Image via Complex Original
When the face-eater attacked last weekend, people were quick to shun the strange behavior in Florida because, well, weird shit happens in the Sunshine State. But we were very wrong. In the past week, a man from New Jersey flung intestines at cops and another man ate another man's heart in Maryland. And though news outlets are looking for a quick fix to explain all of this ratchet behavior, we know what time it is: end times. We've gathered 15 news stories from the last few weeks that prove the zombie apocalypse is here.
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Swedish Researcher Removes Wife's Lips, Eats Them
Date: 6/1/2012
Over in Sweden, a former researcher at the Karolinska Institutet, a medical university, got so fed up with the thought that his wife was cheating that he cut off her lips. To ensure that they couldn't be reattached, he ate them. Welcome to the apocalypse.
Tokyo Chef Serves Genitals for Dinner
Date: 4/13/2012
Thanks to Twitter, some Japanese food aficionados had quite the feast. Mao Sugiyama, a self-described asexual from Tokyo, went under elective-genital removal surgery days after his 22nd birthday. He took to Twitter to announce what he would do with his prized jewels: "[Please retweet] I am offering my male genitals (full penis, testes, scrotum) as a meal for 100,000 yen …Will prepare and cook as the buyer requests, at his chosen location."
Six people signed up to eat the $250-a-plate meal, but only five showed up to the feast of genitals (served alongside button mushrooms and Italian parsley). Photos of the event, which were quickly taken down due to their graphic nature, showed dozens in attendance. Do your thing, Sugiyama. We're just worried about the diners.
The Chinese Cannibal
Date: 5/28/2012
Taking a page straight out of Hannibal Lecter's book, the "Cannibal Monster" in southwest China is no joke. The 56-year-old man was found with human eyeballs preserved in wine bottles, human flesh hanging to dry inside his apartment, and green bags overflowing with human bones strung from the rafters. No point in being discrete, right? Zhang Yongming killed a total of 11 young men and chopped up their bodies. Yongming fed the flesh to his three dogs; leftovers were sold as "ostrich meat." Known locally as the "Cannibal Monster," Yongming had previously served time for murder.
Passenger on Flight to Miami Restrained
Date: 5/25/2012
Most people wouldn't celebrate leaving Jamaica to come back to the U.S., but when 24-year-old Ryan Snider landed at Miami International Airport from Montego Bay he looked super-disoriented, storming to the front of the plane while it was taxiing. FBI officials said the Canadian man's action were not terrorism-related, but this whole incident doesn't make sense. They landed, he's safe, he's sad he's leaving Jamaica but now he's in Miami—why he would approach the front of the plane and act in a disturbed manner. Something is very wrong.
Georgia Woman Contracts Flesh-Eating Disease
Date: 5/1/2012
Necrotizing fasciitis is rare, so rare in fact that it's not a "reportable" disease. So when a 24-year-old Georgia girl fell from a zip-line into water in early May and contracted the disease, the story went viral. Aimee Copeland, a graduate student at the University of West Georgia, was riding a homemade zip-line when it snapped and she fell onto a rocky area of the Little Tallapoosa River—the gash on her leg ended up needing a whopping 22 staples. Days later, Copeland was having her left leg, right foot, and both hands amputated due to the flesh-eating disease.
A Rash in Florida
Date: 5/24/2012
Students at Lauderdale Lakes High School reportedly broke out in red, blistering rashes around their wrists—eerily similar to the McArthur High incident. The school was tested for over 160 chemicals, but no one can find an explanation...
Man Dismembers Man in Montreal, Ships Body Parts to Conservative Party HQ
Date: 5/30/2012
When you're making low-budget porn films in Canada, life has to be pretty miserable. But this adult film "star" made things so much worse. Luka Rocco Magnotta (his current alias) has been sought after for years for killing cats and posting videos of the process online. Most recently, he's suspected of killing a man with an ice pick. As if that's not weird enough, he dismembered the dead body, had sex with it, and ate it. Magnotta is also suspected of mailing this man's body parts all around Canada—a foot to the offices of the Conservative Party, a hand to a Canada Post warehouse. He's still at large.
