A Gentleman's Guide to Jealousy

Jealousy contaminates love like a virus. Like mono, it seeps into your blood and stays there. It's an infection that invades your relationship, devouring everything that's viable and healthy until there is nothing left.

A hopeless prognosis, we know, but nothing is set in stone. You can still evade the grasp of the green monster, even if you're currently in its grip. If your girl is a vivrant thing, you need to take a tip from, er, Q-Tip, who once wisely stated: "And even though we both fly, give each other space and not the evil eye." Believe it or not, it's just as easily said as done. Let us show you how with our Gentleman's Guide To Jealousy.

By Shanté Cosme (@ShanteCosme)

Believe it or not, jealousy isn't always negative. Consider the following scenario:

In a crowded party, you catch sight of your girlfriend talking to a guy who is clearly flirting with her. You can perceive this (and react accordingly) in one of two ways:

1) Seeing someone express interest in your partner can confirm your desire for them (or even ignite it) if you feel secure in your relationship. It can confirm your commitment (after all, she's going home with you, not him), and her trustworthiness (because you know she's going to deflect his advances) and you either won't mention it, or flash her a smile and quick wink at her from across the room.

2) Or, it can enflame you, and cause you to do or say something you will undoubtedly regret, like stride across the room and make a snide comment or worse yet, a scene. Why you mad, brah? Your partner can't control who finds them attractive, but if you're reacting like this, you clearly need to learn how to control your jealousy.

Every person you date initially deserves to be given the benefit of the doubt. Trust is a gift you bravely parcel out. It is not earned. It is not contingent on the failures of your past relationships. It's free, and the person you're dating should be cleared of doubt until they give you a legitimate, solid reason otherwise (like cheating on you).

But if that's not the case, we're sorry to say, your jealousy is on you, and it has the capability to destroy your relationship if not reigned in. If you're inclined to be jealous, you need to figure out why, where it's coming from, and deal with it before it destroys your relationship. Ideally you should settle this before you start to date someone.

At the root, jealousy is not based on your partner's actions. Jealousy is inadequately trusting your partner based on your own fears; it's thinly veiled insecurities become finger-pointing. If you're accusing her of doing wrong, it points to your own underlying anxiety that you don't deserve her, or lack the ability to maintain her interest.

If your girl is a dime, no doubt other people will take notice, but trying to control the woman you love by not allowing her to dress how she wants and do what she wants, with whomever she wants, won't change that. It will, however, make you look like an asshole, and run the risk of ruining the very thing you fear losing.

Jealousy is born from fear of loss. Rather than leaving her to deal with your issue, take control of the situation and see it for what it is.

Everyone, either vicariously (through witnessing a parent's divorce or a friend's relationship troubles) or first-hand (by having friends or people you've dated disappoint you) has experienced times when their trust has been betrayed, but it is your responsibility to understand how these experiences have affected you, so you can overcome them and give the person you're dating the trust they deserve.

Possible sources of fear you need to get past:

-You're reacting to your current girlfriend based on your past girlfriend's shortcomings and/or failings.

-You've been promiscuous in the past, and are scared some weird karmic force is at work, and will come back to get you.

-Your partner does things that are suspicious or disrespectful, like not picking up their phone for long stretches of time or overtly flirting with others in front of you.

-You're insecure about the state of your relationship in general, and are worried that your girlfriend is either unhappy, or unsatisfied, and may soon stray.

While all of these are legitimate reasons to have trust issues, none of these give you a reason to lash at your unsuspecting partner. The first two are issues you need to work on within yourself, and the latter are things to be discussed with your partner (both of which we're going to tell you how to do).

Perhaps the worst part of jealousy is that, 99 percent of the time, the person you're with doesn't understand why you're acting the way you are. Instead, they probably think you're crazy.

It's your job to set them straight and level with them about what you're struggling with in a calm, sober way. If you've had infidelity issues in the past, address them openly, and sincerely express your fears going forward. Know that it's better to be open about your weaknesses rather than to have the person you're with make their own wild assumptions.

After you've leveled with her about where you're coming from, don't think you've got a free pass to continue misbehaving just because you've warned her. Discuss how to prevent the pattern, and what you need to build trust. Maybe it would be helpful if she were better at picking up her phone. Maybe you just need reassurance that she's satisfied with the relationship, or she might just need to be a bit more conscious of how friendly she is with strangers. Whether your anxieties are founded or completely irrational, it's healthy to discuss them.

Even after tackling your issues with your partner, you need to remind yourself that, in the end, whether or not you overcome your jealousy depends on you.

You need to get introspective and rationally consider why she's deserving of your trust and what you stand to lose if you don't give her it.

Also, know that by not giving someone trust because you suspect (fear, really) that they will squander it is counter-intuitive and it spurs resentment. No one wants the person they love to assume something terrible about them that isn't true. Feeling untrusted is as painful as believing your partner is untrustworthy.

By not trusting her, you reveal your own insecurities and self-doubt. It's the equivalent of whimpering, "Am I not enough?" which is completely unsexy. Conversely, by being confident in her faithfulness, you show confidence in yourself and your ability to make her happy.

Now that we've established how unattractive jealousy appears, let's work on showing her (and proving to yourself) that you're secure in yourself and in the relationship.

Start by giving her some privacy. If you were looking through her phone, hacking her Twitter, and trolling her Facebook for questionable interactions, quit that with the quickness. Cut that shit out.

If she's cheating, it will be revealed soon enough, but by playing detective, it makes the issue you and your jealousy, not her. Let go of your control issues (you realize that's what it is, right?) and resolve to trust her until given a reason not to. And to clarify, a legit reason is not her receiving a text from the opposite sex.

Let the girl live and choose to believe she's trustworthy; we swear, you will see a profound difference in your relationship, your self-esteem, and your satisfaction with the relationship.

The next step in building trust is understanding how time apart actually serves your relationship rather than hurts it. If you were previously the kind of guy who guilted her when she spent time with friends, this is for you.

Your new aim should be to act as if you truly trust your partner (even if you're still working on it), which undoubtedly means encouraging her to do what she wants. If she wants to have a drink with friends, don't guilt her out of it, urge her to go! If she mentions something came up on the night you usually spend together, let her know you're cool rescheduling. If she's not in the mood to get together, be understanding rather than making baseless assumptions.

The benefits of giving trust are two-fold: It will make her feel she's worthy of your trust (an expectation she'll want to live up to), and it will give you a chance to realize your fears were unfounded, which will be a great weight off your shoulders, and off the relationship.

At the end of the day, if you give trust and are proven wrong, you can take comfort in the fact that you still did everything right. You can walk away from the relationship, head held high because you gave someone an opportunity to be loved and trusted, and they squandered it. That's on them, not you.

However, having the relationship deteriorate due to your inability to overcome your jealousy, because you never gave them the opportunity to be trusted in first place—that rests squarely on you. She will now be the one you let get away, or rather, forced to leave due to your antics. In the end, it's really your choice: Which feelings would you rather be left with?

By no means are men the only ones who experience jealousy. Women are just as susceptible to getting caught in the green-eyed monter's grasp. If you're dealing with a jealous lady, here's our advice:

1. Make her read this, obviously.

2. Be worthy of trust.

3. Reassure her. Her jealousy, just like yours, springs from insecurity. Women in particular have a nasty habit of comparing themselves to other women. With that in mind, make it your mission for her to feel like she's (as John Mayer would say) "sexual napalm." Seriously, she should feel like Kate Upton in your eyes.

Show her she's desired, and most importantly, appreciated, and you'll be well on your way to making petty jealousy a thing of the past.