Earlier this month, professional surfer Sarah Brady posted what she claims are text conversations between herself and her ex-boyfriend, actor Jonah Hill (Superbad, Knocked Up, The Wolf of Wall Street), whom she dated from 2021–2022. In the posts, Brady refers to Hill as both a "misogynist" and a "narcissist," and the alleged text conversations depict Hill engaging in behavior that many observers claim is controlling and emotionally abusive, but others claim is in the realm of what is acceptable and reasonable.
The texts deal with what Jonah identifies as his "boundaries." He states that he does not want Brady to surf with men, continue friendships and relationships with specific men and women, model, or post photos of herself in a bathing suit or in poses he deems sexual. He says that if she persists in these things, he does not want to be in a relationship with her, and that these are his "boundaries for romantic partnership." Other text messages appear to show Hill enforcing these demands; Brady, a professional surfer, deletes several bikini and swimsuit photos from her social media that Hill deems inappropriate.
Many romantic partners experience jealousy and insecurity; these are common, natural feelings that must be negotiated and reconciled within a healthy relationship. But where is the line at which these emotions can manifest into controlling or abusive behavior? How can one voice their insecurities and jealousies while also respecting their partner and strengthening their relationship? And how can one guard against abusive controlling behavior — both from committing it and from receiving it?
To answer these questions, Complex sought out the insight of a professional with over 30 years of experience. Dr. Janet A. Geller, LCSW, is a psychotherapist specializing in domestic partner abuse, trauma, individual psychotherapy, and couples counseling. She has authored numerous publications on domestic abuse, including her book Breaking Destructive Patterns: Multiple Strategies for Treating Partner Abuse. She taught at Columbia University as an assistant professor, and she currently maintains a private psychotherapy practice in New York City.
We asked Dr. Geller for her opinion about Hill's controversial text messages. And she made it clear that because she does not know Jonah Hill or Sarah Brady, nor the context beyond what is publicly available, she cannot speak accurately to the text messages or to their larger relationship. But Dr. Geller was able to expound on the common dynamics of abusive, controlling relationships, and she offered some advice on how we can avoid these toxic dynamics in our day-to-day lives.
Is It Resonable To Ask Your Partner To Take Down Photos?
Our first question for Dr. Geller dealt with the reasonableness of Hill's demands. For the sake of argument, could a person tell their partner to take down photos of themselves, or end relationships with specific people, but do it in a healthy, respectful manner?
"I don’t know Mr. Hill, but when a person asks his girlfriend to take down photos of her as well as other requirements, it doesn’t appear to be a request but, rather, a demand and an ultimatum," says Dr. Geller. "It can easily be interpreted as an 'or else.' When someone is not talking about how it makes him feel, why he’s asking or engaging in a dialogue, no matter how it is said, it could be experienced as an ultimatum. There is no room for the other person to respond, and, therefore, it is one-sided: his way or not at all."
This is a recurring point in our discussion — the importance of establishing a back-and-forth dialogue in a relationship, so that one can voice concerns, discuss emotions, and make requests without having them construed as threats or demands. It may turn out, at the end of it all, that two people are simply not compatible. But that's something that should be realized through mutual discovery and negotiation, rather than one person trying to conform to the other's unilateral preferences.
Dr. Geller gives an example of how a mutually beneficial dialogue could progress: "A partner could say, 'I see you out there, you know, sending images of yourself in a bikini or a thong. It sort of makes me feel jealous or insecure. Can we figure out something that you'd be comfortable wearing that doesn't make me feel so bad?' That is a conversation; then it's a dialogue. And she could say, 'Oh, that's the way it is.' Or she could say, 'Sure, I'll work something out with you,' but it shouldn't be all one-sided. It shouldn't be one person saying, ‘You are not allowed to do this. You are not allowed to dress like that. You are not allowed to sell images. You are not allowed to hang out with these people.’ That starts looking like controlling behavior. And if there is controlling behavior, it's not uncommon that it starts escalating."
How Relationships Evolve After The "Honeymoon" Phase
The ironic thing about the Jonah Hill situation is that Hill initially loved Brady's bikini photos; it is only later that he became vigilant and sensitive about them. But according to Dr. Geller, this sort of behavior is common, especially at the beginning of a relationship.
"During the courting stage — what some call ‘the falling in love stage,’ or the ‘honeymoon’ — each finds the other almost perfect," says Dr. Geller. "This provides a solid foundation for weathering life’s ups and downs. After this wears off — as it must because such intensity is impossible to maintain — then partners look at one another more critically. Couples begin to see one another more realistically with all one’s flaws and warts. In a healthy relationship, this gets integrated into the whole; that is, there is a balance between liabilities and assets. Everyone can become irritated, annoyed, or angry at the other, but if the foundation is solid, this passes and well-being is restored. If a person does not move past their unrealistic expectations, it can relate to a person’s own unresolved issues, baggage that is being triggered, or not enough that is positive in the relationship."
