8 Ways We Can Make Football Fun Again

Image via Complex Original

The No Fun League is a hypocritical cash cow run by old money white men who view players as cattle. So, naturally, they would like their property to behave a certain way. Touchdown dances are all but outlawed in 2016 NFL. Can you imagine the zebras not letting Neon Deion’s highstep dances prosper because he’s using the ball as some sort of prop? Roger Goodell tries to justify the NFL’s crackdown with the ol' “our players are role models” shtick when some of these cats have rap sheets comparable to career criminals.

Attempting to take emotion out of the game is what’s driving down ratings, not American flag protests. Also, maybe the whole lying about concussions thing has something to do with fans not wanting to watch your sport. But it’s OK, blame the disobedient minority players for getting out of line. Looks like the Chinese Arena Football League is having way more fun than our guys. Quit being a jag-off, Goodell!—A.D.

We get that football is the ultimate team game but can the NFL ease up on the uniform and cleat restrictions, please? Goodell and his team of sideline enforcers wield a heavier hand than Stalin when it comes to flagging guys for not wearing approved gear. What’s the big deal in allowing Von Miller to play in the Yeezys? Why can’t Antonio Brown stunt in a pair of customs to honor Muhammad Ali? The NFL has absolutely no chill when it comes to letting its players do their thing and cements its status as the pettiest league with its uniform policy taking up PAGES of the rule book.—A.C.   

Fans tune into the NFL for all sorts of reasons: to watch their favorite team, to see if some poor receiver will get knocked into a fencing response, to check on the status of their $20 daily fantasy sports bet "contest," etc. What do fans not tune into NFL games to see? Pete Morelli or the mustache ref with the big arms explain why that last amazing play wasn't a catch. Or for them to nullify a touchdown because the offensive lineman with the brain injuries held a dude's jersey with his pinkie.

We get it, NFL—you have lots of rules. We get it. But nobody wants 20 flags a game. Nobody wants to see the best plays of the day called back because the left guard's foot wasn't perfectly perpendicular to the line of scrimmage. Just chill, call the obvious stuff, and let the viewers attempt to enjoy the 11 minutes or so of actual football being played.—M.P.

Since ratings are down, the NFL and its old farts for owners and executives have decided to limit teams on how they use their respective social media accounts. Teams have to watch how many videos, GIFs, and pictures they post before, during, and after games. This seems counterproductive since the league broadcasts games live on Twitter doesn’t it? Why not embrace the younger generation—who are quickly losing interest in your sport—and this powerful free marketing tool called the internet? Old people will never understand the power of a dank meme and it’s a sad, sad state of affairs.—A.D.

Do we need games on Thursday night? Not when they are consistently awful matchups (Titans-Jaguars, anyone?) and feature teams that are dead tired from having played only four days ago. And do we need games in London that start at 9:30 in the morning on the east coast, 6:30 in the morning out west? Hell no. The NFL had a good thing going for a while—three windows of games on Sundays and then the Monday night matchup to cap the week. That was enough to satisfy the hunger yet keep you wanting more.

Now, because Roger Goodell is strictly money obsessed, the league is taking advantage of every opportunity idiotic TV execs offer up to put games on a different time. That’s undoubtedly good for business but bad for the quality of play. Newsflash to the NFL: there is such a thing as football overkill. With all these games and barely a break, by the time the Sunday Night Football rolls around a lot more people are ready to switch over to HBO and say peace to the NFL until the following week.—A.C. 

Football players are just that—football players. They're not Marines, they're not breast cancer awareness billboards, and they damn sure aren't model citizens for America's youth to look up to. They're muscular dudes who hit each other for a living. The NFL recently returned the $700K+ in TAX DOLLARS it received for sponsored military tributes aka "paid patriotism," and has come under fire for only donating small percentages of the pink breast cancer awareness month apparel to, you know, cure actual breast cancer. Why was this ever the case? Let football players be football players, and stop using them as props to help the military recruit young lower class Americans.—M.P.

The Shield already openly condones gambling since they’re cool with daily fantasy sports sponsoring the RedZone Channel, so why not get on board with the kind you can legally do in Vegas and illegally do just about anywhere else? Seriously, the NFL’s popularity is largely predicated on people throwing dollars down on one side of the action and, just as a friendly reminder, a number of owners from the early days had legit gambling ties including New York Giants founder Tim Mara who was actually a bookie.

Gambling courses through the veins of the NFL but you’d never get Roger Goodell to admit that. He thinks gambling is the worst thing in the world and a threat to the integrity of the game—which is laughable on so many levels that it’s not worth the time listing them out. The Shield had no problem with its players launching themselves like missiles at each other up until a few seasons ago, but the idea of placing a wager on the Monday night game outside of Vegas makes them sick to their stomach? C'mon, man.—A.C.

WELCOME TO THE GAME YOU WERE WAITING ALL WEEK FOR!

*Two minutes of commercials*

GONNA START ANY MOMENT—YOUR KICKOFF IS NEXT!

*Two minutes of commercials*

AND THERE'S THE KICKOFF...IT'S A TOUCHBACK.

*Commercials*

FIRST AND 10 AND WOW THAT GUY'S KNEE WENT THE WRONG WAY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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WE'RE CARTING HIM OFF THE FIELD; CHECK OUT THAT PRAYER CIRCLE!

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AND WE'RE BACK. IT'S SECOND AND 10...INTERCEPTION!

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*Every viewer leaves home to buy a Ford F150, Cialis, and a 30 rack of Bud Light*—M.P.