The Funny Ways Bartenders Stereotype You Based on What You Drink

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Jen, a bartender and stand-up comedian, got her start working in one of L.A.'s dingiest collegiate sports bars, and she says it provided a lot of great material. Now that she works at higher-end places, she says one thing has remained the same, people who think they're on a diet (or want people to think they're on a diet) drink vodka sodas. "God forbid you just drink less. Instead, you punish yourself with a drink that only has flavor if you add a twist of lime."

"Four Loko was banned for a reason," Jen tells me as she launches into stories about her first job at that douchey frat boy cantina. "I always tell people that it was the kind of place where you could drink eighteen vodka Red Bulls and pass out on the bathroom floor. That was literally part of my job at this place. I had to check the bathroom at the end of the night and wake up girls who passed out on the bathroom floor." She shook her head at the thought of the memories and added, "I'm pretty sure to buy those drinks, you're required to have a shitty tattoo."

"Shock Top, Blue Moon, and a lot of other beers are owned by InBev, the guys who own Coors. The tiniest bit of research will tell you these aren't craft beers. The places I work don't carry those beers, so I'll say we've got another great Belgian White that I recommend, and they look at me like I'm an idiot or panic and just order water," said Chris.

"The culture paints craft beer fans as snobs, but in my experience they really aren't. These guys care about supporting local businesses. They're great customers. They're likely to become regulars. They tip well. The guys who come fill up their growlers and then hang out and drink it in a community garden, these are guys you like having around. They know what they like and they care," said Chris.

All four bartenders were excited to make fun of people who drink picklebacks. Jen says, “Every so often, these gimmicky drinks become popular. Some dumb girl strides up the bar and looks at you like she has a secret and says, ‘Do you know about picklebacks?’ Yeah, I know about picklebacks, honey.”

Chris adds, “picklebacks and other drinks like that are just created to cut down on the taste of the liquor. You totally lose the whiskey when you drink a pickleback. It’s like ordering a rum and coke—you want to get drunk without the alcohol taste. I get it. There’s nothing wrong with that, but just own it.”

Ladies, if you want to look a little older than your actual age, pull your hair back in a ponytail, throw on some yoga pants, and order the butteriest Chardonnay you can find. Chris says he and his bartender buddies call these wines "Cougar Juice." The other bartenders interviewed agreed. The consensus is that you can really sell the soccer MILF look if you constantly try to show the bartender pictures on your phone and demand more ice in the wine, even if it is served at cellar temperatures.

"It's hard to believe you haven't watched Sex and the City yet and upgraded to cosmos," Chris says, wincing at the word "appletini." The other bartenders agreed, but asked that flavored rums and vodkas be added to the list of drinks that say are for "rookie night."

"You see these drinks all the time on holidays," adds Liz. "You have no idea how many appletinis we sell on Valentine's Day. Believe it or not, that's a real rookie drinking holiday."

"You're coming out here with friends or on a date and you order a fucking Bud Light? Get out of here. If you're hanging out for a whole day, for football or something, and you just want to drink, that's a whole other story. But, if you're coming out on a Saturday night, and you came to the bar to socialize and drink, and you order one of those gas station light beers, you got some shit to think about. Drink those beers when you day drink because they're basically water, but otherwise, grow the fuck up," said Brad.

"Martinis are a grown-up drink," Liz says. "What's more adult than putting an olive in your alcohol? You can just imagine these people tying a few on and then fending off the shakes to go do something terribly important."

Chris agrees that he respects a martini drinker, but in general, he says he appreciates a customer who knows what they like. "I don't care if it's a mojito. Whatever it is, as long as you're confident and specific, and it's not some drink you made up, then I know this is someone I can deal with. You think you're being fun when you say 'Make me whatever,' but you're just being annoying."

If you're trying to prove how tough you are by downing whiskey shots, these bartenders recommend you try a different approach. "It's just sad," Jen says, "I start asking myself questions, guessing about his life story. Why are you taking shots on a Wednesday? Did you just get fired? Are you building up the courage to do something you're going to regret?" Chris adds, "straight shots make you look like a drunk, but too much ice makes you look like a pussy. A couple of rocks is a nice middle-ground."