On this week’s episode of The Bachelor, the group plays fútbol at the StubHub Center, where a woefully unathletic Sharleen receives three violent, likely intentional shots to her midsection. Chelsie and Cassandra score one-on-one dates, both of which culminate in nighttime make out sessions. And, the episode concludes with an impromptu pool party at the mansion. The party is a lot of fun until Kat sits on Juan Pablo's shoulders, inexplicably triggering a series of tearful therapy sessions in the cabana. 

When the dust settles, free spirit Lucy and some chick named Christy get the boot. I watch this show with the unyielding focus of Bill Belichick during game week and I had no idea who Christy was until the last 30 seconds of episode three. In sum, no fireworks in this week's rose ceremony.

To make order of The Bachelor’s ceaseless fuckery, Complex Pop Culture ranks the show’s contestants every week based on their unyielding desire for meritless fame. Behold, the third installment of Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: The Bachelor Power Rankings.

Sean Evans is a writer based in Chicago. He's incredibly boring on Twitter, but we're obliged to provide his handle @seanseaevans.

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