ABC’s The Bachelor is strange. The show—now in its 18th season—purports to manufacture a marriage by facilitating a real-life harem. One man—in this case the painfully lifeless Juan Pablo—eliminates women from a rented mansion one excruciatingly drawn out rose ceremony at a time. If all goes according to plan, he’ll be left with his soul mate; a person he can count on for life three week’s worth of promotional magazine spreads.

The women, on the other hand, go through most of the casting process without even knowing who their potential suitor is going to be. Let that soak in for a second. These girls don’t know if they’re going to wax insincerely about “being [there] for the right reasons” to Brooks, Drew, or some other spray tanned jerkoff with an ankle tattoo. And, even if they did, it wouldn’t matter.

If Rob Ford, the crack smoking mayor of Toronto, pulled up to The Bachelor mansion in a horse-drawn carriage, these bottle service waitresses on sabbatical would still beat one another with the heels of their Jimmy Choo pumps for a one-on-one date.

To celebrate this indiscriminate, unyielding desire for meritless fame, we present Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: The Bachelor Power Rankings.

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