Don't cry for Kobe. He's the third leading scorer in NBA history. He has five rings and appeared in the Finals seven times. He signed a two-year, $48.5 million contract extension in the beginning of the 2013 season. When he signed that contract, everyone reported that it was going to be his last. So why the farewell parade all of a sudden? There's a simple answer, really.
He's playing like shit.
Oh, he scored 31 last night? He looked like vintage Kobe down the stretch, you say? The Lakers are 3-15. Open your eyes.
Byron Scott is enabling him to go out there and shoot 16 shots a game at a 30 percent clip from the field and 20 percent clip from three. He's one of the worst shooters in the league, sitting between Emmanuel Mudiay and Josh McRoberts, respectively.
The Lakers are using Kobe's undying self confidence as a tanking tactic. Whether he's in on the joke is a discussion for another day. Bottom line: it's an embarrassment.
I've hated Kobe his entire career. From when he wore sunglasses on his head when he declared for the NBA draft to him dragging the Lakers down this season. Relax, Kobe Stan—it's not a real type of hate. It's the type of hate that makes watching sports fun. I treat fandom in sports like I did as a kid watching the WWF. There's heroes and there's villains. Kobe has always been a villain to me, except when LeBron turned heel and went to Miami to work for Pat the Rat.
That's just the way people like myself choose to go about watching sports. We still appreciate what these stars have accomplished as many of us have been lucky enough to watch Kobe, LeBron, and Michael play in their primes. But that respect doesn't mean they can't still get these jokes, though.
You hear me, KD? When you get old and washed, you're gonna get these jokes, too.
Below is a brief roundup of Kobe Bryant's washedness. If your team ever took an L to the Lakers or if you're just a normal human being who enjoys it when a cold-hearted, emotionless basketball robot finally breaks down—enjoy. Bask in his washed glory.
Here's Kobe trying to cross some young punk up like he's at the Y after his wife finally let him leave the house last night:
Here's Kobe trying to draw a foul and then bricking a layup in the fourth quarter as the Lakers try to stage a comeback in the final two minutes:
In this one versus the Warriors, Kobe's missing layups and shooting airballs and it's glorious:
Ahh, here he is against my beloved Knicks at da Gawdin doing God knows what:
The couldn't even get his high school jersey number right (he wore 33):
This is great. I love it.
He swear he Mike:
Also, let us not forget that Kobe said the young Sixers may have thought he was going for 81 after hitting his first three shots last night:
Not only is he washed, he's senile too:
Bet they weren't thinking about getting 81 put on 'em after this block:
Put him in the washer, press heavy soil, extra rinse, and hang 'em out to dry:
Gonna miss ya, Kobester. But until then, you gotta get these jokes. Do it for the culture. Gotta laugh to keep from crying, right? Or so they say.