McArthur High Students, Teachers Break Out in Rash
Date: 5/16/2012
Yet again in Florida, a high school was put on lockdown when a handful of students and teachers had to be "decontaminated" after a "red and blistering" rash spread over their bodies. Most of the school was quarantined after the outbreak. According to Florida news outlets, most of those who contracted the rash said they were too embarrassed to speak about what happened…
Florida Man Bites Kittens' Lips, Strangles Them
Date: 5/26/2012
Many studies suggest that childhood animal abusers evolve into serial killers. Let's hope this guy isn't a late-bloomer. 28-year-old Angel Vega Roman strangled a kitten, Oreo, a few weeks ago; he said he was depressed because his girlfriend left him so he decided to abuse a few kittens. Totally normal, right? But then he goes on to bite the lips off of a poor, helpless kitten, and burn its ears and whiskers with a lighter. The lips of a kitten are practically non-existent—how did he do this? Even animals aren't safe during this apocalypse.
Georgia Man Bites Lowe's Employees
Date: 5/26/2012
The most disturbing part of this story is the suspect's, Christopher Newman, ratchet mugshot, complete with shitty neck tattoos (yes, that does say "The Cure") and beady eyes staring right into your soul. Newman tried to shoplift from a Lowe's in Columbus, Ga. Newman, so very desperate to fix up his crib, began threatening employees with a knife and biting them until they bled. He went berserk, causing $135 worth of property damage inside the store.
California Man Bites Cousin's Nose Off
Date: 5/22/2012
We've all been there: you're at a family party, drinking and celebrating, when you and your annoying cousin start bickering. But this Cali resident took things to a not-normal place when he bit the tip of his cousin's nose off. Thankfully, the piece of nose was found shortly after the altercation, and while no names were released, someone's in jail. At least he's contained, right?
Florida Doctor Spits Blood at Cops
Date: 5/25/2012
In other ratchet Floridian news, a doctor snapped and spit blood in a cop's face. After being pulled over for a suspected DUI, Dr. Zachary Bird, an anesthesiologist, was thrown in the back of the cop car. From there, cops found a stack of cash totaling $40,000. He began screaming that the officers had taken his money (although it was still in his pocket at this point). To emphasize his point, he smashed his forehead on the Plexiglas window. Soon the blood was streaming down his forehead. Naturally, the officers removed him from the car for his own safety. Knowing damn well how unsanitary it is to swap bodily fluids, the doctor spit a mouthful of blood on the officer. His head bashing is all on video, too. Enjoy.
New Jersey Man Throws Intestines at Cops
Date: 5/27/2012
Just as everyone on the East Coast sighed in relief that this zombie fiasco was happening down South, some dude from New Jersey ripped his own intestines out and threw them at police officers. The 43-year-old man from Hackensack called police, saying that he was going to hurt himself. When officers arrived, Wayne Carter was crouched in the corner of a room repeatedly stabbing himself while screaming at police. To fend off the help he called, he threw chunks of skin and intestines at the cops.
2. Maryland Student Kills Roommate, Eats Brain and Heart
Date: 5/31/2012
Thursday, 21-year-old Alexander Kinyua, a Morgan State University student, confessed to devouring parts of his roommate's brain and all of his heart. It all went down in his family's home, where Kinyua's little brother found the victim's head and hands in some containers in the basement. He admitted to the cannibalism too, not showing a bit of remorse. The victim was a Ghanian national that had been staying with the family for months. The motive? No one knows, but Kinyua consulted his Facebook friends before the attack with some rather disturbing questions.
Miami Man Eats Homeless Man's Face
Date: 5/26/2012
This wasn't the first of the zombie attacks in Florida, but the tale of the Miami Face-Eater was definitely the most widely publicized. Rudy Eugene of North Miami Beach chewed off 75 percent of the face of an older homeless man, Ronald Poppo. The attack lasted 18 minutes on the side of a freeway before police arrived. When they did, an officer approached the naked man. Eugene raised his head, flesh dangling from his mouth, and growled: put your zombie rumors in the air. Thanks to Eugene, everyone now knows what these illegal street drugs, bath salts, are, and how they make people insane, strong, and hot enough to strip naked in broad daylight. Oh, and everyone also knows that this shithouse known as the world is currently going up in flames. Get your kicks in before it's too late.
