Image via Complex Original
At Complex, we're not averse to exposing kids to the adult world. Hell, we've encouraged grown-ups to shape adolescent minds with horror movies and celebrated unexpectedly terrifying children's books. But when a company produces a toy that is suspiciously sexual in nature, we raise an eyebrow.
Admittedly, our warped minds may be projecting filth upon harmless playthings, but what if we're not? With the holiday gift-giving season here, you don't want to be the dude who accidentally purchases X-rated playthings for the tykes. To avoid that awkwardness (and potential criminal charges) avoid everything found on our countdown of The 25 Most Pause-Worthy Children's Toys. And just to be safe, cover any nearby children's eyes before you check the thing out.
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Written by Jack Erwin (@JackEComplex) and Justin Monroe (@40yardsplash)
25. Real Construction "Kid Wood" Starter Set
Jesus was a carpenter. Carpentry is good. But any product that encourages you to feel its "kid wood" is clearly manufactured by the devil. And any child using this should make their first building project the construction of a therapist's couch.
24. Pole Dancer
If the store is all sold out of Prostitute Barbie, there's always this Chris Rock nightmare, which even the box describes as "interesting."
23. The Original Rody Horse
You can ride it, the size is adjustable to allow for expansion, and it's offered in a variety of colors. The only difference between Rody Horse and any number of sex toys is that Rody contains no harmful phthalates (chemicals used in sex toys for pliability and softness), so Johnny can get off and not get cancer! Still disturbing? Giddy-yup.
22. Wonder Woman Children's Safety Scissors
The ability to force even the strongest woman's legs open at will make these the preferred scissors of date rapists everywhere!
21. Pee & Poo
While you're at it, get your kid the matching mug and flash drive with 2 Girls 1 Cup on it.
20. Balzac
Get a load (pause) of this commercial jingle: "You can smack it, you can whack it, Balzac!" It sounds more like ball sack! The first image in the commercial is a figure that hatches into what you think will be a penis but turns out it's just a testicle in a trench coat.
The commercial continues with kids running, jumping, and screaming to catch this bouncing ball, and when they finally catch it, the slippery nut escapes and says, "Bet you can't bust Balzac!" Seriously, if Balzac comes around our kids again, we will bust it—with a crowbar.
19. Vocation Doll
What could possibly be wrong about teaching kids that it's OK to spend the night in bed with Father Juan Pablo, he of the sad, awkward, ashamed smile? He's only feeding them the body of Christ!
18. Water Wiennie
Peep that illustration of one boy covering another in what appears to be a tidal wave of ejaculate from long distance with his balloon phallus that "expands to giant size." (It's a grower, not a shower.) If Wham-O was gonna be so overt, why even bother misspelling wienie?
17. Rad Repeatin' Tarzan
The mostly naked dude in a loin cloth could get a pass if not for this absurd arm action. Last we checked, that's not how you swing from vines or call to jungle animals. Also, did you notice how long his stroke is?!? We see why Tarzan could be a "choking hazard."
16. Rafiki and Simba Toy
What goes up must come down, and the designer of this toy, which commemorates the moment Rafiki presents baby Simba to the world in The Lion King, should have realized that it also looks like Rafiki is sodomizing the cub. If that's the "circle of life," consider us hip to be square.
15. Dora Aquapet
What exactly is Dora exploring here? Besides the shaft of a dong, that is.
14. Mickey Mouse Microphone
Well here's a shocker! No seriously, that's what it's called in the adult toy store, right?
13. Winnie the Pooh
Nice girth on Pooh's "honey fountain." It's thicker than his arm—and no doubt tastier!
12. Insect
Scientists have found a new species of virus-carrying insect. Its classification: Flipitover Cockenballzicus.
11. Toypedo
As you can see from the packaging, the Toypedo is a hand-launched projectile meant to be inserted into young boys' mouths that can travel up to 40 feet underwater, just like a "nuclear submarine."
Cool, so we seem to be simultaneously encouraging fellatio (not that there's anything wrong with that between consenting adults) and a casual acceptance of nuclear war ("Johnny, go play with Red October."). Alllllllllrighty!
10. E.T. Finger Light
E.T. phone home...with his one call from jail...after being arrested for probing the youth of America with his knobby dildo of an alien finger.
9. Buzz Lightyear and Belle Funtime Tumblers
Buzz Lightyear apparently has a new catchphrase: "To infinity and beyond! Or at least to the back of your child's throat."
And with her suck-it straw, which she must have been tucking in the movie, Belle seriously makes us reconsider who's beauty and who's the beast in that story.
8. Stretch Armstrong and Stretch Serpent
If tugging on a snake that expands while flashing you the red eye is too metaphorical, you can always encourage your kids to yank on any decent seeming fellow who approaches them in his underwear.
7. Wolverine Squeaky Hammer
There is absolutely no way that Marvel placed that inflation nozzle over Wolverine's crotch accidentally. Nor will it be accidental when that crafty mutant's claws spring a leak in the thing so kids have to keep blowing and blowing to prevent the hammer from going flaccid.
6. Hop Balls
Your kids have never truly had a ball until they've b-b-bounced on a scrotum with Elephantiasis! Also available with butt plugs for grips!
5. Harry Potter Nimbus 200 Vibrating Broomstick
Boys will be boys and pretend to be witches by riding around on broomsticks, but why in the name of Quidditch they gotta vibrate? That's just perverted.
4. Batman Water Gun
A small custom Batman water pistol is not necessarily sexual, but this toy comes out of the Wayne Manor walk-in closet when you begin to use it. Simply remove Batman's butt plug, fill with water, cock, and squeeze the trigger, and shoot your pals with a quick load to the face. Keep it moving, nothing suggestive here!
3. Mr. Bucket
Children place balls into Mr. Bucket's mouth, then Mr. Bucket spits the balls out of his mouth (fair trade we guess). First child to collect all of the balls is the winner! Hide your kids, because Mr. Bucket wants their balls and he don't know the meaning of "no means no"!
2. The Punisher Shape Shifter
The Punisher Shape Shifter can transform the lower half of his body into a crotch rocket. Houston, we have a problem with kids helping a grown man bust shots!
1. The Oozinator
The infamous Oozinator is a water gun that requires major hairy-palm pumping action to get to the gooey surprise. We're not sure of the concept behind the commercial, which understandably went viral, but assuming that Hasbro Inc. wanted to produce soft-core child pornography it succeeded. (Peep the black kid in the commercial smearing ooze on his chest.) Pause that, (Has)Bro!
