25 Favorite Hipsterisms that Portlandia Has Called Out So Far

For city dwellers, there are few shows as cathartic as Portlandia. Though the series takes place in the titular hipster mecca, the sketches skewer a class of people you'll find in any city that boasts a "cool" bohemian population. From Brooklyn to Austin, from Nashville to San Francisco, all over this great nation you can find folks who love slow food, photography, mason jars, and “putting a bird on it.” Portlandia takes aim at those who drift from brunch to brunch and boutique to boutique searching for meaning, the sort of people who pride themselves on the articles they’ve read, the concerts they’ve seen, and how much compost they produce.

Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein clearly have a love-hate relationship with hipsterdom, like most city dwellers. Yes, eggs benedict, McSweeney’s, and nice cocktails are cool, but damn, sometimes it seems that every person who likes those things (besides you, of course) is insufferable.

For the last three years Portlandia has reminded us that we aren’t the crazy ones, that yes, top hats and suspenders should not be valid 21st century fashion choices. The show has given us the dose of hipster mockery we need in order to continue sharing cities with the terminally cool without strangling them by their wool scarves. To show our appreciation for this public service, we have put together our 25 Favorite Hipsterisms That "Portlandia" Has Called Out So Far.

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Mocked in: Season 1, Episode 1

In this vast, cold, and unforgiving world, we just want to feel special. Some feel special by creating art and others find meaning investing in their community; the more miserable among us take pleasure in brutalizing servers with exacting menu demands. Sadly, questions like "How big is the area where the chickens are allowed to roam free?" won't seem that far fetched to anyone who's set foot in a farm-to-table restaurant.

Mocked in: Season 1, Episode 4

A new pastime is sweeping the cities of America. It's no longer enough to just read the magazines you subscribe to, or the books a friend recommends. A certain class of intellectuals seems to believe that if the Internet gives us access to everything, then it is our duty to stay up on the think-pieces.

Conversations often devolve into name-dropping this or that article rather than taking a deep dive into any topic in particular. In the modern city, a man is only as good as his RSS feed. "Did you read it?" has far more importance than "What did you think?"

Mocked in: Season 1, Episode 5

Film festivals are a wonderful thing—except for the Q&As. Screenings offer a chance to see a film on the big screen when you'd normally watch it on your laptop; industry panels shed light on important topics. Q&As, however, are usually comprised of sycophantic adoration or veiled criticisms from audience members followed by a dose of back-patting from the production team.

Sadly, Carrie's lines in this sketch will ring true for anyone who's ever talked to indie producers: "What did we shoot this movie on? We shot it on our hands and knees. We shot it with sores, with callouses. We shot it on faith."

Mocked in: Season 1, Episode 6

With the sketch about Robert Wilson, "artisanal light bulb craftsman," Portlandia asks the poignant question: "Does everything have to be artisanal?" And of course, this comes with an important follow-up: "Does everything artisanal have to be so fucking expensive?"

There are a number of stores throughout Brooklyn that we could see selling $65 light bulbs alongside their handmade axes and artisanal mayonnaise. At the end of the day, there are some products you should be able to buy at Home Depot or Wal-Mart guilt free. OK, you can't buy anything at Wal-Mart guilt free, but you know what we're saying.

Mocked in: Season 1, Episode 6

"What a journal should be is a document of misery."

Anyone who's ever taken a writing class or dug into the personal essays that the Internet labels "important" knows the value of trauma in terms of book deals and page views. Happiness is so lame, it's hard to imagine why anyone would spend a lifetime pursuing it. If you hear of someone writing about being happy, you find that person and spit on them. They need to be just as miserable as the rest of us.

Mocked in: Season 1, Episode 6

Movies in the park would be wonderful if it weren't for all the damn people in the park watching the movie. Couples, especially. It's always the happy people who feel the need to bring more and more items with them as a way of letting the world know that this is their thing. The most intense patrons turn Movies in the Park into makeshift camp sites dominated by throw pillows and Pinot Grigio. #Occupy wasn't supposed to be like this.

