Characteristics: Inexperienced; hats draw attention; Shoshanna runs with the same North-South motion as Frank Gore while high on crack


  • "You were so new to this life but god damn you got adjusted"—Drake

It's easy to forget the 49ers had only recently become a powerhouse with Kaepernick Kaerpernicking all over the place and San Francisco looking to advance deeper into the playoffs. Before this decade, the 49ers consistently missed the playoffs. But it finally happened: San Francisco found a competent head coach. The 49ers made it to the postseason the exact year Shoshanna lost her virginity (at the end of season one). Shoshanna kicked Ray in the groin and dropped him like the 49ers dropped Mike Singletary. Then she lost her virginity to the same dude (a slight deviation, but bear with us) the same time San Francisco flirted with postseason success, winning the Divisional before falling to the Giants.

Then there was the adjustment: Shoshanna cheats on Ray and dumps him when he's just trying to come up and get his shit together, which sounds a lot like what the Niners did to Alex Smith, who was solidifying his role as the "game manager" before getting injured and replaced by Kaepernick. It's all good though, because Shoshanna is out and about having the time of her life now, and San Francisco won a conference championship and is once again a favorite. And Drake predicted this.

  • Pro Camaraderie

Although Shoshanna isn't really that much of a help to the other three mostly because of her weirdness and naïveté, she's still pro-Marnie/Shoshanna/Jessa. The source of San Francisco's one-for-all mentality is extremely different; you'd be cocky as hell too if you had Colin Kaepernick's biceps and, yeah, Jim Harbaugh may catch a body if otherwise. But the intentions are similar. Shoshanna doesn't drive Hannah to pick up Jenna, but she's there. Kaepernick didn't slap Aldon Smith's bottle out of his hand and give him a Joe Clark-style talking to, but San Francisco did allow him to clean himself up before returning. Shoshanna wouldn't snuff somebody like Kaepernick's teammate was about to after Clay Matthew's late hit, but she will mess you up by just being weird. Ask Adam.


  • Hat Game Vicious

Did that hat Shoshanna wore during the season two premiere symbolize the loss of her virginity? Nah, but it's a dope hat. The beanies Kaepernick and Frank Gore wore after the win against the Packers didn't symbolize much of anything either. But the beanie game was still immaculate. The only bad part is those hats work so well that you can sometimes forget the wearer's prior accomplishments, like San Francisco's extremely close win and Shoshanna finally losing her virginity. That's a small loss for dope hats.

  • Inexperienced

Shoshanna may be getting some action, but she's still relatively inexperienced. The other three girls have been having sex way longer than Shoshanna (Marnie said she started at 14), and out of the remaining starting quarterbacks, Kaepernick has the least overall experience. That's not too much of an issue though. Kaepernick is getting better, and so is Shoshanna from the looks of the dude cuddled up like a little pooch next to her at the beginning of the season.