What matters most is how a partner addresses these shifting needs, especially if the other person doesn't know which expectations have changed or why.
"In my experience with partner abuse," continues Dr. Geller, "there is a common pattern that begins with unreasonable or demanding requests, demeaning or mocking of the other person, controlling behavior such as telling the person how to dress, who their friends should be, what the other person is allowed/not allowed to do, always wanting to accompany the person, and more. This can lead to fear, 'walking on eggshells,' and never being able to satisfy the abusive partner."
Is Texting Better Than Face-To-Face Conversation?
Is text messaging — the method by which Hill and Brady communicated a highly sensitive topic — better or worse than conducting this type of conversation face-to-face? Dr. Geller sees validity in both methods. It's ultimately a matter of preference for the participants.
"Text messaging is fast," says Dr. Geller. "Someone might say something unkind; you could immediately fire back a response. And that may not always be the best way. You may need some time to think about what the person has just said, and you may want to answer it differently after you've given a little bit of thought. So on the one hand, text messages can have a negative effect or be unhelpful."
"On the other hand, there are times, particularly with high-conflict couples, that writing rather than speaking to the other person gives them time to think about how they want to respond," continues Dr. Geller. "Sometimes, it's better to say something on a text message, because there's a break between the time the person receives the message and the time the person responds. They can hit back immediately, but they can also pause and reflect. It's rather hard when it's face-to-face, to not respond to someone immediately."
The Weaponization of Therapy Language
Another topic that's arisen from this controversy has been the weaponization of therapy language. Buzzwords around behaviors and wellness can be used as a rhetorical cudgel, to dismiss and simplify rather than invite a conversation. What does it mean to "gaslight" someone? What does it mean to call someone a "narcissist"? We asked Dr. Geller about the definition of the word "boundaries" from a therapist's perspective, and she gave us some needed clarity.
"The more accurate use of ’boundaries’ is setting my space and your space," says Dr. Geller. "If I am talking to someone and I say, 'I had a hard day,' and they ask me, 'Oh, you know, what was it about?' And I say, ’Well, I'd rather not discuss it.’ If they insist on wanting to know, they're crossing my boundary. I've already said, 'I don't want to talk about it.'"
"So if someone were to speak like Jonah is doing here in this text conversation?" continues Dr. Geller. "He's not talking about boundaries. He's talking about what he wants. And he would have a right to whatever he wants in a woman, but he's not using the term accurately."
The Purpose of Therapy
There is a silver lining to the misuse of therapy language. It has penetrated mainstream vernacular to a pervasive degree, which means that therapy is more socially acceptable than it's ever been. It's no longer shameful to admit that one is seeking psychological or psychiatric help. A mental sickness can be just as, if not more, debilitating than a physical one.
"There was a time when people who were in therapy never told anybody, because it was considered a stigma," says Dr. Geller. “It started becoming more publicly acceptable after 9/11, when we started to talk about post-traumatic stress disorder. On one hand, as someone who is a mental health professional, I am happy that people are recognizing there's an important place in their life for therapy. On the other hand, if it's used as a way of continuing to be the way you are — that hasn't been working for you — then it's a negative."
And that, after all, is the purpose of therapy — to reflect on one's behavior, gain awareness over it, and modify it to something healthier and more productive. Everyone has moments of weakness, where we retreat into old habits. But a good-faith effort to do better is what distinguishes a person who's using therapy properly, from someone who's not.
"If someone says, 'Well, I can't help that behavior, because my mother treated me badly, so that's why I'm treating you badly,' that's just staying the same and using something you learned in therapy as a weapon," says Dr. Geller. "You can give an explanation for your behavior. But if you say, 'Well, that's just the way it is,' then you're using therapy language as a way of maintaining the relationship as is."
Therapy is a useful means by which a person can explore their inner self. But it needs to go beyond exploration. It needs to translate into tangible action, to make something of one's self-discoveries.
Related Stories
Your Favorite Artists Are Rapping About Therapy
In the past month, Kendrick Lamar and Drake have both rapped about the benefits of therapy in their music, helping to break down stigmas about mental health.
Jonah Hill's Ex Shares Posts That Compare Keke Palmer Controversy to What She Went Through With Actor
After detailing the alleged emotional abuse she faced during her relationship with Jonah Hill, Sarah Brady shared posts that featured people comparing her situation to the recent drama surrounding Keke Palmer and her boyfriend.
Steve-O Sides With Jonah Hill Over ‘Misogynist Narcissist’ Text Accusations, Says Actor ‘Didn’t Do Sh*t Wrong’
On the latest episode of his 'Wild Ride' podcast, Steve-O spoke about the recent controversy surrounding screenshot-captured texts shared by the actor's former girlfriend.
