Image via Complex Original
The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class and the American dream. This week's roundup includes arson by way of bacon, public masturbation, and lots of DUIs. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing. Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].
RELATED: Breaker Breaker 1-9: This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America
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RELATED: Breaker Breaker 1-9: This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America
NYC Masseuse Slashed for Refusing to Give Man Happy Ending
Date: 4/3/14
Location: Queens, N.Y.
Crime: Attempted Robbery and Assault
Ratchet Meter: 7
Police in New York City say a man slashed a masseuse because she refused to give him a happy ending. Kenneth Lee, 29, reportedly met the 21-year-old woman at an apartment she rented through Airbnb on March 22 after replying to her Backpage.com ad. They initially got into an argument about price, but things really soured when Lee demanded that she pleasure him. When she refused, he allegedly pulled out a boxcutter and sliced her right arm. Lee fled, stealing a taxi cab as the driver--who left the keys in the ignition--ate pizza not too far away. Police tracked the vehicle to Sunnyside, Queens, where Lee was arrested and charged with attempted robbery and assault. What's more, he's been linked to the assault of a 59-year-old delegate for the Chinese consulate. Police say a day prior, Lee punched the woman, then ran off with her pocketbook. He was charged with robbery, and the New York Post adds that he may have other pending charges in New Jersey.
Philadelphia Man Held Captive, Beaten, Tattooed By Roommates
Date: 4/3/14
Location: Northeast Philadelphia
Crime: Kidnapping, Conspiracy, Robbery
Ratchet Meter: 9
Police in Philadelphia have charged four people who allegedly held their roommate captive, beat him and tattooed obscene images and racial slurs on his body. CBS Philadelphia reports that the victim, a 52-year-old man, was held against his will inside of a Northeast Philadelphia home from March 30 until Apr. 1. During that time, police say the man was given nearly a dozen tattoos, all of which are located on his arms. The tattoos include racial slurs and graphic images. The man was also assaulted, leaving him with injuries including bruised and swollen hands and eyes, as well as bruises to his torso, ribs and legs. He made his escape on the morning of Apr. 1 while his attackers slept. Officers found Jennifer Pratt, 29; David Thomas, 27; Corry Campbell, 20 and Sandra Ng, 20 inside of the home and arrested them. Authorities also discovered 155 grams of marijuana and assorted tattoo equipment. Each have been charged with simple and aggravated assault, recklessly endangering another person, kidnapping, theft, possessing an instrument of crime, conspiracy and robbery. The victim was treated for his injuries at Aria Health Torresdale Hospital.
Florida Man Arranges Phony Home Invasion to Avoid Work
Date: 4/3/14
Location: Brandon, Fla.
Crime: Providing Law Enforcement With a False Report
Ratchet Meter: 7
A Florida man who really, really didn't want to go to work on Monday was arrested for staging a bogus home invasion. Dwayne Yeager allegedly called police in Brandon, Fla. around 7:25 a.m. Monday morning to report a break-in at his home. Though he told police that windows in his son's bedroom were open and that he saw a Honda Civic pull off as he arrived, his lie was exposed when deputies began talking to neighbors. Police were told that Yeager left the house at 6:30 a.m., then came back at 7:15 a.m. An anonymous tipster (who clearly doesn't like Yeager) also told police they saw him walk through the door and open the front bedroom window himself. When confronted, Yeager told police that his wife essentially told him to take his dumb ass to work, but he didn't want to go like some overgrown child. He was arrested for providing law enforcement with a false report. If you hate your job that much, just quit. Or, better yet, just call out. Nobody should ever get arrested for doing something this stupid, but, you know, Florida...
Couple Scheduled to Appear on "Maury" Gets Into Sordid Pre-Show Fight
Date: 4/3/14
Location: Norwalk, Conn.
