The 25 Funniest Strip Club Reviews on Yelp

Lots of people like to go to strip clubs. However, most of these individuals don't go home afterward to write long accounts of their experiences on Yelp. But the select few that do leave the rest of us with gems too ridiculous to be ignored. Whether through sheer ignorance, lack of class, strangeness, or just a great way of putting things, these reviews are all hilarious.

Here are the 25 Funniest Strip Club Reviews on Yelp.

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Strip Club: Ten's World Class Cabaret
City: New York
Address: 35 East 21st St.
Website: n/a

When you take on reading strip club reviews as a serious pursuit, you run into lots of folks who don't like c-section scars, but seldom do you encounter a reviewer making the claim that his own dancing would arouse him more than naked women dancing.

Strip Club: Clermont Lounge
City: Atlanta
Address: 789 Ponce De Leon Ave. NE
Website: clermontlounge.net

You can count on the female reviewers of strip clubs to be attuned to details like one stripper's love for the love between The Captain and Tennille. Then she goes on to describe how the stripper "adjusted her titties in her tight top." An eye for detail and an ear for alliteration. Bravo.

Strip Club: Sin City
City: Bronx, N.Y.
Address: 2520 Park Ave.
Website: sincitynewyork.com

We've never seen it so succinctly put, but "these bitches are magical" is what we think every single time we enter a strip club. Thanks for showing us the way, Kurvayshus B.

[Editor's Note—Check out Complex's take on Sin City here.]

Strip Club: Ten's World Class Cabaret
City: New York
Address: 35 East 21st St.
Website: n/a

We'll be haunted by the image of "one nasty chick with Lionel Richie's face" forever. That, and the image of Mario S. receiving a lap dance from a hedgehog. Strip clubs don't have to be this way, Mario S. You don't have to let the hedgehog dance in your lap.

Strip Club: FlashDancers
City: New York
Address: 1674 Broadway
Website: flashdancersnyc.com

Franky N. composes this thoughtful, introspective review of strippers while preparing rice. That's fittingly sage-like, considering the lesson he leaves the club with is that "strippers are humans."

Strip Club: King of Diamonds
City: Miami
Address: 17800 Northeast 5th Ave.
Website: kodmiami.com

Potential patrons take note: The strippers at King of Diamonds possess "big butts AND big boobs." That's correct. Both.

[Editor's Note—The palatial KOD holds down the No. 2 spot on our list of the best strip clubs in America.]

Strip Club: Larry Flynt's Hustler Club
City: New York
Address: 641 West 51st St.
Website: hustlerny.com

And the award for skeeziest strip club reviewer ever goes to Ric T. He advises that you "freeball it in linen pants or sweat pants to make sure both you and her have a good time!". Of course, when you freeball it, it's best to be with a dancer who will have you "like the washington monument."

Strip Club: New York Dolls
City: New York
Address: 59 Murray St.
Website:nydollsclub.com

This review wins an award for tapping so deeply into the male id that we get uncomfortable. We know all about the Lysol huffing, Alex C. And the flag bikini. God help us.

Strip Club: Clermont Lounge
City: Atlanta
Address: 789 Ponce De Leon Ave. NE
Website: clermontlounge.net

Damien S. is into some next-level kinks we can't full understand. And even if we did, we couldn't admit it lest we alienate our friends and family. Let the freak flag fly, Damien S.

Strip Club: Pussycat Lounge
City: New York
Address: 96 Greenwich St.
Website: pussycatlounge.com

"I had to practically pee standing up but one of the dancers was really friendly and offered me coke!" is the stuff dreams are made of. Our dirty, dirty dreams.

Strip Club: Rick's Cabaret
City: New York
Address: 50 West 33rd St.
Website: ricksnyc.com

And Haley M., please accept this review for douchiest female strip club reviewer. Your vivid description of your friend, "who happens to have forbes-status amounts of money," is so horrible we're laughing to keep from crying.

[Editor's Note—For a douche-less look at Rick's, please see this piece.]