Mocked in: Season 2, Episode 1

One of the worst feelings in the world is meeting a friend for drinks only to discover you've been invited to a fancy cocktail bar. Not only are you going to pay triple the price you would have paid elsewhere, you will also get slow, condescending service in return for your additional cash. These places are worth going to at least once, if you haven't been, if only to see how the wooden décor, 1930s outfits, and jazz music do all they can to make you feel like you are being served by a "chemist" and not "just a bartender." Go steampunk yourself, bro.

Mocked in: Season 2, Episode 1

Portlandia understands that activism is far too often just about the activists. It doesn't matter what cause they're promoting, it just matters that you sign the petition so that everyone involved can feel better about themselves. There may be no I in "team," but there are two Is in "activism."

Mocked in: Season 2, Episode 2

Binge-watching isn't just for hipsters; constantly talking about the shows you're binge-watching is for hipsters (guilty as charged). The Battlestar Galactica sketch has lived on as one of Portlandia's greatest hits for good reason. Binge-watching is a strange cultural phenomenon. Nothing else but great TV can make driven bohemians put off their freelance responsibilities in favor of spending days sitting on the couch.

We've all had the experience of reaching the end of a show and wishing there was just one more episode. If you haven't watched Battlestar Galactica, you should probably drop what you're doing and get on that. So say we all.

Mocked in: Season 2, Episode 3

Nothing is more annoying than those friends who get married, but want everyone to know that they "don't really believe in marriage." When you hear Spike (Armison) and his fiancée (Brownstein) tell the wedding planner, "We don't want anything that reads as 'wedding,'" you get Vietnam-esque flashbacks to mason jars, unconventional bands, and friends ordained on the Internet that mark this new normal of non-wedding weddings. At this point, wearing an ill-fitting Men's Wearhouse tux is more enticing than having to hear someone else say their wedding is going to be "not a big deal."

Mocked in: Season 2, Episode 3

Hipsters, like bros, like things that are initially cool, and then proceed to ruin them with their zeal. Bros like sex, beer, nachos, and football: all wonderful things. Hipsters like vinyl, novels, and vintage clothes: also, great things. At first.

Hipsters have even managed to make saving the environment annoying with their relentless judgment. Every time you forget to recycle a bottle or leave your reusable bags at home, you're made to feel like you've just donated money to the Koch Brothers, as you're branded with a scarlet "W" for wasteful.

Mocked in: Season 2, Episode 4

This sketch is barely satire; it feels like a photo-realistic take on life in the city. Every friend or acquaintance you meet will someday have a DJ Night. Usually, this means that they will be playing from their record collections. It can sometimes even mean that they are going to be allowed to stand in the corner of the bar and fiddle with their iPod. If you understand this, you know what hell is like.

Mocked in: Season 2, Episode 4

Hipsters love to be quirky, no matter who they're inconveniencing. Goofy scavenger hunts are perhaps the zenith of obnoxious hipster quirk. Some urban scavenger hunts are so large that entire neighborhoods will be overrun by costumed teams that couldn't be more pleased with themselves. When a scavenger hunt breaks out, those in the vicinity hunt for a way to be anywhere else.

Mocked in: Season 2, Episode 5

Finally, someone put their finger on it. It was incredibly confusing when handlebar moustaches, suspenders, mutton chops, and barrels started to appear in every up-and-coming neighborhood. This urban rustic vibe actually came from a desire to go extremely vintage, like Industrial Revolution vintage. We owe an eternal debt to Portlandia for helping us understand why so many people are walking around looking like dandies and street urchins.

Mocked in: Season 2, Episode 6

One of the strangest things about moving to a big city is how few things some stores sell. If you grew up in the land of shopping malls and Wal-Mart, it's hard to imagine a store that doesn't pack itself to the gills with merchandise. Yet, in cooler neighborhoods, the customers seem to outnumber the items available for sale. The only issue we take with Portlandia's take is that their boutique "Two Girls, Two Shirts" went out of business. In the real world, these businesses stay open long after your favorite spots go under.

Because the world is insane and spiteful.