Crime: Domestic Violence
Ratchet Meter: 8
A couple with a less-than-solid relationship was arrested in Connecticut on Tuesday after it was revealed that the man slept with the woman's mother. If this sounds Maury-ready, know that the dysfunctional duo were scheduled to appear on the show. The universe is just funny like that. Police were called to the DoubleTree Hotel in Norwalk, Conn. on Tuesday night and found 25-year-old Shantae McGhee-Brown in the hallway clad in just a towel. She admitted to breaking a table and throwing a vase at 47-year-old John Coley when his exceptionally piercing infidelity was revealed. Coley tried to tell police that McGhee-Brown was fighting with another John Coley. Right. Both were charged with domestic violence, and it remains unclear if Maury producers will bail them out and get them on the show. Honestly, the lead-up to their appearance has been so amazingly ridiculous, they have to be on the show now.
Millionaire Heir Who Raped 3-Year-Old Daughter Avoided Jail Because Judge Didn't Think He'd Be Safe
Date: 3/31/14
Location: Greenville, Del.
Crime: Fourth-Degree Rape
Ratchet Meter: 9
A millionaire heir to the du Pont fortune was sentenced to probation for raping his 3-year-old daughter because a judge didn't think he'd be safe in prison. Robert H. Richards IV, 47, was sentenced to eight years in prison by Delaware Superior Court Judge Jan Jurden in 2009 after pleading guilty to fourth-degree rape. However, the sentence was suspended and Richards was ordered to attend a Massachusetts treatment program for sex offenders and banned from contact with children 16 years of age and below. Judge Jurden decided that Richards, who is reportedly 6'4" and weighs nearly 280 pounds, "[would] not fare well in a Level 5 [prison] setting." Furthermore, Raw Story said that Richards does not have any disabilities or physical illnesses. Richards is the great-grandson of Irenee du Pont, whose family built the illustrious chemical empire. Gawker adds that his father is a retired Richards Layton & Finger partner. In 2008, Richards pleaded guilty to raping his daughter--who's now 11--in 2005. That carries a maximum sentence of 15 years, and Richards' ex-wife also claims that he raped their son in 2005 while he was on probation.
Teen Murders Best Friend After She Uploads Naked Selfies to Facebook
Date: 4/1/14
Location: Mexico
Crime: Murder
Ratchet Meter: 7
A teen girl was murdered in Mexico after she uploaded naked pictures of her and her best friend to Facebook. The girl, Anel Baez, 16, was stabbed 65 times by her best friend, Erandy Elizabeth Gutierrez, 16, when Baez invited her to her home to try to work things out after the pictures were uploaded. Gutierrez carried out her revenge when she told Baez that she was going to the bathroom, instead grabbing a knife. Police arrested Gutierrez three days later while Baez's funeral was taking place. She faces seven years in prison if she is prosecuted as a juvenile. Before she deleted her Twitter account, Gutierrez reportedly wrote,"It may seem that I am very calm, but in my head I have killed you at least three times."
Moronic South Carolina Woman Falsely Reports School Shooting as April Fool's Day Prank
Date: 4/1/14
Location: Spartanburg, S.C.
Crime: Disturbing Schools
Ratchet Meter: 8
There's nothing wrong with a good April Fool's Day stunt, but a South Carolina woman took it too far---and got arrested as a result. According to WLTX, Angela Timmons, 54, was arrested for allegedly reporting a shooting a Virginia College in Spartanburg, S.C. yesterday. Spartanburg County Sheriff Chuck Wright said that over a dozen deputies responded to the call, where a woman reportedly told a dispatcher that she received a text from her mother about shots being fired on campus. The daughter called 911 when her mother stopped responding to texts. Deputies eventually arrived to find no active shooter situation, and Wright was subsequently arrested after admitting to making the whole thing up. Timmons, who works at Viriginia College (for the time being), was charged with disturbing schools.
