The Most Uncomfortable Moments on "Hello Ladies" (So Far)

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Episode: "Pilot"

With the volume of the bar and surrounding conversation stifling his attempts to employ his new catchphrase to his current crush Courtney (Sarah Wright), Stuart decides to learn forward on his chair and yell it out above the din:

Stuart: "Are you dating, mating, or masturbating"

Courtney: "Dating, mating, and what?"

[Stuart leans forward.]

Stuart: "Masturbating!"

[He falls on the table and dampens his shirt, revealing a Durex condom in his front shirt pocket.]

Episode: "Pilot"

In the opening episode, Stuart (Stephen Merchant) introduces himself and his friend Wade (Nate Torrence) to two women in a bar. After they inform Stuart that they're from Seattle, he desperately tries to form a connection:

Stuart: "Seattle is actually the suicide capital of America, did you know that?"

Ladies: "No, I think you're wrong."

Stuart: "I think you're wrong."

Episode: "The Limo" (Episode 2)

Stuart and friends, having rented a limo for the night, pick up three drunken teachers from Missouri. (They're all new to Los Angeles.) One of the teachers digs Stuart, but when he swings by to pick up his tenant/friend Jessica's (Christine Woods) model friends, he gives her the cold shoulder. Trying to return to his sure thing after finding out all the models had boyfriends, the teacher from Missouri meets him with a brutal reception:

Stuart: "So how long were you in London for?"

Teacher: "Fuck off."

Episode: "The Date" (Episode 3)

The receptionist informs Jessica, who was originally audtioning for a tampon commercial, her that auditions for an untitled Martin Scorsese film are also in session:

Receptionist: "Are you here for the Martin Scorsese movie or the tampon commercial?"

Jessica: "I'm here for the tampon commercial."

Receptionist: "Okay, just go ahead and sign in."

Jessica: "There's a Scorsese project today?"

Receptionist: "I'd be willing to wait for that, too, as I'm here. I'm sure the scripts are similar. Plenty of blood in both."

Episode: "The Date" (Episode 3)

Stuart, suspicious, of who his date, Annie (Lindsay Broad), was texting throughout the night, spies on her from the window of her friend's house. His phone rings and he's forced to explain himself:

Stuart: "Ah, I knew it! So who's Alex? Who's Alex?"

Date: "My brother."

Stuart: "Your brother? Really? You're texting your brother all the way through a fucking date. That's not weird."

Date: "My brother was just diagnosed with leukemia."

[Long pause.]

Stuart: "I wouldn't worry about it."

Episode: "The Dinner" (Episode 4)

Andy (David Hornsby), who owns his own modeling agency and who is gay, hosts an exclusive Hollywood dinner Stuart and Jessica had to beg to attend. Desperately seeking approval, Stuart lets off this misguided plea for sympathy:

Stuart: "I think it's great you're living your dream. Can I say that? There are so many people like you guys, who never get the chance. There was a young chap when I was at school and he was bullied mercilessly. We used to break his bike and push him over and take his little hat and throw it about and stuff. And when he was 15 years old, he took an overdose of pills. Killed himself. And I'm pretty certain it was because we all thought he was gay."

Episode: "The Dinner" (Episode 4)

Stuart, who has memorized homosexual-themed jokes to better get in the graces of Andy (whom he wants to hook him up with the model of his dreams), unexpectedly gets into a gay joke-off with Justin (Christopher Moynihan) Andy's charismatic, flamboyant gay friend, and Stuart refuses to lose this battle:

Stuart: "When does a gay man become a faggot? When he leaves the room."

[Note: He's quoting Truman Capote. Not that that makes this any better.]

Episode: "Long Beach" (Episode 6)

When a bouncer orders Stuart and his friend Pube (Sonny Mario Ayon) out of a bathroom stall, where Pube did a rail of cocaine, Stuart blurts out what he thinks would be a reasonable justification:

Bouncer: "What were you guys doing in there?"

Stuart: "I was sucking his cock."

Episode: "Long Beach" (Episode 6)

Trying to rescue his sinking marriage, Wade surprises his wife Marion (Crista Flanagan) with flowers—much to her annoyance. Over hunched shoulders, he offers this limp conversation starter:

Wade: "Did you know Styrofoam is a brand name?"

Marion: "I didn't, no."

Wade: "Yeah, it's like Kleenex."

Marion: "Oh, yeah."

Episode: "The Wedding" (Episode 7)

Stuart gets banished to the worst possible seating arrangement at his friend's wedding, where he encounters a screeching kid who throws a bread roll into his bowl, splashing soup on his suit and shirt. Stuart complains to his mother:

Mother: "What is he like?"

Stuart: "He's like a cunt."