The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.
This week's roundup includes vagina-stashed watches, drunk golf cart drivers, and cannibalism. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.
Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to cityguidetips@complex.com.
And for your viewing pleasure, here's the latest episode of Ratchet News Network with The Kid Mero:
RNN: Ratchet News Network
Trio Busted for Stealing Watches, Hiding Them in Their Vaginas
Wedding Brawl Ensues After Groom Hits on Reception Worker
Liquor-Fueled Golf Cart Crash Leaves One Dead
Man Arrested for Opening Fire on Couple Who Interrupted Oral Sex Session
Inmate Dies After Eating Fellow Inmates Underwear, Which Was Soaked in Methadone
Duo Arrested for Cooking Meth in Basement of Illinois Church
Florida Woman Arrested for Stabbing Man Who Declined Sex
Chicago Woman Fatally Struck by Piece of Falling Gargoyle Statue
Date: 9/062014
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Crime: Falling Masonry
Ratchet Meter: 10
A woman was tragically killed in Chicago yesterday when a piece of a gargoyle statue fell and struck her in the head.
CBS Chicago reports that 34-year-old Sarah Bean was returning from lunch with her fiancé in the city's South Loop when wind caused part of the statue to fall from the Second Presbyterian Church of Chicago. The mother of two was later pronounced dead at Northwestern Memorial Hospital.
A city spokeswoman says the accident was caused by a “chain reaction”:
A spokeswoman for the city’s Building Department says a chain reaction was to blame for the falling stone. A corner of one of the metal decorative pieces on the exterior of the building gave way, striking a gargoyle statue on the southeast corner of the steeple and causing a portion of it to fall. The church is more than 100 years old.
Bean and her fiancé, Lance Johnson, planned to wed this year.
[via CBS Chicago]
Reminder: Never Steal a Co-Worker's Meatball (Or Any Food, For That Matter)
Florida High Schoolers Arrested for Breaking Into Home to Have Sex
Texas Teacher Sentenced to Three Years Probation for Classroom Lap Dance
Date: 9/07/2014
Location: Houston, Texas
Crime: Sexual misconduct with a minor
Ratchet Meter: 10
After being arrested for giving a middle schooler a lap dance in front of full classroom, a teacher in Texas has been sentenced to three years probation.
The Smoking Gun reports that 42-year-old Felicia Smith pleaded guilty on Thursday following her arrested at Houston's Stovall Middle School earlier this year. She told authorities that she was convinced to dance for the 15-year-old by other students, and, according to the Smoking Gun, her four-minute performance got intense and inappropriate:
When the boy entered her classroom, Smith “grabbed a chair and placed it next to her desk,” investigators reported. With music playing, Smith sat on the teen’s lap “with her buttocks making contact with his penis while she began to move back and forth.” Smith also “fondled him with her hands by touching him all over his body.” Cops noted that the assorted contact caused the boy to “have an erected penis.”
Smith obviously no longer works at the school, and the State Board for Educator Certification’s professional discipline unit is reviewing her actions.
[via The Smoking Gun]