Why #Menswear Is Ruining Your Sex Life

Image via Complex Original

You're Projecting Onto Well-Dressed Women

Look, just because she’s draped in Celine and when you go out to dinner she wears Rick Owens and it makes your heart and your penis feel funny, doesn’t mean she’s a good match for you. Showing just enough cleavage to make keeping eye contact difficult when wearing a Gitman Vintage oxford doesn’t mean she’s a good person, my dude. If you’re into clothing enough to be reading this list, you will definitely fall for a well-dressed socio-path. "I THOUGHT SHE WAS A GOOD GIRL. SHE HAD STELLA MCARTNEY RESORT 12 ON. WHO WOULD BREAK A MAN’S HEART IN SUCH A NICE OUTFIT?"

You're Broke As Fuck Because You Spend All Your Money On Clothes

This is probably pretty obvious, but the more money you spend on monotone Nike's and vicuna scarves, the less disposable income you will have to spend on things like dates. That’s just simple economics. And while there are probably girls who will find a first date at Popeyes charming and offbeat, they will not find a second, third and fourth date at your favorite fast food spots charming or offbeat. Instead, they’ll start to worry about your cholesterol levels and whether or not you are a complete fucking degenerate. But if you do get to a fourth date utilizing exclusively extra value meals, you may want to keep her. She’s obviously got a solid head on her shoulders.

Your Clothes Are Way Nicer Than Your Apartment

She’ll ask about that "cute" jacket with the plaid contrast panels and you’ll tell her nonchalantly that it’s by Junya Watanabe, which she may subsequently Google and realize that you regularly spend upwards of $1500 dollars on jackets. This would lead any sane person to assume that you make enough money to live in a nice apartment that is furnished with things like non-Ikea furniture and a legitimate headboard. WRONG. I know for a fact that most #menswear apartments look like a cross between Cold War-era Polish housing blocks and Jesse Pinkman’s living room. And, no, not having a bedframe isn’t "minimal". It’s depressing and, for a single woman, absolutely terrifying. While your gear may impress her, your hovel of an apartment will keep her and any of her girlfriends whose safety she cares about far, far away from you.

You Can't Contain Your Disdain For Her Taste Level, Or Lack Thereof

It’s time to go shopping and she wants to hit up the mall like a fucking peasant. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THESE SALES RACKS, BOO?" And when you get her that sick shirtdress from Engineered Garments FWK and she’s like, “Oh, I like it, I really do, but do you have the gift receipt? I really wanted a shirt from Michael Kors…” you will probably break up with an otherwise well-adjusted, independently successful young woman in an incredibly insensitive and shallow manner. NOT EVERY GIRL WILL DRESS IN NIKE X UNDERCOVER LIKE ADRIANNE HO, YOU IDIOTS. THEY LIKE LULULEMON AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT.

Your Internet Skills, While Unstoppable, Have Ruined Any Hope For IRL Social Skills

Remember when holding conversations with other human beings was basically second nature? Making eye contact didn’t make you feel weird and you’d actually tell jokes and laugh and tease your friends and shit? But now you just kind of smile awkwardly and nod your head and then wait until you’re on the train home to tease everyone and crack jokes via Twitter. YOUR MASTERY OF INTERNET MEMES AND COOL GUY VERNACULAR HAS RUINED YOUR REAL LIFE SOCIAL INTERACTIONS. Surprisingly, girls enjoy men who can make them laugh and feel at ease in social situations. I know, vaginas make girls weird. Who knew they don’t enjoy rolling up to the function, standing in a corner for 38 minutes while talking shit about the party with the people who "get it" on Twitter and then bouncing because it was hella corny?

Your #Menswear Anecdotes Suck

I’m pretty sure the only thing worse than talking about your blog or Tumblr is talking about your fucked up relationship with your parents. I mean, this shouldn’t really be that surprising. You pretty much tune out when she starts talking about how Michelle from accounts receivable was a total bitch on Wednesday—"She didn’t even say thank you when I brought in artisanal bagels for the whole office!"—so why would your girl be interested about that time you walked into Lincoln Center and Eugene Tong totally gave you daps on your Public School shirt in front of, like, THE WHOLE INTERNET? Or about your exhaustive knowledge of synthetic materials and their moisture wicking properties. And trust me, she does not want to hear, for the fifth time, about how nice of a guy Tommy Ton really is when she stumbles across a street style photo on Pinterest.

...You're Afraid Of Fucking Up Your Jawnz Way Too Much

The key to impressing women enough to convince them that seeing you naked is a good idea is to remain relaxed and unflappable on dates. That means handling unforeseen circumstances with grace and aplomb. Like, when the waiter dumps the rosé all over the table, you make a self-deprecating joke to deflect from the embarrassed waiter. She’ll think you’re sweet and hopefully a little funny. But that shit only works if you’re wearing some of your tier regular gear. If you’re rocking some rare Japanese finery, it’ll be next to impossible not to immediately jump on Yelp and eviscerate Kevin The Server’s good name in all caps expletives. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD ROSÉ IS TO GET OUT OF BORO CLOTH, KEVIN? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT BORO CLOTH IS, KEVIN? GO GET ME SOME MORE FUCKING ROSÉ, KEVIN."

You Spend More Time Learning About #Menswear Than You Do Her

Look, I get it. You’re all about that aesthetically driven life. You love modern architecture and ancient pottery. You love convincing everyone around you how deep and broad your knowledge base is. But what’s her favorite color? What does she think of Jil Sander leaving Jil Sander? No girl is gonna sex a dude, let alone love that, that can identify designer clothing on celebrities, but doesn’t know her birthday.

You're Impossible To Shop For

Say you do somehow convince a woman to spend enough much time with you that you both feel obligated to give each other gifts a few times a year to make up for how horrible you are to one another the rest of the time. You always get her some next level Scandinavian crap she doesn’t want, while she, on the other hand, gets you an "Ain’t Laurent Without Yves" tee. You can tell from the look on her face that she’s excited and thinks you’ll finally approve of one of her gifts. But what she doesn’t realize is that fashion parody T-shirts are wild lame now. Now you're upset and she's upset that you're upset and nobody i getting laid for a week.

You Actually Notice Other Dudes Before Women

I get it. You’re at the presentation, imbibing free sponsored cocktails, noshing on mini-gyros and all you can focus on is the fact that there’s another struggle blogger wearing the gray version of the tunic you’re wearing. EVERYONE’S GONNA NOTICE. Fuck, now you’re just focused on some other dude instead of noticing that there are actual living women at this party who may, for some unknown reason, find you attractive in some way, shape or form.

She Is Totally Weirded Out By Your Perceived Asian Fetish

You have several dozen magazines written in Japanese. You can recognize Japanese buyers and designers just by photos of their feet. You wait in line for "the best ramen outside of Osaka", you know more about BBQ pork buns than your friend’s actual Chinese grandma and you post screencaps from Wan Kar Wai movies every other day. You just can’t seem to understand why the art gallery chick just isn’t liking all your selfies and dropping you emjoi-laced DMs. NEWSFLASH: IT’S BECAUSE SHE THINKS YOU HAVE ASIAN FETISH. No, girls aren't into dudes with weird, ethnicity-based fetishes. That is a fact, Daniel-san.