Chrissy Teigen posted a lengthy note on Instagram Sunday where she spoke about her struggles with fully processing the loss of Jack, her third child with husband John Legend.  

Teigen revealed she has been “slightly down lately” ever since the day she had been trying to figure out a caption for the follow-up to her two previous cookbooks, Cravings and Hungry For More, and typed, “My third baby is here!!” Even though she was referencing her third cookbook, those words made her realize that her “third baby will never be here.” 

“Then I realized I threw myself into the book to not think of the real, actual third baby,” she wrote. “I don’t really feel like I fully processed jack and now that I don’t have the alcohol to numb it away, things are just…there, waiting to be acknowledged.” 

Teigen shared the heartbreaking news of her pregnancy loss in September. “We never decide on our babies’ names until the last possible moment after they’re born, just before we leave the hospital,” she wrote. “But we, for some reason, had started to call this little guy in my belly Jack. So he will always be Jack to us.”

In late December, Chrissy took to her Stories to talk about a book she received from her “doctor and friend” one month prior, and how it inspired her to quit drinking. The following month, she updated her followers on her continued sobriety while attending Joe Biden’s presidential inauguration.  

Teigen’s newfound sobriety coupled with fully processing her pregnancy loss has made her realize that “life is so fucking complicated.” 

You can read her post in full below.