A Las Vegas Masseuse Stole a Client's $35,000 Rolex and Hid It in Her Vagina
Date: 4/1/14
Location: Las Vegas
Crime: Grand Larceny
Ratchet Meter: 10
A $35,000 Rolex watch went missing, and (wait for it) was later found in a masseuse's vagina. This is not an April Fool's joke. Kenneth Herold, 66, invited Christina Lafave, 25, to his hotel room for a private massage after the two met a bar in the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas (Herold paid Lafave $300). Shadiness right off the bat. Around 3 a.m. Herold called hotel security after he noticed his Rolex Presidential was missing. As the story goes, Lafave reportedly asked Herold to remove his watch so she could massage his arm. Herold noticed his timepiece missing minutes after putting it on the floor within sight. Police were unable to find the watch when they searched Herold's room. Eventually, Lafave, who initially denied accusations of theft, admitted she did in fact steal the watch and had hidden it in her hoo-ha. To recover the watch, police brought Lafave to University Medical Center. Lafave was arrested, faces felony charges grand larceny and possession of stolen property, and was later released on $40,000 bail. The plot thickens: Lafave's lawyer Chris Rasmussen wants to fight the case, citing "medical intrusion." Rasmussen is also arguing that the watch was simply compensation for the massage and that Herold gave his client the watch but tried to take it back "when he wasn't satisfied with her services." What happens in Vegas stays in...a vagina?
Florida Woman Defecates in Courthouse Elevator
Date: 3/7/14
Location: Fort Pierce, Fla.
Crime: Health Safety Nuisance Injurious to Health
Ratchet Meter: 9
A Florida woman decided to complicate her life by taking a dump in a courthouse elevator. Some things you just don't do. According to TCPalm, 49-year-old Patricia Ann Jamison was arrested on March 11 for allegedly pooping in an elevator at St. Lucie County Courthouse in Fort Pierce, Fla. On March 7, security staff saw what looked like feces inside of an elevator. While reviewing surveillance footage, they found more incriminating evidence than they cared to see: The investigator spotted a woman in black-and-white, zebra-stripe pants and a black shirt get on the elevator on the first floor, exiting on the second. She walked away before getting on the left elevator. The deputy reported that before the doors closed the woman "appears to pull her pants down and back up toward the interior elevator buttons consistent with someone using the bathroom," records state. Authorities got Jamison's name after watching her enter the public defender's office. She was charged with health safety nuisance injurious to health, but she's already guilty of being disgusting.
Florida Man Found Passed Out in Car Clutching Burrito
Date: 4/1/14
Location: Daytona, Fla.
Crime: Driving Under the Influence
Ratchet Meter: 6
Police in Florida found a man asleep behind the wheel of his car, firmly clutching a burrito. It happens. According to the Huffington Post, 36-year-old Daniel Hernandez was discovered asleep at a traffic light in Daytona, Fla. holding a half-eaten burrito. A witness phoned police around 12:30 a.m. Monday, and it reportedly took over 10 minutes of police banging on his window in an attempt to wake before they were forced to break the window. That didn't work, either. When he finally awoke, he consented to two breath tests, blowing a .173 and .177, respectively. He was arrested and charged with driving under the influence.
A Complicated Tale of Yoga, Public Masturbation, National Parks and Dead Animal Throwing
Date: 4/1/14
Location: Northern Virginia
Crime: Disorderly Conduct
Ratchet Meter: 9
Yoga can be relaxing, but you should never be so relaxed that you're comfortable masturbating in public while doing. Or throwing dead animals at cars. The Smoking Gun reports that 68-year-old Bill Kachle of D.C. was arrested on March 27 after he was seen masturbating during a yoga session on the Mount Vernon Trail in Virginia. United States Park Police Jared Tyng responded to a report of a disturbance along the trail: Two women allegedly saw Kachle "waving his arms and shouting odd statements" in the midst of doing yoga. He then inexplicably began masturbating in front of them. This wasn't the extent of his odd behavior, either: he also picked up a dead animal and hurled it at a passing car on the George Washington Memorial Parkway, only to return to trail and resume masturbating while pointing at both women. Kachle was charged with obscene acts and disorderly conduct.
Don't Brag About Passing a Breathalyzer Test on Facebook
Date: 3/31/14
Location: Westland, Mich.
