The Unrequited Love 

(A.K.A. Platonic Purgatory)

Lines to use:

"I resolve to accept the fact that I have an exceptionally large penis."

"I resolve to finally tell you that I'm a multimillionaire."

I resolve to disbelieve what your ex said about you being lousy in bed..although I may have to get some proof eventually."

Line to avoid:

"I resolve to stop masturbating while weeping in that tree outside your house."