The Worst Comments To Leave on Your Crush's Facebook Photo

Creeper alert. This line is especially terrible if you are significantly older than the lady in question. This is basically a way of saying, "I've been waiting for you to grow up so my fantasies about you are socially sanctioned." If you're close to the same age or younger than the woman you're commenting about, this means "I know I didn't give you the time of day before, but now you're attractive, so what's up?" It won't surprise you to hear that neither of these scenarios are particularly well received.

Let us finish this sentence for you. "... and just like [Celebrity], I fantasize about you all the time." If a woman looks remotely like Kim Kardashian or Jennifer Lawrence, she has already been told so by countless people who think such an observation is original. Just tell her she's pretty, preferably to her face and not on her wall.

Change begins with you. If everyone who reads this vows to take any phone numbers shared in Facebook and Instagram comments and send them to telemarketers, we can end this pathetically thirsty gesture. Women don't generally call men, and if they do, it won't happen because they tossed out their digits for the whole digital world to see underneath a photo of her wearing yoga pants.

You are a grown ass man. Learn to express yourself. "Damn" is similar to "SMH;" it is reserved for when you don't know what to say. You can do better. If you must leave your thirst recorded on Facebook for posterity, say something like, "Kristina, you look lovely in this photo," or "Candace, you always look beautiful." Of course, it is better to not comment at all, but if you're going to leave some words, actually say something.

Translation: "nice ass." You shouldn't directly mention a girl's ass when commenting on a photo. They know what they're doing with that arched back and arm behind their head; you don't need to mention it. But, if you can't help but discuss the derriere of your beloved, come out and say it, don't try to be cutesy or coy. Comments like this make you look like ... well, you know.

Chill, you're not on the Oscar's red carpet. Every attractive woman on your Facebook feed knows that you aren't a style blogger, so there's no need to front. What you're really trying to say is "I like your body in that outfit," or, more accurately, "I like how much of your body I can see when you wear that outfit." You aren't going to get extra "nice guy" points for talking about what she's wearing instead of the cleavage that you can see more of because of what she's wearing.

Writing a line like this implies that you and the lady pictured had some meaningful relationship in the past. If you didn't date, you hooked up; if you didn't hook up, there was always unresolved sexual tension between you. The problem is that observers know that if a man actually has a chance of hooking up with a girl, he knows her well enough to send this sort of comment as a text, not a post on her wall. Posting such words on her wall make you look overprotective and delusional. If it's been "way too long" already, you can expect a comment like this will increase your wait indefinitely.

This isn't Instagram food porn, brah. Implied cannibalism is not the way to a lady's heart. Perhaps you're implying you intend on eating something else; if so, we assure you that men who comment with this word never get to do that. You're already objectifying her enough by ogling these photos; why don't you stop short of reducing a lady to the level of food?

This is just a way to say, "I wish I was fucking you right now," and it isn't clever, charming, or sweet. Unless she is studying abroad in the Swiss Alps, saying something like this is totally unacceptable. Here's the thing: if she wanted you there, you would be there, but you're not, so she doesn't. You're at home looking at galleries of celebrity sideboob and commenting on photos, and one more thirsty comment isn't going to change that.

She is a model. She's just an unpaid model. She is posting photos on Facebook for people like you to look at. Think about it. The photo isn't of her with friends or family. It isn't a photo of her at a notable landmark. It isn't from an important event. This photo was taken by an amateur photography student and features her as "the embodiment of lust" or wearing horn-rimmed glasses in a bathtub or doing that Terry Richardson "I just got done having sex, that's why my hair is messed up" thing. So, yeah, like many other females on Facebook, she is a model, she's just paid in Facebook likes, not dollars.

Platonic female friends call each other "fierce." Unless you're looking to be the friend that she takes shopping and looks to for suggestions regarding what shoes go with that dress refrain from using this adjective. Even is she is making that tiger claw with her hands and baring her teeth, do not use the word "fierce" anywhere near her Facebook page.

Every straight male appreciates bikini season. April – August are the best times of year for Internet photos outside of October 31st. Don't ruin it for everyone else by acting like you actually care about the vacation that the bikini clad beauty has taken. For all you care, she could have gone down to a recreational volleyball court or inground pool and pretended she was beachside. Creep on that "Spring Break" album all you like, just leave those as comment-free as you found them for the next man to enjoy.

There needs to be an Internet-wide ban on this one. Women know exactly how beautiful they are because they are objectified from the moment they exit the womb. Don't you think the stares, hollers, and whistles have conveyed to them exactly where they stand among other ladies in the looks department? Girls who "don't know how beautiful they are" only exist in indie movies, soft rock songs, and deep in the recesses of your delusional mind. You may not know how naïve you are, but she knows for sure that she is fine; that's why she took that picture in the first place.

Get that weak shit out of here. What are you, my grandmother? Don't you dare type "<3" unless it is in a private text to your girlfriend. And even then, don't ever let another man see that you have put these two characters next to each other. Writing out "love" takes only two more characters and has the benefit of being a word mature men use.

No. Just no. Don't even think about posting a smiley or winky face. This "I see you" gesture is cutesy and creepy at the same time, and will never elevate you in a lady's esteem. Posting one of these emoticons on a Facebook wall brings shame upon you and your family, and any mockery you receive as a result will be richly deserved. :-(