Strip Club: Private Eyes
City: New York
Address: 320 West 45th St.
Website: privateeyesny.com

No other strip club reviewer makes such a serious case for strip club patronage as altruism. Round of applause.

Strip Club: Tootsie's Cabaret
City: Miami Gardens, Fla.
Address: 150 Northwest 183rd St.
Website: tootsiescabaret.com

James W., who hails from Hicksville, knows when to leave some things to the imagination. He demonstrates this so well when describing "insane tricks" that involved "a katana blade and a lemon." Nuff said indeed.

[Editor's Note—We're similary enthusiastic about Tootsie's, so much so that we named it the best strip club in America.]

Strip Club: FlashDancers
City: New York
Address: 1674 Broadway
Website: flashdancersnyc.com

Waxing a pole shiny with a glittering g-string finds its equal in the prose of Brutus A., who waxes so poetically, we puked on our shoes.

Strip Club: Goldrush
City: Miami
Address: 15 NE 11th St.
Website: n/a

"A bunch of ghetto fights broke out." Oh, dear.

Strip Club: Booby Trap
City: Miami
Address: 5922 South Dixie Hwy.
Website: stripclubdoral.com

"I saw men act like chimps smacking asses like forest fires. I felt like I was the wolf from those Tex Avery cartoons."

We've been sitting with these sentences for some time now, explicating the figurative language. But really though, "chimps smacking asses like forest fires," is poetry so deep we fell in and got lost.

Strip Club: Private Eyes
City: New York
Address: 320 West 45th St.
Website: privateeyesny.com

He didn't just fall in love with a stripper, he wrote a letter to the stripper via Yelp so we could all share in his experience. And hopefully learn from it.

Strip Club: Bare Necessity
City: Miami
Address: 9100 South Dixie Hwy.
Website: barenecessitymiami.com

What about the c-section scars and dripping skin like wrinkled leather turned this into a two-star experience?

Strip Club: Treasures
City: Las Vegas
Address: 2801 Westwood Dr.
Website: tresureslasvegas.com

So the club was a McMansion, but how was the ass clapping? Did the strippers pop their pussies as adequately as the chef prepared the Caprese salad?

Strip Club: Spearmint Rhino
City: Las Vegas
Address: 3340 South Highland Dr.
Website: spearmintrhinolv.com

Nothing to add here.

[Editor's Note—For Complex's thoughts on the Spearmint Rhino, please see this massive undertaking.]

Strip Club: Treasures
City: Las Vegas
Address: 2801 Westwood Dr.
Website: tresureslasvegas.com

OMG! With the exception of a single sentence, this could very well be a restaurant review. Which, okay, that's fine—except you were eating "mouth watering steak AND lobster" in full view of gyrating naked ladies. That didn't affect the meal? For real?

Strip Club: Deja Vu Showgirls
City: Las Vegas
Address: 3247 Industrial Rd.
Website: dejavushowgirls.com

There's a special place in hell for this guy. This review is funny in the way where you laugh to keep from curling up in a ball underneath your desk. His audacity!

Or, you know, he's got good advice if you're trying to roll like that.

Strip Club: Cheetahs
City: Las Vegas
Address: 2112 Western Ave.
Website: cheetahslasvegas.com

This man saw a stripper ride her bike home and wasn't impressed by her green ethics. He should've clapped for her. God knows, she probably did for him.

Strip Club: Sin City
City: Bronx, N.Y.
Address: 2520 Park Ave.
Website: sincitynewyork.com

"My dad is on my Facebook friendlist and I don't need that kind of pressure in my life." Girl, we understand.

[Editor's Note—Check out Complex's take on Sin City here.]

Strip Club: The Cheetah
City: Atlanta
Address: 887 Spring St. NW
Website: thecheetah.com

And with a single sentence, an okay review becomes legend. Yes, he just compared a strip club to Chipotle, the burrito chain. That's all, folks. Turn off the lights when you leave.