing worn to emphasize his masculinity and dominance

5. A red Solo cup, forever asking to be refilled

The conflicted douche refuses to stick to one allegiance. While they're not necessarily a bandwagon fan, they love to hedge their bets by rooting for as many teams as is vaguely justifiable. You find these types of fans in New York, California, and any other regions or cities with multiple sports teams. Instead of just siding with either the Baltimore Ravens or the Washington Redskins, they decide that they're better off cheering for both teams. They have season tickets for both the Clippers and the Lakers, along with Kobe Bryant and Chris Paul jerseys to match. The 2000 World Series was the greatest moment of this douche's life.

However, we're not falling for their lame lines and barely plausible excuses for why exactly they've decided to cheer for the Oakland Raiders and the San Francisco 49ers. Pick. A. Side. In sports, we all have to do it. Yes, we all want to be able to root for the winning team, but, unfortunately, life never works out so neatly.

1. Custom-made baseball cap showing off their dual allegiances

2. Clueless shrug, essentially turning them into a human shrug emoticon.

3. The New York Giants logo, forcefully meshed into an unholy union with the Gang Green

4. The New York Jets logo, trying to, somehow, pull itself away from the seams binding it to Big Blue

The mooching douche only came for the party, but, unfortunately, they didn't bring along any of their own. Sure, they read the Facebook invite for the tailgate, and they saw how you mentioned, at least two or three times, that the event was BYOB and that everyone should bring a dish to pass, but this douche, too lazy to be considerate, decided to try and slip in unnoticed, steal a few beers and some brats, and then take off.

Don't feel sorry for the mooching douche. They aren't poor. They don't need your help or sympathy. Actually, things have been going pretty well for them lately! They have a job, a studio apartment, and can afford to eat out most nights. Unfortunately, they've yet to take it upon themselves to learn how to make a decent casserole, or to simply go to the store and grab some snacks. C'mon, man, you were "too busy" to swing by 7-Eleven and pick up a six-pack? Right.

1. Empty pockets, as he refuses to carry any cash on him at any time

2. A sheepish, apologetic grin used to elicit sympathy

3. A t-shirt so self-aware of his own behavior that you can't help but be impressed

4. Air Jordans too nice for someone who can't even take it upon themselves to buy a bag of fucking Lays

The lax bro is the king bro of all bros right now. We don't know if you've heard, but lax is chill as fuck. Maybe it's because lax players rip more bongs than any other athletes on campus. Maybe it's because of the sick lettuce coming out of the backs of their buckets. Whatever the case, other bros want to be them, and laxstitutes want to be with them. They don't give a fuck about what Jay-Z says.

1. The "sick lax stick"

2. The "fucking awesome beer"

3. The "chill shades"

4. The "tight frat"

5. The "hardo lax pinnie"

6. The "epic shorts"

Every now and then, we all have to take a step back and remind ourselves that football, baseball, basketball, soccer, and whatever other sport we may like to follow are just stupid, silly games. However, the overzealous douche is well past the point of understanding that sports are not matters of life and death. To these sorts of fans, sports and their associated pageantry are a reason to get up in the morning. It's what they live and breathe. Every offseason, they mark down each day on their calendar, anxiously looking toward the gear and apparel they've assembled in their closet, waiting until, finally, a new season will begin. Or, really, even the preseason will suffice. Or the draft. Honestly, they'll just take what they can get.

Tailgating with douches like this is an ordeal. While you just wanted to drink a beer, hang out with your friends, and maybe throw a ball around in the parking lot, they want to make the event into a spectacle. It didn't have to be anything crazy. It didn't have to be anything special. But then they roll up, half-nude, painted from head-to-toe, screaming in your ear about how your team is going to "kick some ass today". And now you're stuck with him for the next six hours.

Oh, sweet, now he's shit-talking a 5-year-old who is wearing a jersey for the opposing side. Perfect.

1. Tricorne hat because he thinks he's actually Blackbeard

2. Eyepatch because he thinks he's actually Blackbead

3. Wearable, wooden pirate ship because he thinks he's actually Blackbeard

4. Striped pantaloons because he thinks he's actually Blackbeard

5. Black, gold-buckled dress shoes because he thinks he's actually Blackbeard

In recent years, food culture has exploded in the United States, birthing an entirely new wave of foodies, health snobs, and self-proclaimed nutritional experts who love to pore over everything we're eating. Included in this group is the foodie douche, a tailgater who turns his nose up at the unrefined meats, hop-less beers, and disgusting snacks we shovel into our mouths on gameday.

Instead, the foodie douche believes in creating a high-class dining experience out of an event that is meant to be engorged and classless. He ignores the fact that we all came here to eat overpriced peanuts and pizzas and fake, plastic-looking cheese sauces. Basically, he's trying to make one thing into something that it just isn't. As a result, the foodie douche refuses to yield control of the grill or any cooking responsibilities. He's a micro-managing control freak who won't let you eat an Oscar-Mayer hot dog without scoffing at you.

1. Spiky, blonde tips inspired by his guiding light and inspiration, Guy Fieri

​2. Apron bearing a lame, groan-worthy pun about his grill-mastery

3. Organic, Miller-Lite battered sausages

4. A book on artisan nacho cheeses

The statistically-obsessed are a helpful but occasionally annoying subset of sports fans who have emerged over the course of the last few decades from the pages of Bill James' Baseball Abstract. Gradually, the sabermetric geeks spread from baseball to other sports like basketball and football, giving us talents like Zach Lowe, Kirk Goldsberry, and Bill Barnwell.

Again, their insight can be hugely helpful for understanding how these games work, but every now and then, you come across one douche who can't just sit back and watch a game without trying to pin down every nuance and detail with a number. You're over here just trying to enjoy yourself at the tailgate, talking about the team, shooting the shit, and then this guy comes over to explain why exactly you're wrong about Tom Brady's passing efficiency outside of the pocket. Basically, he's a walking #wellactually.

1. An Oakland A's cap worn to honor his gawd, Billy Beane

2. Pale skin gained from too many hours spent inside, typing away on a computer

3. Clipboard upon which he charts out graphs and sketches home run flight paths

4. Stopwatch used to measure the hang times for every player on the Utah Jazz

5. T-shirt collected from his pilgrimage to the MIT Sloan Sports Analytics Conference

6. Dorky, pleated khakis

So, the wife needs a day away from the kids, and now you're responsible for them. That doesn't mean they need to be a total buzzkill, though, right?

Wrong.

Unless it's a family-style tailgate, most children are going to be firmly out of place at a tailgate. If your friends are still at a stage where they're crushing beer cans on their heads, challenging each other to drinking contests, and turning the fuck up, then you would be wise to steer your offspring clear away from the festivities. There's really no worse look than dragging around a crying toddler while your buddy is shoving a beer in your free hand.

1. What's his name, again?

2. Kid B

3. A beer he accidentally sloshed on Kid B after having a few too many

4. Cargo shorts filled with children's toys

5. Lame dad shoes

Let's be honest: Many of us have been this douche at one time or another in our lives. We got too drunk at the tailgate. We threw up. We passed out. We were supposed to be the designated driver and we messed up, big time. It happens.

Hopefully, you're not earning a reputation for shirking your responsibilities as a basically functioning human being, though. Sooner or later, we all need to grow up. In college, falling asleep on someone's front lawn in the middle of the day was relatively excusable. Now, when you're an adult human being with a job and other real-person considerations? Not so much.

1. The last, unfinished beer

2. Messy, unkempt hair

3. Car keys that were supposed to be used to drive friends home

4. Bloody knees scrapped after stumbling onto concrete

5. Wait, where are his shoes?