Our New Favorite Show, "Cute Him Up!", Is Embarrassing Boyfriends Everywhere

January 29, 2014

Image via Complex Original

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you "Cute Him Up", your favorite new makeover show (read: comedy). Girls, are you tired of your guy dressing like a slob? Want to make fun of him on camera and then make him wear terrible clothes? If you answered "yes" to both of these questions then "Cute Him Up!" is your new jam. The logo of this show being a bowtie pretty much explains everything, actually. Do women really want their men to look cute? That's hard to say because I'm not a woman and also because I don't really give a shit. Regardless, please watch EVERY SINGLE EPISODE RIGHT NOW THIS VERY MINUTE because, at the very least, you need to know exactly how not to dress ever.

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Episode 1: Ayako & Wally

Before:

I’m not even mad at Wally’s original wardrobe. It just vibes v Modell's, v Nike outlet. Plus, he's got Adidas slides and that's gotta count for something. Guess which one is the professional ping-pong player and which is the professional recording artist? RACISTS, ALL OF YOU!

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After:

WHAT'S MORE SUS, SISQO HAIR OR FLAGRANT BOWTIES?

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Episode 2: Lindsay & Dan

Before:

Evidently, this poor asshole's wife is a stylish "magazine maven". I don’t know if that means she has a job at a fashion magazine of if she’s just like me and has a lot of magazines with "Who Wore It Best?” headlines populating her bathroom. This dude is who you would find if you Googled "lame prep guy". Like, right now he's lecturing everyone on how poor people just really want to be poor.

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After:

She just said she loved the "interplay" of the colors in this here outfit. And homeboy was literally almost struck speechless, stammering "…the way you describe clothing is amazing." DAMN, YOU'RE WORKING HARD FOR THAT WEEKLY BLOWIE, MY DUDE. RESPECT.

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Episode 3: Jen & Mark

Before:

Shouts to my dude wearing a paint splattered crew neck under an oversized jacket. This look is v androgynous and perhaps v forward thinking. Dead at the rolled up jacket cuffs though LOL.

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After:

Two types of stripes (pink and purple) plus polka dots plus a tie bar plus Kenneth Cole Sunday specials equals exactly what T.J. wetdreams about to the maxx.

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Episode 4: Erin & Bob

Before:

This guy is a volunteer firefighter, his family lost all of their possessions TWICE and he's a dad. LAY OFF, LADY. THIS GUY'S BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH ALREADY. I also feel like this guy gets wildly intense at his kids' soccer games.

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After:

Look at just how happy you can be when you let your girlfriend talk shit about you on the Internet, while some so-called style expert makes you wear a jacket with piping.

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Episode 5: Larissa & Rafael

Before:

I don’t know where Hicksville, NY is, but I bet it's terrible.

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After:

WOW, SHE WAS NOT PLEASED WITH THIS BRICK OF AN ALPHET AT ALL, JESS ZAINO. She said, "It looks different," which every guy knows means, "NO SEX FOR AT LEAST A WEEK."

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Episode 6: Ai & Erik

Before:

Dude looks exactly like the bully in my elementary school. That kid ruled Claude Owen Elementary with a fucking iron fist. Give this guy a Uniqlo tee instead of a Kohl's clearance find and I’m probably not that mad at him.