3. Otherwise innocent toys look like sexual playthings.

Having sex with the consistency of syndicated, weeknight sitcom reruns brings with it a certain need to mix things up a bit. Five nights in a row of missionary sounds redundant, doesn’t it? That’s where sex toys come in, and your bedside desk drawer fills with vibrators, nipple clamps, dong rings, and something called The Assifier.

Overusing such kinky gizmos can cloud a man’s judgment, however. Which is why those trips to Toys R Us for your nephew’s birthday unavoidably turn into a Russ Meyer-directed dream sequence. No, that’s not a vibrating dual harness—it’s a Nerf gun, sicko.