What Your <em>Game of Thrones</em> Crush Says About You

Forget online dating if you want to meet the perfect woman for you. Just hang around Navy babes on shore leave. From the get go Yara is very clear about who's in charge, and it's her. She will utilize any means necessary to gain the upper hand, even coming dangerously close to incest (Westerosians can be real brotherfuckers). She can command thirty ships on an off day, and her general solution to disagreements is to seize the castle and burn it to the ground. So, make sure you get some flame-retardant couch cushions before you give her keys. As with most powerful, driven women, Yara comes with some baggage. If you can get passed the near-incest and the cultish worship of the Drowned God, the two of you might just be able to survive anything, as long as you can survive her.

Dan Savage always says that younger partners are like camp sites: leave them better than you found them. We have a feeling that Momma Stark would do just that. Rumor has it that Tyrion agrees. If Cat's your girl, you're probably attracted to women with a little wisdom to go with their emerging grey hairs. You like a lady who knows things and wouldn't be opposed to teaching you (and hopefully letting you know when you've been a naughty boy). She usually knows what's best, but as is the case with most venerable matriarchs, she isn't opposed to letting those around her learn from their mistakes. Of course, those mistakes might mean the death of you and your entire family, but hey, as you stare up at the ceiling bleeding from your guts, you can take comfort in the fact that you've learned something.

Some guys just always go for crazy bitches. You know who you are and you should seek help. Time and again, you come home to find your shit spread across the lawn. Whereas that glint in her eye and that creepy clingy thing she does would be warning signs for most men, you always try to get as close as you can to the fire without getting burned. If you are about the Melisandre boning-on-a-Risk-table life, just try to understand there is no piece of ass worth the agony that a woman like this will bring upon your house.

If you like ladies from beyond the Wall, you probably go for females who are a little rough around the edges. You're likely the kind of guy who isn't opposed to meeting women at dive bars or in the visitation room at a woman's prison. You know that it isn't about the cleanliness of your skin or the oiliness of your hair, but the purity of your heart. It doesn't matter to you if a girl is from the wrong side of the tracks, or the Wall, because you're an idealist and you know that love can conquer anything, except being turned into a white walker.

Let me guess, you watch Mad Men and dream of the workplaces of today looking a little bit more like Sterling, Cooper, Draper, Whatever. With all of these ass-kicking, whip-smart women, you picked the girl who doesn't do anything but die? No shade towards the lovely and talented Oona Chaplin (Thank you Weis and Benioff for working in some nudity), but if Talisa is your crush, you probably aren't looking for any more strong female characters in your life.

Oh Ros, we hardly knew ye. Damn do we miss GOT's sexposition GOAT, but if you are powerless and hang around the powerful in Westeros, you are going to get got. As is the case with many prostitutes to the rich and famous, she was asked to do some freaky shit that was quite hazardous to her health. If you're still holding a candle for Ros, I don't blame you. She had it all: legendary beauty, a quick wit, and a quite a "bedside manner." Of course, at the end of the day, Ros was all business. She spied and double-crossed as necessary. If Ros is your King's Landing crush, be careful next time you go to the strip club. Don't go buying gifts for the girls just because they tell you that you look nice in that button-up. Think about if your relationship is nothing more than the business of pleasure.

Apparently, there are less black people in Westeros than at CPAC. Missandei is the only woman of color on Game of Thrones. If you have fallen head over heels for Missandei, you may be the kind of guy who values brains over flashy displays of military might. While Daenerys quietly commands armies and unleashes dragons, Missandei quietly speaks twenty languages and provides counsel when needed. Daenerys is the cheerleader in the Mustang all the guys want to hook up with, but when she has you burned alive or dumps molten gold on your skull, you'll wish you had taken Missandei home to mom instead.