Mocked in: Season 2, Episode 6

If you have friends who are into music or film, you've likely wondered how many of those "successful crowdfunding campaigns" were supported by generous parents. It just wasn't enough for their 'rents to take out a second mortgage to pay for art school; it's important that they double down on that debt so that their offspring's avant-garde zombie-themed music video can become a reality.

Mocked in: Season 2, Episode 6

If you're a few years out of college, a fun Facebook game is guessing which of your former classmates will open an Etsy store first. If they live in the city, this store will involve jewelry, and if they move to the suburbs it will be some kind of kitschy, soft craft that no one in their right mind would ever spend their hard-earned money on.

Either way, the products will be awful, and the person bankrolling this project will be secretly bitter about the whole enterprise.

Mocked in: Season 2, Episode 10

Watching the "Brunch Village" episode of Portlandia is painful. As you watch the line curve around the block, you're forced to engage with the fact that you too have waited hours for eggs Benedict. It's like psychoanalysis making you realize that your parents don't love you because you don't love yourself. Going to brunch is an act of unloving yourself.

They got everything right in this episode, down to the less-cool place next door that has no line, but still attracts no customers.

Mocked in: Season 3, Episode 3

If there wasn't Wikipedia evidence to the contrary, it would be easy to believe that Twitter was founded just so people could complain about having TV shows spoiled for them. There was more Internet chatter about people being angry over House of Cards spoilers than there was actual conversation about the events that took place in House of Cards. Name-dropping shows you don't want to be spoiled on is a great tool for the hipster, as you can gain the cultural capital associated with the show without ever having actually watched it.

Mocked in: Season 3, Episode 3

You can tell how hip a restaurant is by the length of its Yelp reviews. Your cool friends who are perpetually frustrated with their unfinished novels and screenplays have no trouble penning a 1,000-word Yelp review. These reviews go off to independent coffee store owners and restaurateurs who take them as gospel handed down on tablets. It's enough to make you wish you could write angry Yelp reviews of other people's Yelp reviews.

And that's how the world ends.

Mocked in: Season 3, Episode 8

Nothing is more attractive than an unconventional artisan. Everyone has dated a writer or a cook, but it's a true prize to be the first person in your friend group to date a furniture maker. This white whale of a potential mate has the blue-collar thing we all feel guilty for not having and the art thing that we all wish we had.

In today's world, the furniture maker is king, except when it comes to the whole making-money thing. But, really that's what second marriages are for.

Mocked in: Season 3, Episode 8

If Zooey Deschanel's characters have taught us anything, it's that us millenials love the idea of being spontaneous. Of course, actual spontaneity is kind of terrible, but seeming spontaneous, or calling things spontaneous when they aren't, is great. Anyone who writes that they "want someone spontaneous" in their OKCupid profile should be required to watch the sketch where Fred buys tickets to Italy for a woman he barely knows.

Mocked in: Season 3, Episode 9

One of the biggest dangers of living in a city that we never talk about is finding yourself in the middle art installations. They can make you late for work. They can ruin an otherwise lovely night at an art gallery or the theater. In general, they are a destructive force. Worse still, in post-modern society, one can never be sure if they are having an authentic experience or just happened into an art installation unwittingly.

Mocked In: Season 3, Episode 9

"If you want some asymmetrical haircut, you should be like 'Yeah I know Oingo Boingo,' or at least know what New Wave was ... When someone looks a certain way, I ascribe certain knowledge to them."

Who hasn't been there? You're sipping your latte at the coffee shop and you spot a potential mate with the coolest vintage outfit staring at their phone through horn-rimmed glasses. Upon closer inspection you see that they're watching Real Housewives of Atlanta and not reading the New Yorker like you fantasized they would be. SMH.

Mocked in: Season 3, Episode 10

More and more restaurants are providing that experience that annoys you at Le Pain Quotidien everyday. There's nothing quite like being forced to be extremely close to strangers, but having no shared experience that encourages you to talk to them. You have no shared interests that you know of, other than food, which is a shared interest of most of humanity, yet you have to spend a meal elbow to elbow. Another great reason to hit up Seamless.