"Occasionally Dressed" is now "Occasionally Clothed" thanks to some legal action. Fear not, "Occasionally Clothed" is still an ongoing series in which Paul Beirne builds outfits for life's many occasions.
I'm about as athletic as your fat best friend who likes sports way too much for a guy who could shave 2 years off of his lifespan playing a game of tee ball (per at-bat). I'm at another disadvantage, though, because I neither know the rules and regulations, nor have the intrinsic motors kills necessary to play any sports aside from ice hockey. Basically, in North America, particularly Pittsburgh, I am a useless, shameful waste of a man. No athletic ability save for a Canadian sport? No almanac-like recollection of players names, statistics, regulations, current events, coaches, team management, facility conditions or contract valuations?
"GO BACK TO WILLIAMSBURG, AFGHANISTAN YOU DIRTY HIPPIENSURGENT," I imagine my Father says every morning as he wakes up and remembers his son's not Derek Jeter, no matter how much the bagel shop lady says I look like him, twisting the knife.
Naturally, I was all but tickled (sub-LOL: butt-tickled!) when I found myself in the position to fill in for a friend at a charity basketball game. Even for a babysoft, "special" millennial weinerbaby like myself, I could not turn down a charity event simply for the sake of my ego. Thus, I grabbed my Mitchell & Ness out the frame from which it displayed proudly in the den/my old bedroom of my parents home, ready to "cross up (?)" a defense-person-guy on the hardwood floor (?) of an elementary school gymnasium. Some might even say I was ready to grab the rock and take it to their hole (?).
"I'm pretty useless for the field goals, fellas," I exclaimed to my teammates as I stepped out onto the rink (?). Working out the cobwebs, I was able to sink a few key "lay-ups" early on in our warm-up, against all odds. 20 minutes later, I was pretty much a natural, sinking even some of my "lay-ups" with only one hand! All in all, the match of sport was good and I even CROSSFADED A PICK ON THE BOUNCE PASS, NEARLY DIMING THE GOALTENDER INTO A SHOT-CLOCK! Total balljump, I know, but hey, it's America's pastime and I got in some solid goaltending. Coming from a guy who can barely walk while bouncing a ball, I even amazed myself when the ref stopped play to laud my double-dribble.
Sneakers:
This charity gig turned out to be a little more than I bargained for as I needed to purchase all new gear. I needed digs that would say, "Hey, I know what I'm doing out here," while simultaneously, "Hey, I don't know what I'm doing out here. Be nice, I get shin splints." Additionally, scientific data shows that "the shoes" are key to playing as if one is "on fire." I figured I'd make it worth my while and get semi-trill on the footwear by grounding myself in some hashtag menswear favorites.
Shirt:
Up top, I'm also going with the unanimously blogger approved tall tee—At 4 for $20, the deal is so real, it's virtually undeniable. Again, this is a menswear investment that will stay on ice, ready to be broken out of its cryogenically frozen state come that unavoidable S/S2 025 swagathon. I wish I was kidding, but do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? It's the sound of inevitability.
Paul Beirne is a blogger and menswear enthusiast living in Washington, DC. Follow him on Twitter here, or check out his personal blogging here.
