Image via Complex Original
It may not boast the ratings of Game of Thrones, the fan base of True Blood, the cinematic style of Boardwalk Empire, the hate-watching appeal of The Newsroom, or the nonstop media attention of Girls, but HBO’s Eastbound & Down has one thing going for it that those other shows don’t: fucking Kenny Powers.
Though the series only attracts about one-third of the audience of Game of Thrones—the cable channel’s most-watched show in the current lineup—Eastbound & Down has developed a dedicated base of viewers, who flock to the show in a cult-like fashion, just waiting to see what the fictional former big league pitcher at the center of the series (played to absolute asshole perfection by Danny McBride) will do or say next. And he’s never at a loss for words. No matter how insulting, degrading or downright ignorant they may be.
In anticipation of this Sunday’s fourth season premiere—which will also be its last—we’re collecting some of Kenny’s most riveting philosophical gems in order to better understand The World According to Kenny Powers.
For more of Kenny Powers, tune into the season four premiere of Eastbound & Down on HBO Sunday, September 29th, at 10 p.m.
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On Survival
"When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball... But sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm. But a true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights fights, and fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies. And my ass ain't no pussy. My ass is a fucking champion." —Kenny Powers
On Romance
"There is one image in my life that consistently makes me happy no matter when I think about it. And that image—that one image—is your big tits." —Kenny Powers
On Steroids
"How 'bout I show you my balls right now and you can tell me if they shrunk, huh? No, for your information, I have full-size balls. Next question." —Kenny Powers
On Teamwork
"There is no 'I' in team... but there is a 'U' in cunt. So don't be little jealous cunts, OK?" —Kenny Powers
On Greatness
"So, in closing, I'd like to give big ups to God, Buddha, L. Ron, whoever. Hell, maybe I just need to thank me. If there's one thing I've learned through all my adventures and conquests, it's that some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great. I just am great. I'm not trying to sound cocky or full of myself, but Kenny Powers has a sneaking suspicion that no matter what comes his way he will always be great. Because that's just the way shit works sometimes." —Kenny Powers
On Racism
"I transcend race, hombre." —Kenny Powers
On Losing
"If there's one thing I hate, it's losing. If there's two things I hate, it's losing and getting cancer." —Kenny Powers
On History
"So, besides getting shot in the back of the head, do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school. And no, I'm not making that up." —Kenny Powers
On Religion
"I never got into the Native American mythology. You can smoke the peace pipe 'til your dick falls off, but I'm not dancing with any wolves no matter how high I get. Not that I get high—but if I did, my shit would still believe in our lord and savior Jesus Christ." —Kenny Powers
On Monogamy
"Kenny Powers's days of burning ass are done. And that's not a homosexual reference." —Kenny Powers
On Anxiety
"I'm gonna have a fucking panic attack. I need four Xanax and two Miller Lites." —Kenny Powers
On Modesty
"I'm just an average American... with extraordinary hair." —Kenny Powers
On Relationships
"You wanna know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife, Tina. Yeah, she was a stripper. And if Montel Williams wants to talk shit some more then he can go fuck himself, 'cause those charges were dropped." —Kenny Powers
On New York City
"You mean Jew York? It's fucking great." —Kenny Powers
On 3-D
"Don't get all excited, dude. 3-D is gay. Nobody wants to sit on a couch, wearing glasses, popping bubbles out of the air like some sorta fucked up Ray Charles. Oh, you like 3-D? Well here's a burrito, coming right at ya!" —Kenny Powers
On Prostitution
"Alright, so let me get this straight: I'm gonna pay for a blowjob, and I gotta pay for a goddamned hotel room, too? Well that seems like I'm spending too much money for nothing. I got a house. You can just get your ass over here and I could just do the blowjob here." —Kenny Powers
On Parenthood
"Y'all named your daughter after fucking Titanic? Wow. You've got to be shitting me. What's his name? Fucking Shrek?" —Kenny Powers
On Enemies
"Well, it's no mystery that ass has always been tits greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass." —Kenny Powers
On Ethics
"I got two hard rules I live by, Pop: I don't fuck with the devil and I never do tag-teams with blood relatives." —Kenny Powers
On Style
"Oh, what do I know? I know that one of us had their own personal stylist and one of us shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug. That's what I know." —Kenny Powers
On Brotherhood
"You boys ever tag-team anybody? Beat up any kids in your neighborhood? When we were kids, me and your dad used to beat the shit out of these retard brothers that used to live down the street from us. Hilarious. I mean, this guy was the most ruthless one. Now, I'm sitting here, he's got a family. He's got a nice shirt on... Mongoloid Mike? Is that what you used to call him?" —Kenny Powers
On Women
"People say Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That's not true. I love women. Every fucking one of them—even the ugly as shit ones. But don't ask me to trust 'em. Not even nuns, because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can't fill." —Kenny Powers
On Contentment
"I've been blessed with many things in this life: an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a Burmese python and the mind of a fucking scientist." —Kenny Powers
On Patriotism
"Sure, I've been called a xenophobe. But the truth is, I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism." —Kenny Powers
On Winning
"Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I'm the man who has the ball; I'm the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why I'm better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone." —Kenny Powers
