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None of what is about to be discussed in this bare-bones "news" article is any of my business. More importantly, it's none of yours. I would suggest that you get a life, at which point you might reasonably suggest that I too procure one for myself, but let's face it: We're all doomed to the same fate, so the idea of criticizing anyone for spending actual hours reading about the super alleged details of public figures' personal lives seems increasingly trivial.

Anyway, in a so-called exclusive report Monday, the minds behind the leading provider of riveting consciousness-expanding texts Entertainment Tonight unveiled a way-too-long article filled with alleged Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson relationship details. Among the alleged reveals are that the allegedly engaged Grande and Davidson are in "heaven" compared to their past relationships, the passion is "the real deal," and their coupling is "fueled" by equal parts emotions and aforementioned passion. Good for them. They honestly both seem cool as hell.

But why do I need to know this? Who are these sources, exactly? What if someone else started writing half-baked articles about my relationships? 

Personally, I'd rather talk art. Davidson, for example, stars in John Turturro's upcoming Big Lebowski spinoff Going Places. He's joined by Bobby Cannavale, Audrey Tautou, and Susan Sarandon. Meanwhile, Grande has a new album—simply titled Sweetener—set for release in August. Thursday, she'll be dropping her new Nicki Minaj collab "Bed." The track was previously announced as the next single from Minaj's upcoming Queen album, also due in August.