10 Other Things ISIS Should Ban

The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, aka ISIS, has so far waged actual war on Arab civilians and foreign journalists, and figurative war on skinny jeans, calculus, and, Nike.

Members of ISIS who are caught wearing Nike products—shoes, shirts, anything—risk alienation from the group or punishment by fines and death. All because the origins of the Nike brand name are a little too sus for ISIS's taste and paranoia. It's all rather silly. I can think of ten things way more worth banning than mainstream American sportswear. Here's my full list of suggestions, in fact, below.

"White boy rocking a top knot" = a man bun, a disgusting trend. Recently popularized by Leonardo DiCaprio in a state so flabby and sick that Rihanna sent him home with tail between legs. Shave it off!

The man bun of food. New Yorkers front like this city is some wonderland of cuisine, but really the only things yuppies eat here are kale, bacon, ramen, and kale-flavored bacon. Get it while supplies last; or rather, don't.

If I'm elected president (of sectarian terrorist organization ISIS), look forward to no more of those pesky overdraft fees that always manage to wreck your shit on the 27th of every month.

I struggle with this. But look, it's finally gorgeous outside, too gorgeous for me to be blinding nine-year-olds with the refractory properties of my flaky-ass calves. Cocoa butter: look better, feel better, smell better all over.

"Eating on the subway isn't illegal," notes Gothamist, "just disgusting." Snacking a granola bar or a churro whilst you're hanging from a strap isn't the worst infraction of public morals, but eating panang curry or tuna casserole or some other such sweaty bullshit is intolerable, especially in New York or San Francisco, where all these ostensibly delicious fragrances are mixing with the scent of urine.

Chipotle tastes like the summarized insides of a college dorm refrigerator. Pouring corn from a can onto a bed of Pathmark lettuce does not comfort food make. You can do better than Chipotle's hypersalted chips and tofu burritos.

Not a very good show, or even a very good anime, but nonetheless: little boys love(d) this shit. DBZ featured more shouting and grunts per episode than any shōnen TV series before it, I'll grant that much. That said, don't front: the original Sailor Moon was superior.

If you want to pay more money for a superior product, use Rdio Unlimited. If you want to pay way more money for an inferior product, use TIDAL. Or, you could just stick with Spotify Free despite the fact that it's missing Reasonable Doubt and The Chronic.

I'm all for bratty activists using glitter to messy the hair and ruin the outfits of our public officials. But I'm no senator, I'm just a grown-ass man who doesn't want to walk through life looking like scenery from the nearest high school's production of some whimsical one-act. Keep your son away from me!

Jonathan Franzen is "the angriest novelist in the world," according to Mallory Ortberg, but I'd slightly amend that to read: Jonathan Franzen is the saltiest novelist in the world. A disenfranchised thinker who, oddly enough, resents the disenfranchisement of the million other people that surround him. I suppose ISIS should ban irony in general.