None
They say that misery loves company. And when it comes to getting from your tiny, depressing apartment to your dead-end job, you're joined in the rat race by droves of miserable commuters, crying babies, and recently paroled criminals on bath salts. Taking mass transit is an uphill battle and one wrong move can put you on the latest Worldstarhiphop fight compilation.
Thankfully, Complex is here to help alleviate your commuting woes with a step-by-step guide for survival: How to Not Get Punched in the Face While Taking Public Transportation.
Written by Sean Evans (@seanseaevans)
RELATED: The 10 Worst Subway Stations in New York City
RELATED: How to Be a Better Samaritan
LIKE COMPLEX CITY GUIDE ON FACEBOOK
Move Your Bag
You're on a public bus. Remember that the next time you think it's appropriate to insinuate a class divide by reserving a seat for your fake Louis Vuitton bag. It's hard to convince the world that you deserve special accommodations when you can't afford cab fare.
Taking mass transit is mortifying enough. Don't degrade us further by requiring your permission to plop down on a piss-soaked seat. Just put your Prada knockoff on your lap. Please and thank you.
FOH with Your Keyboard Volume
Someone explain to us why the iPhone, as a sophisticated piece of modern technology, takes cues from the single most irritating trait of a typewriter? It makes no sense. Your fingers sound like Khloe Kardashian tap dancing. Also, Apple, if you're going to swagger jack the typewriter so blatantly, why not go all the way? We expect the 5S to weigh 65 pounds and hit us with an alarming BING! every time we hit the end of a line.
Take Your Sharpie and Fall on It
I hope we don't sound uptight. Nothing says "urban charm" quite like the widespread defacing of public property, but the lazy "artwork" we see on the subway is enough to make us want to pay $5 a gallon for gas. If you think scrawling your Twitter handle on a bus window with a Sharpie is a worthwhile way to gain followers, your social media strategy is headed in a pretty pathetic direction.
Use Headphones
The 8 mega-pixel camera on your iPhone 5 is impressive and Siri definitely has her moments, but dammit if that thing doesn't have the worse internal speaker this side of Koss.
We don't care that your headphones are so loud that we can pick up every lyric on Nicki Minaj's "Starships." We're worried about your ears. However, if you lack the restraint to not carelessly blast Ca$h Out from your phone's internal speaker, sans headphones, you deserve a Ron Artest elbow to your eye ball. Just buy a pair of ear buds. At CVS, they're $5 dollars. No more excuses.
Don't Rob People
You're a lawless individual and you're locked in a mobile room full of iPhones and wallets with a noticeably absent police element. A criminal mastermind like you should not lower themselves to the low hanging fruit that is robbing commuters in the rat race. Taking public transportation to our thankless jobs is humiliating enough, don't pile it on by robbing our debit cards, too.
Hold the Phone
If you're in public and standing still, don't take a phone call. It's that simple. All you're doing is holding those around you hostage to a one-sided conversation. We don't care about your fantasy football team, or your fungal foot infection. So, whether you're on the subway, or standing in line at a Subway, think before speaking.
Also, traveling under the Hudson River in a tunnel lends itself to some serious reception problems. While you yammer away about the fight you had with your boyfriend, whoever is on the receiving end of your diatribe will find the constant cutting in and out insufferable. There are no winners.
Don't Eat, It's Gross
Eating aboard public transportation is akin to wolfing down a burrito in a bathroom stall. Technically you're not breaking any laws, but you're still disgusting. You have to be seriously uninhibited to just chow down on an egg salad sandwich in a crowded Red Line car. The smell is vile, people around you are judging, and that seat you just set your fork down on was ground zero for a prostitutes bare ass, like, three hours prior.
Look, we get that you're hungry. But that fish head curry can wait three stops until you get to your apartment. Have some respect for the people around you and, to that point, for yourself, by eating at a table.
Cover Your Mouth, Sicko
Rallying to work with a stage three case of swine flu might make you "a warrior" in the eyes of your boss, but you're a jackass to those of us forced to breath the air your circulating. Because of felt seats, an abundance of hobos, and dependency on city employees for cleaning, buses and subway cars are already breeding grounds for hepatitis. Don't make things worse by smuggling your flesh eating virus aboard.
Don't Be That Bike Guy
The idea of biking is altruistic, but bikers are the worst. These Lance Armstrong aspirants, with their pant legs rolled up, actually take pride in owning a "brakeless" fixed-gear. As New York drivers, we're accosted by text messages, jaywalkers, and red-light enforcement cameras. Asking us to keep an eye on the bike lane while making a right-hand turn or opening up passenger side doors is simply asking too much. Sorry we're not sorry.
Then, as if it weren't bad enough on the roads, you drag that cycle down to the subway and force your way into a crowded car with an additional nine cubic feet worth of aluminum. Great. Now, we're smashed between a naked homeless man on bath salts and your handlebars. Don't cheat us (or your cardiovascular endurance) by multi-purposing your transportation. It's crowded enough down here.
Respect Personal Space
If you think you can avoid the anxiety of commuting by driving, you can't. Traffic sucks. However, you rarely have to worry about a snoozing research analyst using your shoulder as a pillow or the "accidental" graze of a leering weirdo. To the creeps out there, don't use a packed subway car as an excuse to get close to a girl. You know how far women stay away from you on the sidewalk, or in a nightclub? That's not an accident.
"Personal space" is not limited to a physical area. It also includes violating our mental tranquility by striking up a conversation. When it comes to public transit manners, take the advice of Keith Sweat and talk to nobody. If you catch a glimpse an old friend or coworker on the platform, pretend not to see them. The guilt of aggressively avoiding people is far less taxing than shoehorning small talk into the length of your morning commute.
