Game of Thrones has taken over. With the HBO juggernaut set to conclude one of the most blockbuster, united viewing experiences the TV medium has ever seen in a mere five weeks, every online publication, magazine, blog, medium and the like is publishing takes, predictions, reflections, etc. like a content fire sale. It's a lot to sift through, a lot of it is redundant, some of it is barely more reputable than Reddit fanfic theorizing. Producing material that has a chance of standing out amidst the fray is the real challenge. Complex threw its hat in the ring in the walk-up to the season premiere with this incredibly nerdy but fun-to-look-at glossary. But we're in the great game now. We have four episodes to go and an audience that wants to be engaged in the six days between them, and a jillion other sites publishing the same episode recap.
So instead of me, a day one fan of the series over-prosing my musings on each episode and uselessly projecting where the series might go, I said yes when former Complex employee Zach "P Chopz" Frydenlund jokingly-but-also-seriously volunteered to review the episodes for us. The catch: he, despite being an HBO subscriber who purports to watch good TV, has never, ever seen this series before. He didn't binge any episodes or recap videos in the lead-up. He's going into each episode colder than the Night King. These are Chopz's unfiltered, first-impression thoughts during a live viewing of Season 8, Episode 2, "A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms." Fans who've been riding with this series for years were invested but how does it play on its own merit to a Cleveland boy who once asked me what a scanner does and regarded True Detective Season 3 as a bigger event? Let's see.
Upset alert, I’m back. You dragon lovers may not like it but you have to deal with it. If you somehow missed last week, I’m reviewing the final season of Game of Thrones without having seen any of the show before. I’m not only reviewing the latest, episode 2, but also judging all of you for being so cool with incest and boring television. All week people told me “that was just a set-up episode” and “things are about to get fucking crazy.” Despite that super snooze of premiere, I’m willing to keep pushing through this weird fucking show. BTW, this isn’t better than Lost or Breaking Bad. I don’t care what you tell me. Beat it, nerds.
Ok. Let’s do this. Live diary below. Don’t censor me, Frazier.
[Jaime Lannister's informal trial at Winterfell]
- Let’s start with this: I’m still Jon Snow hive but that is depending on how he deals with this whole smashing-his-aunt situation. I can’t get over how weird it is that you guys are just ok with this. [Ed Note: We do not condone AeJon smashing his aunt.]
- Episode 69? Nice.
- Need Weirdo Bran to get revenge here on this dude. Sneak up on him.
- Bran dropping Woj bombs in the middle of this city council meeting.
- They should very clearly not trust this Jaime guy. Are they dumb? This is Andy Reid with two minutes left in a game type execution.
[Jaime and Bran reunite]
- Arya trying to get BUSY with the weapon dude. This show is basically Love & Hip-Hop with some dragons.
- Here we go….. Need Bran to literally roll over this dude.
- “Sorry” doesn’t seem to feel like enough here tbh.
- Jaime basically pulled up to Bran and said, “Ayy lmao, we good?”
- Anticlimactic smh. Story of this show.
- Jaime like the washed up vet signing with the Warriors. Doing anything to get a ring. Sad.
[Daenerys tries to mend fences with Sansa]
- Dany running this place like the Knicks. These motherfuckers about to get washed by the ice guy.
- Literally nothing is happening. I hate all of you. I might quit mid-review.
- Sansa is wack. Dany is wack. Someone get Arya that hammer already.
- Breh, fuck the north. Who cares.
- No idea what happened in that scene but that might be Sansa’s boo? [Chopz might be on to something here...some light sparks between Sansa and Theon]
- (Streets alerted me Theon has no dick. WTF)
- Sidenote: How many people have lost their dicks? More than one? WTF is wrong with this show? [To my surprise, we actually have related content to this matter from a few seasons ago. Follow that hyperlink at your own risk]
[The core team meets to strategize against the White Walker invasion]
- This little girl ain’t about to do shit. [I have no idea if he's talking about Lyanna sonning her 4x her age cousin Jorah here or the Oliver Twist soup girl who reminded Davos and Gilly of Shireen but both options are hilarious so it doesn't matter]
- “Big woman still here?” This is the horniest show on TV. No wonder Twitter loves it.
- Finally some fucking action?
- False alarm. Just meeting about how they’re about to get fucked up.
- YES, use Bran as bait. PLEASE. Roll him out there.
- “We’re all going to die.” I like that redhead guy. He sees how fucked they all are.
- WHO DAT (Frazier remove this lmao) [No. #MissandeiHive]
- Strong feeling Sam getting murked soon.
- Damn, Jon told Sam he ain’t about that action lmao.
[Tyrion leads a Long Night pre-game gathering in the Great Hall]
- Jaime was sleeping with his sister???? Wtf is wrong with y’all? More incest. My lord.
- Tyrion pouring up like Diddy at a Ciroc party in Miami.
- Ok, this dude is the greatest character on the show. Grew up living off of giant tit milk. Legend.
- Also, that breast milk story came out of fucking nowhere lmao. Love that dude.
- They all know this is the end and are just getting blind drunk and trying to bag something.
[Arya spends her last night crossing something else off of her list]
- He about to drop off more than the spear to Arya…
- Horniest show of all fucking time.
- Ugh, that felt weird. At least they weren’t related, right? (If it felt weird for this idiot, it definitely had to feel weird for those of us who watched Arya grow up on this show, right?)
- GOAT’s name is Tormund? “I’d knight you 10 times over.” Lmao. Yes.
- How do we make Future a Knight?
- Can someone die? I’m bored.
[Jon tells Dany]
- Ah, time for more incest. Cool.
- Welp, Jon dropping the bombs. Hope they both feel disgusted with themselves.
- Dany seems mad. Maybe don’t fuck your nephew, lady. Called karma.
- Claim that shit, Jon.
- Ok, so the badass ice people are here.
Final Thoughts: Two setup episodes to start a season is bold. Guess we’ll see what happens next time. People better die—hopefully Bran first. Not sorry. See y’all next week (maybe).
Night King in a sweep.
