10 Easy Techniques for Throwing an Awesome Holiday Party

Listen, there will be tomfoolery. We all have those friends that we love having around, but know that the mere thought of being in a holiday party setting gets them more fired up than a kid winning a little kid game show. Just make sure you invite their softer side. Every buddy has another buddy that is the yin to his or her yang. The other friend that knows exactly how to keep their energy to a boisterous yet enjoyable 7.5, or 8.5 if there’s cream cheese brownies involved. Okay, maybe that’s just me.

You simply cannot avoid offering food that you hate. While this party is for you, it also isn’t for you. There will be opportunities to showcase your personal preferences, but the grub selection isn’t one of them. For instance, I hate mushrooms and olives—they’re the worst things on the planet next to dreams about work—but most people love ’em. So I go against my better judgment and include them on every single holiday soirée menu, because a well fed party is worth feeding. Relax, I know that didn’t make sense. But neither do mushrooms and olives.

This whole ugly sweater movement has gotten way out of control. In fact, the idea of making ugly holiday sweaters the most ironic fashion victory since handlebar moustaches and unisex boots is disgusting. Let people wear whatever they want. If someone shows up donning their finest piece of wearable wool garbage, well, I think you know what to do. Let them stay, then make fun of their sweater behind their back the whole night. You know, like real pals do.

It’s widely known in many a social circle and bars I may never get into, that a 60/40 babes-to-dudes ratio is the ideal equation for creating perfect party homeostasis. You never want to have too many guys because holidays weren’t made for that much testosterone to be bottled up in one room. You also never want to have too many girls because you might end with the only guys being those aforementioned rambunctious ones, which will just make the whole party feel like a middle-school dance gone even more wrong. Do the right thing, give our better-halves top billing.

Now of course you will need to have a healthy selection of holiday tunes. It is in fact a holiday party, it would be rude not to. What I’m saying is, just have an eclectic mix on-the-ready to help transition the holiday party into to regular party mode when need be. Think about it like this: Chocolate cake is great, but having only chocolate cake to eat for five hours while you talk to Seth, your coworker that steals everyone’s leftovers and somehow attends all the holiday parties, is just plain unsettling. Okay, that might be a tad bit aggressive of an example, but chocolate cake is the best, and even the best can stink sometimes.

I know this one might be a hard rule to stand by, but I say do your best. You’re bringing a lot to the table already, so for people to show up empty-handed is just insulting. They can stop at the bodega and grab some tonic water or a box of cookies, whatever. It’s about the effort. Any friend that doesn’t feel the need to contribute anything more than their personality isn’t really a friend.

Nog, absolutely. Hot Toddys, you betcha. The one you make up yourself cause you’re feeling creative and took solid notes during that free bartending class in college? One hundred and fifty-six percent. Have fun, experiment. Grab some gin and splash the flavor of the holiday into everyone’s overtly ornate drinking device. Take the same approach to the holiday bevis as you do to the holiday tunes. Just have some of your standard options on hand for anyone that doesn’t appreciate your creativity (it’s not you, it’s definitely them), or just might want a little timeout from the nutmeg extravaganza that is your vat of “Happy Nog-lidays.” Feel free to use that one.

This is the one you over-think, so go ahead and holiday the wazoo out of your home. Make it a winter wonderland. Make it all of the winter wonderlands you’ve ever seen on TV, at malls, in mom catalogs, and described in detail during old-timey radio shows. No holds or wreaths are barred. People should be walking into Disney On Ice in an apartment for adults, not a YMCA mixer in a gymnasium for middle-aged singles.

I’m a dog guy, through and through. Now that doesn’t mean I hate cats, I just prefer unconditional love over unconditional judgment. And if you have the right dog at a party, even the biggest curmudgeon will take a break from slamming your cheese plate in the corner to crack a smile. Now if you do happen to score a party pup, please don’t dress it up in some kind of holiday dog outfit. Festive handkerchief? Sure, you can have that one. Mini antlers and dog mittens that look like hooves? People have gone to prison for less.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Dads, when away from moms, know how to crush holiday parties. It’s their time to shine. Holiday parties are a level playing field for parents to really let loose, completely devoid of judgment…to a certain extent. Because there’s always potential for things to get a little weird when a dad is allowed to run free. But weird in the best way possible. Maybe one of them gets so excited he pays for the late-night pizza. Or one of them gets so excited he forgets he’s a dad and makes out with a girl half his age. It’s a win-win across the board when cool dads are thrown into the mix.