The 10 People You Don't Want to See at the Bar

The bar has the same cast of characters as the subway or gym, only 100 times worse because they're loaded on domestic beer and recreational drugs. Consequently, going out on a Saturday night is a drunken crap shoot in which you're just as likely to score a phone number as you are to catch a haymaker to the eyeball. To ensure that you have a working knowledge of watering-hole fuckery, here is a list of the neighborhood tap's the most bothersome personalities—from The Creeper to The Crying Girl.

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Distinguishing features: Misspelled tattoo; muscle T-shirt; shattered bottle of domestic beer in hand

The Tough Guy walks the crowded confines of a bar looking for elbows to bump and, consequently, an excuse to throw drunken haymakers. His justification for delivering clumsy right crosses will range from "don't talk shit!" to "Go Celtics!" So, don't even try reasoning with this testosterone-addled lunatic. If he's bigger than you, stun him with a Fireball shot to the face and sweep his leg like a beer-buzzed Mortal Kombat fighter. Just joking. Run like hell. This dude's duffed out a million little weirdos like you, so book it to the nearest emergency exit, posthaste.

Distinguishing features: Eyeliner; bedazzled guitar; embarrassed parents

There are things that are worse than walking into a bar and seeing a bunch dudes hopped up on Red Bull and covering Journey. For example, the proliferation of nuclear weapons, child hunger, and—um—that's pretty much it.

Distinguishing features: Suck-for-a-buck bouquet; disheveled boas; vomit-soaked high heels

The bachelorette party looks good on paper: a dozen women who are hammered on flavored vodka and generally running afoul of the establishment's "no dancing on the bar" policy. But what goes up must come down, and nothing crashes harder than 20-somethings with Smirnoff Creamsicle coursing through their veins. By midnight, this group will be one befuddled mix of clacking Louboutin heels and catty side-eye. Godspeed if you're on the dance floor when Beyonce's "Drunk in Love" comes on because it will look like a Nordstrom Rack-sponsored version of Spain's Running of the Bulls, with nothing but carnage and penis straws in its wake.

Distinguishing features: Furrowed eyebrow; ill-fitting button-up; flagrant erection

There are dudes who will go to a bar, get drunk, and spend the remainder of the evening indiscriminately humping unguarded butts on the dance floor. Tape worms in keg lines notwithstanding, The Step-Back-You're-Dancing-Kind-of-Close Guy is the bar's biggest nuisance.

Distinguishing features: Running eyeliner; bloody elbow; shattered iPhone screen

Tread lightly around The Crying Girl because she's "having *sniff* a really *sniff* hard night, OKAY?!" As wildly unpredictable as this chick is, her night always ends the same way: Fly off of the rails, swing on a doorman, and sob inconsolably in a bathroom stall. In sum, this woman is an episode of The Bachelor personified.

Distinguishing features: Earpiece; pronounced trap muscles; flashlight (for beating people)

If you get in a heated exchange with The Bouncer On a Mission, it's either because you're 17-years-old and trying to get in to the joint with your older brother's ID, or you're being forcibly removed from the bar with a suffocating headlock. Either way, the night is taking a devastating turn for the worse. Cracking skulls is a job perk for these guys. So, don't act out while being manhandled, unless you're trying to play the antagonist in a WorldStar video.

Distinguishing features: Gnarly breath; True Religion jeans; visible exhaust fumes from wearing a half bottle of Acqua di Gio

Your group of girlfriends knows this dude as, "the guy who won't leave." The Creeper is known for indiscriminately buying shots, overstaying his welcome, and sending Facebook friend requests on-site. Don't bother shooing this guy away with a fake number either, because he's fact checking your ass with an instant call. Nothing will stop The Creeper's ceaseless effort to get a phone number.

Distinguishing features: Exaggerated eye roll; drink-soaked dress shirt; palpable disdain

When The Quarrelling Couple fights in the bar, there's always potential for innocent bystanders to catch some shrapnel. Like, you'll just be minding your business and hear, "Then why do you still have her number, Dan!?" followed by an errant glass of Prosecco to the back of your head. Reality shows on the Bravo network have basically emboldened people to haphazardly dump wine on strangers when angry, which is bad news for your new Bonobos pants.

Distinguishing features: Missing shoe; whiskey-stained shirt; black eye

There's a thin line between turning up and acting like a lobotomized version of David Hasselhoff. That line is typically crossed while pissing one's self in the back of a police car. It's impossible to make friends when your brain shuts down to its most vital functions because all you can really do is vomit and thrash about the dance floor to Pitbull. Ke$ha is the only one who can get away with that kind of behavior, bruh.

Distinguishing features: Wint-O-Green Life Savers; tip jar; a look of obvious disgust at how many guys do not wash their hands

The bar is a place of excess. It's where we're willing to spend $350 on a bottle of Grey Goose to celebrate a softball championship. But, at the same time, we'll risk a fungal disease by not washing our hands in order to save a dollar. The bathroom attendant is just a hardworking guy trying to make a living, but admit it, you're wildly annoyed by his presence.