10 Ratchet MLB Player Retirements That Kenny Powers Should Put to Shame

Tonight, at 10 P.M., Eastbound & Down returns for the show's final season. After faking his death in an effort to let go of his major league dreams and start a quieter life with wife April and their child in last season's finale, Kenny Powers (Danny McBride) is back! With Kenny seemingly done with the game of baseball, The People's Champion is once again jonesing for the money and fame, and he's determined to get it by any means necessary.

As a retired athlete, Powers is art imitating life for some former baseball players who struggled to stay on the straight and narrow after their playing days are done. But, believe it or not, the man with "an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a Burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist" can behave so much worse. So, to give The Shelby Sensation something to strive for in season four, here is 10 Ratchet MLB Player Retirements That Kenny Powers Should Put to Shame.

RELATED: The Kenny Powers Soundboard

After calling it quits in 1996, Lenny Dykstra faced a ton of legal problems. Some of the notable ones include the time he attempted to flip Wayne Gretzky's $17.5 million home, but eventually filed for mortgage fraud when the house went to foreclosure. A couple months later, it was discovered that Dykstra was hiding and destroying homes in an attempt to get rich quick and was hit with a bankruptcy fraud charge.

The man nicknamed Nails also paid off a housekeeper on Craigslist, only to threaten her with a knife to her throat when she didn't accept his sexual demands. Oh, and let's not forget his upwards of 25 counts of grand theft auto and possession of cocaine. We can't help but wonder if "Walk Like an Egyptian" was playing in the background when Dykstra got caught.

Much like Kenny Powers, Carl Everett said some wild things during his playing days. For example, Everett was firm believer that dinosaurs never existed. "God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve," Everett claims. "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex."

Then, after retiring from the majors, Everett found himself in trouble when he allegedly held a handgun to his wife's head. And, wait for it, some reports say that his wife was wearing a Barney costume at the time. (He has something against dinosaurs?) He was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and tampering with a witness.

In 2001, Dwight Gooden walked away from the game of baseball. What he walked into, then was charges of operating vehicles while under the influence. The Reverse Apache Master knows a thing or two about that. But, unlike Powers, Gooden didn't have an "assistant" to pin it on. So, Doc was hit with everything from a DWI, driving with a suspended license, speeding away from an officer after the cop pulled him over for driving erratically, and leaving the scene of a traffic accident.

Even with all those charges against his name, Gooden has managed to escape any lengthy jail time. Currently he's serving a five-year probation.

Orlando Cepeda and Kenny Powers have one thing in common: Keep them away from your kids! In addition to attempting to smuggle five pounds of marijuana from Columbia to Puerto Rico and getting charged with drug possession, Cepeda worked as a community liaison where he talked to at-risk teens about the shitty sides of alcohol and drug use. But, in 2007, Cepeda was arrested on a felony possession of a controlled substance, possession of a hypodermic needle or syringe, and possession of marijuana after a police officer pulled him over for going 83 in a 65 MPH zone.

Much like Powers, Cepeda pursued a quieter life. In Cepeda's case, he moved back to Puerto Rico and stayed there.

Jose Offerman, like Powers, made a couple attempts at a comeback to the majors, but his last attempt in 2007 was the most memorable. As a member of the Atlantic League's Long Island Ducks, Offerman was hit on the leg with a fastball and instead of just taking first base, he spazzed. The fuck. Out.

Offerman charged the mound with the bat in his hand and swung at the pitcher Matt Beech. Dude missed Beech, but did manage to catch catcher John Nathans. Then, Offerman swung again and finally connected, hitting Beech's glove hand.

Beech suffered a broken finger, Nathans wound up with a concussion that ended his playing days, and Offerman was charged with two counts of second-degree assault.

If you thought that experience taught Offerman a lesson, think again. (Yes, that is Offerman punching an umpire.)

Back in 1991, Belle became so upset with a fan who heckled him, saying, "Keg party at my house, Joey"—a reference to his time in alcohol rehab as well as his old nickname—that he struck the individual with a baseball which he threw into the stands. Also, when Belle was caught using a corked bat, he didn't just own up to it. He attempted to get his bat back by making teammate Jason Grimsley retrieve it. The end result was a seven-game suspension.

Off the field, Belle embodied his "Snapper" nickname, too. Once upon a time, Belle chased down and ran over one of the trick-or-treaters with his SUV after they egged his house. Sounds about right.

Calling Milton Bradley a loose cannon would be a dangerous understatement. At any given moment, Bradley was capable of flipping the switch on anyone and everyone, and usually those indiscretions resulted in ejections. Eventually teams became so fed up with Milton's games (see what we did there?) that no one even bothered to take a chance and sign him to a contract.

After bouncing from team to team, like Powers, Bradley called it quits after he was let go by the eighth franchise: the Seattle Mariners.

No matter what happens on Eastbound & Down, Kenny Powers will never outdo the fuckery attributed to Ty Cobb. Yeah, Powers had that crazy, over-the-top, pro-America introduction while playing for Mexico's Charros baseball team, but that pales in comparison to the time Cobb picked a fight with an African American groundskeeper during spring training and then choked out the guy's wife when she tried to intervene. You think that's bad? There's also the time Cobb went into the stands to throw down with a heckler.

Cobb was a straight up asshole and actually makes The People's Champion look like a saint.

As any Eastbound fan knows, Kenny Powers "fucking hates computers." So with the rising of the Phoenix, as Powers puts it, maybe there can be a newfound interest in technology, since Twitter would benefit from the random ramblings of The Man with the Golden Dick in 140-character morsels. Maybe then, Powers could eclipse what Jose Canseco has done with the micro blogging site.

From spewing horribly misspelled vitriol towards anyone and everyone. to just saying whatever the hell is one his mind, Canseco has managed to stay in the public spotlight after his retirment, while also pissing off plenty of people in the process. But hey, sometimes you gotta take the good with the bad, right?

Kenny Powers is nothing if not off-color, making him a student of John Rocker. If you aren't familiar with Rocker's, um, work, here's an excerpt from a comment he made about the possibility of playing the Big Apple:

You get the idea. Rocker has verbally fallen off the rocker more than once by vomiting racism. He once called his African American teammate Randall Simon a "fat monkey." He defended former manager Ozzie Guillen's use of homophobic language, saying, "This is a free country. If he wants to use a lewd term, he should be able to use a lewd term."

Powers is going to need to up the ante in the show's fourth season in order to trump Rocker. But we're sure it would be a challenge that Powers wouldn't mind taking on.