Crime: Violating Probation
Ratchet Meter: 8
Hubris is always punished, often in poetic fashion. A Michigan woman assumed she was in the clear when she passed a breathalyzer test following a night of drinking (and driving). She made the mistake of bragging about in on Facebook, resulting in her arrest. The trouble began the morning after St. Patrick's Day, after Colleen Cudney of Westland, Mich. had been administered a breathalyzer. She passed it, but took to Facebook to boast of her accomplishment: "Buzz killer for me, I had to breathalyze (sic) this morning and I drank yesterday but I passed thank god lol my dumba@@." And what a dumbass she is. You see, the 22-year-old was on probation for a 2012 DUI conviction. A provision of her probation was that she was not supposed to drink alcohol, and definitely not drink and drive. Police in Westland contacted the probation office, who called Cudney to set up a urine test. She answered the phone, then hung up on them. Always a good move. Cudney was arrested for violating her probation and faces a maximum of 93 days in jail. Her probation would have ended in a few weeks.
Catholic Priest Caught with Drugs, Guns While Driving Drunk in Alaska
Date: 3/21/14
Location: Fairbanks, AK.
Crime: Driving Under the Influence
Ratchet Meter: 8
Authorities in Alaska say a Catholic priest was arrested after guns and drugs were found in his vehicle. It also didn't help that he was driving drunk. The New York Daily News reports that a state trooper spotted Father Sean Thomson speeding on a highway in Fairbanks last Monday. Thomson, 52, told the State Trooper Christopher Blitz that he was drunk, then proved it by handing him a receipt rather than his vehicle registration. Thomson's blood-alcohol content was reportedly three times the legal limit. Furthermore, Thomson told Blitz that there was a .357 in the truck, but declined to tell him about the 9 mm in his pocket. Blitz found it during a search, as well as a bag of marijuana that was in Thomson's sweatshirt. Thomson was charged with drunk driving, carrying a firearm while intoxicated, not telling a state trooper he was carrying a firearm, drug possession and refusing to taken an alcohol test. The law is less forgiving than the Lord.
Georgia Teen Goes on Reckless Spending Spree After Bank Gives Him $31,000 By Mistake
Date: 3/27/14
Location: Athens, Ga.
Crime: Theft
Ratchet meter: 6
A Georgia teen blew through $25,000 after over $30,000 was accidentally deposited into his bank account, authorities say. (Insert story about why teenagers can't be trusted to manage large sums of money.) Earlier this month, a man tried to deposit $31,000 into his account at an Athens, Ga. First Citizens Bank. However, there was another customer with the same name, and the teller placed the money in the wrong account. When the 18-year-old on the receiving end of the transaction checked his account balance, he decided to do the responsible thing. In just ten days, he withdrew $20,000 in cash and racked up another $5,000 on his debit card. His financial joyride came to an end on March 18 when he tried to make another withdrawal and the teller informed him of the error. Worse, the teller told him he'd have to return the money. The teen elected to act like a teen, claiming the money was part of his inheritance that his grandmother had given to him. When a Madison County sheriff's deputy paid the kid a visit at his home to explain the trouble he was facing if they money wasn't returned, it seemed like he had made a breakthrough. The teen said he would visit the bank to right the wrong, but, like the irresponsible teen he obviously is, he never showed up. This is why kids can't have nice things like $31,000 all at once. What the hell did he buy?
Utah Woman Named "Crispi" Arrested for Trying to Burn Ex-Boyfriend's House Down with Bacon
Date: 3/28/14
Location: Unitah County, Utah
Crime: Arson
Ratchet Meter: 7
Authorities in Utah say a woman by the name of "Crispi" attempted to burn her old flame's house down with an ample amount of bacon. According to KSL.com, Cameo Adawn Crispi, 31, of Uintah County, Utah kept texting and calling her ex-boyfriend to no avail. The man called police, who were greeted by smoke and the distinct smell of bacon when they arrived at his home. An officer said he found an "obviously impaired" Crispi, as well as "a wood stove left open with a fire burning inside and hot coals on the floor around [it]."He also discovered a pound of badly burned bacon. After extinguishing the fire, police arrested Crispi and charged her with arson, burglary, intoxication, assault by a prisoner, interfering with an arresting officer and electronic communication harassment. Her day in court is going to be fun.