For Ygritte, loyalty goes both ways. Though she will help you out in a bind, she expects the same kind of treatment in return. She has no use for customs or oaths, just the bonds of a relationship forged over time and punctuated by oral sex. If you're into Ygritte, at heart you might be a one-woman man looking for an old-fashioned kind of lady—or maybe you just have a serious thing for red heads.

If you can't resist Cersei Lannister, you're probably the kind of guy who could see himself being a stay at home dad. There is nothing wrong with that in this day and age, and with a woman like Cersei, odds are you'd never have to work again anyway. Not only is Cersei independent and career driven, she is an alpha-female leader of the pack. If you meet a woman like Cersei, you'll likely be able to ride her flowing gown's coat tails to the top. Just know that you probably won't be the one choosing what channel to watch or where you'll be going out to dinner or what position you'll be having sex in ever again.

No offense to Diana Rigg, but Helen Mirren is pretty much the only AARP member who is also a card-carrying hottie in the game. If you are sweet on Olenna, then you've got a serious Harold and Maude thing going on and potentially need to see a professional. Look, she has the quickest tongue-wit combo this side of Tyrion, but she is too old for you, bro. That being said, your grandfather should be so lucky as to land a night with the Queen Tyrell.

The best and worst thing about women who know what they want is that they are going to call you on your shit. No matter how together you may think you are, you've got shit that you need to be called on. If you are mature enough to understand this, then good on you. You are ready for a woman like Shae. No matter how much power you have, no matter whose son you are, you will have to answer for your actions if you shack up with this French (or Italian or Spanish or Dornish or whatever) prostitute. If you're man enough to handle a relationship with her without being driven mad, then more power to you, bruh.

Remember that girl in middle school who always wanted to play soccer and baseball with the boys at recess? Early in high school she wore baggy pants and baseball caps. One day, maybe it was at the school dance or picture day, she showed up sporting an outfit that made you realize how hot she was. Brienne of Tarth is basically that girl, except she could also kill you. If Brienne of Tarth is your favorite warrior princess this side of Lucy Lawless, you might want to take a step back and see if you are projecting. Is there a lady that attends your poker game or loves to come to tailgates that you've been ignoring, writing off as "just a friend" when really you could be much more? Don't let the sexual tension between you and your would-be tomboy lover simmer unfulfilled like Jaime and Brienne. You may just wake up one day to extend your one hand to your secret love and find that it's already too late.

I'm not saying she's a gold digger but...okay, she's a gold digger. Margaery learned early on that a plunging neckline can lead directly to an ample bank account. Beware of ladies like Margaery, bro. Loving you for your stacks is not the same as actually loving you. Even though Joffrey is deluded and sadistic, he should still be able to see that she's out of his league. If you've got a Margaery in your life, just make sure she's about that prenup. No neckline is worth half your assets.

Damn. Sansa has had a tough go of things. If you are attracted to Sansa Stark, you're probably looking for a lady ready to put her tumultuous past behind her. We're sure that Sansa would make a great wife (apart from that thing where she won't consummate you're marriage because she's too traumatized). With all of that excitement and heartache behind her, she'd probably want to stay in and play Settlers of Catan, no Risk though because it might arouse her PTSD. She is loyal, sweet, and has hard-earned inner strength. Loving Sansa is loving stability.

It's hard to say what having a crush on Daenerys says about you because who doesn't love the Mother of Dragons? People kill for her on the reg. We've all chased women like that at one point or another—the girl that everybody wants by their side, the woman that men view as the grand prize. If you want to take a run at Daenerys, good luck. Every time you're away from her, you'll be thinking about the guys hitting on her, desperate to make her theirs. A truly confident man wouldn't let that bother him, he would be in it for Dani, not to win Dani. Khal Drogo was pretty much the only guy confident enough in himself to understand that. Now that the love of her life is gone, good luck filling his shoes. Unless you and the woman-who-would-be-queen share the kind of bond where you visit each other in the afterlife, you're better off staying out of the never-ending race for her heart.