Image via Complex Original
Dear Patrons,
Thank you for gracing our establishments with your presence. Since you’ll be annoying everyone in your vicinity for an indefinite amount of time, we’ve decided to share some insider tips to make the experience a bit nicer. It’s advice—and it’s on us.
There are numerous things that you, as a customer, do to piss bartenders off on a regular basis. Much of this should be common sense, but we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you don’t realize it. Or you’re just that wasted. Because Complex understands the plight of the bartender, we’ve decided to share the 10 worst things you can do to a bartender. Hopefully you’ll take note. Immediately.
Sincerely,
Your Friendly Neighborhood Bartenders
P.S.—Don’t fuck with people in the service industry.
Words by Julian Kimble (@JRK316)
10. Hand Waving
All good bartenders have mastered the art of non-verbal communication and have extremely active peripherals, so waving at them like mimes, screaming “BARTENDER!,” or the even more insulting “Hey...HEY!” will only get you ignored. Swiftly.
9. Not Knowing What You Want
Opting for charade-like tactics to flag a bartender down is absurd enough, but don’t get their attention and have the audacity to not know what you want. In addition, after you've finally remembered why you harassed the bartender in the first place, make sure you order all of your drinks at once. Bartenders can’t stand it when they've already made one, and then you ask for four more.
8. Not Knowing Your Surroundings
There’s no quicker way to ruin yourself in the eyes of a bartender than by not realizing where you're at. Don’t make yourself look like a clown by walking into the grimiest of dives and ordering a Blue Motorcycle. Or a Flirtini. Truth be told, if you do that and the bartender doesn’t shoot you the stank-eye before telling you no in disgust, they're being far too nice. Tip accordingly.
7. Ordering Sh*t You Learned About On The Internet
Look, if you didn’t know about Jager Bombs before this came out, don’t order one. By ordering a Jager Bomb, you look just like the dudes in the video—lame. Furthermore, you also look like an amateur, and the bartenders will clown you behind your back.
If you must do a bomb shot, keep it respectable with a simple Car Bomb. If you’ve irritated your bartender enough to order one, you’ll at least give them the opportunity to exact revenge by emptying your pockets and charging you out the ass for it.
But real talk: since the purpose of a bomb is to get hammered as quickly as possible, why not just order a regular shot or two? Why turn things into a circus act?
6. Complaining About Being Carded
Keep your ID on you at all times. Don’t bitch and moan if a bartender asks you to show it, because some of you should be flattered. And you should definitely keep your mouth shut if you’re 22 but look 11.
If your fake ID looks like a fake ID and you get caught up, you deserve whatever happens to you. Take your young-ass home and come back when you turn 21.
5. Horrible Jukebox Selections
Ah, the gift and the curse of the jukebox. If you’re at a bar and need to put something in the air, think about what you're going to play. Avoid anything a drunk frat party/bachelorette party would play (though celebratory trap music is always welcome). If you select Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing,” you've made a mistake. The same goes for Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumping,” Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline,” and the entire Ace of Base catalog.
Chill with the Lady Gaga. Not everyone wants to hear “Bad Romance,” especially the bartender, who has already heard it five times this evening alone.
4. Nobody Cares That It's Your Birthday
First and foremost, fuck your birthday. Seriously. The simple fact that it's the anniversary of the day you were born does not give you a license to be a brat, or try and run the bar. Don’t ask the bartender to “make you something special” or “buy you a shot." Asking for someone to buy you anything is like begging for a retweet—you’re playing yourself, and with an unforgiving audience.
3. Bathroom Fornicating
Many are guilty of this, but still—bartenders (and other bar employees) shouldn't have to deal with your impulses. Don’t fuck around (or fuck) in the bathroom. It’s not romantic, it's not sanitary. Being this nasty is, in fact, a huge health code violation for the bar. The amount of bodily fluids (and solids) that end up on those floors and walls by night's end would blow your mind.
Do everyone a favor and just take it home.
2. When You're Too F*cked Up To Serve
Please don't vomit. If you must yack, be certain to do it in a trash can or toilet bowl. It’d be swell if you could just hold your liquor for the allotted amount of time that you’re at the bar, but don’t ruin everyone’s night because you refuse to respect your limit. Nobody likes cleaning up vomit—especially someone else’s.
In addition, if you’re going to pass out, it’s time to go home. The comfort of your own bed is better than any bar, bathroom stall, or floor.
1. Sh*tty Tips
Tips, meaning to insure proper service. The best way to do that is to tip early and often. If you elect to take your time, you’ll enjoy lengthy waits between drinks. Working at a bar isn't table service, meaning you’re buying a bartender’s time. This means the bartender is thinking, Why would I waste time with someone who isn't tipping graciously when I can spend it with someone who's actually spending?
Like everyone else in the service industry, the absolute worst thing you can do to a bartender after they've put up with you for however long is to disrespect them via a pathetic tip. If you can’t afford to fork over a respectable amount after paying for your $3 PBR, why the hell are you out?
The industry standard for tipping is 20%—if you can’t adhere to that, please don't frequent bars. The minimum tip for anything up to $5 is $1. And don’t you dare attempt to tip with change. That's for panhandlers.
