Breaker Breaker 1-9: This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America

The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class and the American dream.

This week's roundup includes double-domestic violence, razor blades on playgrounds, naked joyrides, and lots of narcotics. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.

Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].

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Date: 3/26/14
Location: Trenton, N.J.
Crime: Under the Influence of a Drug
Ratchet meter: 9

A man who was discovered riding a tricycle naked through a New Jersey apartment complex was on cocaine, authorities say. NBC New York reports that Jermaine Jones, 31, of Trenton, N.J. was was discovered beneath a stairwell inside of the Crossroads Apartments gnawing on tobacco and glass, an obvious sign that he was under the influence of cocaine. After he was treated at a local hospital for cuts to his mouth, he was charged for being under the influence of a drug and issued a summons for public nudity. Leave the coke alone.

Date: 3/25/14
Location: Utah
Crime: Methamphetamine Possession, Driving Under the Influence
Ratchet meter: 7

Authorities in Utah say a man wearing a Superman shirt was arrested for driving under the influence with methamphetamine in his car. It's worth noting his name is Christopher Reeves. The Smoking Gun Reports that Reeves, 33, was pulled over in Davis County for driving erratically early Tuesday morning. He failed a sobriety test and police found what was described as a "large bag of meth" during a search of his car. Reeves—whose name is oddly close to late actor Christopher Reeve who actually played Superman in four films—was charged with DUI and narcotics possession. Why the Superman shirt? Was he planning on getting arrested and having everyone point out the similarity between he and Christopher Reeve's names?

Date: 3/20/14
Location: Queens, N.Y.
Crime: Public Lewdness
Ratchet meter: 4

A man in a Subaru has reportedly been flashing women in a Jamaica, Queens. Gothamist says the NYPD has turned to the public for assistance in identifying the culprit. Police say two women in their 20s saw the suspect with his "legs and feet on the dashboard." The man allegedly followed them in his vehicle, then parked it so they had to walk past him again. That's when they saw him in the same position, only this time he was nude from the waist down. Upon seeing this, the women fled. The vehicle is described as a grey and green 2003 Subaru Legacy. Anyone with information about the suspect is asked to contact Crime Stoppers at 800-577-TIPS, text TIP577 to 274637 or visit their website.

Date: 3/26/14
Location: East Moline, Ill.
Crime: Razor Blades Glued to Playground
Ratchet meter: 10

Authorities in Illinois say a 2-year-old boy was hurt after cutting himself on razor blades that were amended to various pieces of equipment around a playground. Police in East Moline, Ill. removed the razor blades from Millennium Park after a parent called to say his son had injured himself. After arriving, they found razor blades stuck to a slide, monkey bars and on the ground.

Date: 3/24/14
Location: Spartanburg, S.C.
Crime: Criminal Domestic Violence
Ratchet meter: 8

A South Carolina couple was arrested earlier this week for allegedly attacking each other, authorities say. The New York Daily News reports that Sheelah Thompson, 22, and Tyler Ford, 23, of Spartanburg, S.C. were arguing about their relationship when Ford allegedly struck Thompson with a rolled up anger management book. Deputies arrived to find that Ford had a deep cut on his arm, and Thompson admitted to slicing him with a boxcutter because he attempted to choke her. Ford allegedly told police that Thompson cut him because he hit her with the book. The couple currently faces domestic violence charges.

Date: 3/24/14
Location: Indiana
Crime: Obstructing Traffic, Public Intoxication
Ratchet meter: 5

Authorities in Indiana say they found a man unconscious in his car wearing just a sock, his underwear and his pants—as a shirt. The Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department found 24-year-old Bryan Hill slumped over in a vehicle and blocking an intersection. In the police report, an officer with a sense humor noted that Hill "did have pants on, but they were on his arms." Hill was arrested and charged with obstructing traffic and public intoxication.

Date: 3/25/14
Location: Golden Gate Estates, Fl.
Crime: Burglary
Ratchet meter: 6

A man was trapped in the bathroom of a Florida home after a family caught him trying to steal several items from their home, including a little girl's underwear. ABC 7 reports that the Gonzalez family was sleeping in their Golden Gate Estates, Fla. home on Saturday night when they were awakened by a large boom. After arming themselves with baseball bats, the family went downstairs and went to investigate. They discovered that their screen door and been broken and found belongings such as towels, detergent and a laundry basket outside next to a bicycle. They called Golden Gate Estates police, but by the time authorities arrived, no one was able to locate a suspect—until they searched the bathroom. Janet Gonzalez told ABC 7 that after she cracked the door open, she saw Manuel Rodriguez. The rest of the family alerted police, who arrested the 21-year-old for burglary and petty theft. They most disturbing discovery? A little girl's underwear in his pocket. "To me only a sick, perverted person would do that" Janet Gonzalez said. Indeed.

Date: 3/20/14
Location: Niagara Falls, N.Y.
Crime: Smuggling Meth Across Border
Ratchet meter: 2

Karone Johnson was arrested for attempting to smuggle 5 pounds of meth over the Canadian border. Johnson hid the drugs in speakers, but Customs officials noticed the speakers had been altered. Johnson was later arrested and given to Homeland Security.

Date: 3/21/14
Location: Daytona Beach, Fl.
Crime: Arson, Criminal Mischief, Battery
Ratchet meter: 9

A Florida man was arrested for starting a fire and assaulting other patrons at a bar. The New York Daily News reports that 33-year-old Jason Buchanan was drinking alone at a sports bar in Daytona Beach. After having 10 shots of Jägermeister worth $80, Buchanan reportedly went into the bathroom and started a fire. An elderly man tried to stop him as he attempted to exit the bar, so Buchanan punched the dude—and another man who came to his defense—in the face. Police, who believe Buchanan started the fire because he didn't want to pay his tab, arrested him and charged him with aggravated battery, arson, criminal mischief, assaulting a law enforcement officer, battery on an elderly person more than 65 years old and defrauding an innkeeper of $300. The damage to the bathroom wasn't severe, and the victims were treated for minor injuries. Don't do 10 shots before 1 p.m. and, most important, don't do a single shot that you can't pay for.

Date: 3/22/14
Location: Brooklyn, N.Y.
Crime: Assaulting a Bus Driver
Ratchet meter: 9

Authorities say a pregnant teenager attacked an MTA driver in Brooklyn during an argument over bus fare. The New York Post reports that 19-year-old Natasha Lawson was $.75 short when she boarded the bus around 7:30 a.m. She asked driver Jenny Castillo to take her halfway, but Castillo, 36, refused and told Lawson to exit the bus. After walking to the back of the bus and allegedly bothering elderly passengers, police claim she attacked Castillo, punching her, scratching her and pulling her hair. Passengers had to restrain Lawson—who is three months pregnant—until police arrived. Both Castillo and Lawson were taken to Beth Israel Hospital for evaluation.