If you’ve spent a very unhealthy chunk of your existence obsessing about why that one extraterrestrial being just won’t text you back, you may now have your answer. According to some super speculative reports, the very pre-Snapchat device below may have been generous aliens' first attempt at introducing lowly humans to the joys of cellular devices:
The report, first picked up by Mysterious Universe before making it all the way to Cosmopolitan, claims the mysterious tablet emblazoned with cuneiform script was discovered in the Austrian town of Fuschl am See during an archeological dig. Aside from the device's obvious similarities to your grandmother's stubbornly-still-in-existence Jitterbug phone, some are already proposing that maybe an alien accidentally left this phone behind nearly 3,000 years ago.
Citing a "controversial theory" from the late writer Zecharia Sitchin, Mysterious Universe kindly introduces the notion of alien phones as a result of some Sumerian civilization action:
Sadly, the cuneiform script has not been translated and the general improbability of this entire proposition kind of just makes the whole thing quite a bummer.
Regardless, you can now forgive all aliens for never texting you back. They're simply living in the future.
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