On this week’s episode of The Bachelor, Victoria gets bombed on the roof of a hotel and spends most of the episode’s second hour bawling her eyes out in a bathroom stall. Clare and Kat score one-on-one dates, both of which are categorically boring and forgettable. And this week’s group date is a photo shoot featuring a dude with an electric blue goatee, stray dogs, and a couple butt-ass naked women.

No, you are not tripping balls on peyote; this is real life.

To make order of The Bachelor’s absurd fuckery, we’ve ranked the show’s contestants based on their unyielding desire for meritless fame. Behold, the second installment of Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: The Bachelor Power Rankings.

Sean Evans is a writer based in Chicago. He's incredibly boring on Twitter, but we're obliged to provide his handle @seanseaevans.

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