Image via Complex Original
In friendships, there are the best of times, and the worst of times. And then there are those awful, unpoetic moments that even a great mind like Charles Dickens could never comprehend, like when your best boy decides it would be completely fine if he hooked up the girl who remorselessly tossed your heart in a meat grinder.
If you find yourself faced with one of those moments, we're here to here to help you keep your cool (and decide whether it's worth keeping your friend): How to Handle Your Best Friend Hooking Up With Your Ex-Girlfriend.
By Shanté Cosme (@ShanteCosme)
Determine your claim to rage
There is no one-size-fits-all appropriate response to when you find your closest compadre has been shacking up with your ex. But, let's be real. Was she your ex, or was she a girl you occasionally poked? The gravity of the relationship plays a large part in how much anger you're reasonably entitled to.
Things to consider when formulating a response:
- How long ago did you break up? Have years passed since you called things off, or was homeboy hitting it the minute she hit the market?
- Did you break up with her? Were you over it (or fronting like you were) to the degree that your friend would have likely assumed he'd be good to go? Or, was it a known fact among your boys that she left you whimpering for weeks after the split?
- How did he approach you about the situation? Did you hear it through some convoluted game of telephone, or did he break the news himself?
There is a difference between being blatantly malicious, and genuinely believing it might not be an issue on his end. Recognizing the difference between the two determines how appropriate your response is on the scale of ambivalent to legitimately livid.
Don’t meddle, have faith in retribution
When the person you least expect to do you dirty pulls this kind of a stunt, it can be tempting to go all Hammurabi's Code on them and start trolling Facebook for an ex-girl of his (or friend of hers) that would be down for a little blow-for-blow (see what we did there?) retaliation.
The prospect of trailing each of their names through the mud and tarnishing their reputations will be equally enticing, as will diabolical meddling to ensure their relationship's speedy demise.
Don't waste your time on revenge or lame attempts at lashing out. Instead, maintain your squeaky clean karma (a clear conscience is godliness, or something like that) and rejoice in the knowledge that being a shitty friend is worse than having one.
Show her your poker face
In a scenario like this, you'll naturally be tempted to give your former lover turned friend-fucker a phone call. The conversation would be a pathetic mix of expletives, death threats, unbecoming wining, and angry accusations about "forgetting the beauty of what we had." Resist this urge.
Aside from being an easy way to let off steam about the situation (there's something strangely therapeutic about yelling, "DID WE MEAN NOTHING?"), doing so will make you look like a hard-on harboring pansy who is either still in love with her, or unable to put his wounded pride in check. It's safe to say neither are particularly flattering.
Rather than giving her a chance to feel smug, don't give her a reaction. Period. Hell, it might be the only reason she’s doing it in the first place. Women have been capable of more manipulative schemes. Believe that.
Don't get physical
OK, we'll put it out there. If you round-housed this pretender to the face, you'd be completely justified in doing so. We wouldn't blame you, and truthfully, neither would he. But rather than going the expected Neanderthal route, try taking the path less followed and be more composed than expected.
Hear us out on this one. Sure, you won't get the satisfaction of making fist to face contact, but you will retain your gentleman card and your composure. Plus, any injuries your boy retained would be an indelible mark of your jealousy and subsequent revenge. He'll feel like he's endured his punishment and is absolved of sin, and she'll feel smug you give enough of a shit to kick your friend's ass over her.
Don't give either of them the satisfaction. Let them wallow in self-afflicted guilt, preferably forever. That's more painful than any knock to the dome. Trust.
Keep your enemies closer
If you're torn between letting his foul become water under the bridge and tearing his face off, sometimes the best policy is feign forgiveness, but never forget. In other words, keep your enemies close.
By letting him believe he's still in your good graces (even if he's totally not), he'll act with more respect going forward, rather than talking smack behind your back and otherwise continuing the unneeded drama. At worst, he makes the same mistake again and confirms your lingering doubts about his character. At best, he works harder to be a better, more trustworthy friend. Either way, it works in your favor.
Choose to cut him off, or forgive him
Your boy made a conscious choice to put his sex drive (or feelings, both are equally despicable) over your long-term-bromance. Now it's up to you to make a choice: Will you forgive his faux-pas, or cut him out entirely?
If you choose to forgive, know you'll probably never feel entirely comfortable introducing him to your new boo. In the back of your mind, he'll always be circling her like a starved hyena, waiting for you to walk away so he can devour your relationship's remains.
Or, you can be the bigger man and win some karma points by letting his admittedly major slip-up slide. You can't claim ownership over a woman like she's a cashmere cardigan, after all. If he chooses to wear your well-worn sweater with the freshly-made pit stains, god speed!
Acknowledge the fact that he's probably not your best friend
We hate to be the bearer of bad (also, obvious) news, but if your boy is raiding your past arsenal of ass, he's probably not your best friend. If he was a decent, bro-code abiding man, he would have observed a proper waiting period (depending on the situation, the proper waiting period could reasonably be never) and asked for your permission. This is the inalienable, impenetrable, fucking basic man code.
Sure, you can't fault him for catching feelings, but you can fault him for acting on them with no regard to yours. He had a choice to put your feelings first, but instead he chose to smash. A real pal prioritizes his friendship over a female, no exceptions.
