The Complex Guide To Clothes White People Love

We don't discriminate here. We're all-inclusive. That's why put together The White Guy's Guide to Winter a while back. Of course, that got us thinking: aren't there summer staples for our Caucasian audience? And alternately, aren't there other people that might just want to fit in should they find themselves in a predominately white environment?

These are the things that keep us up at night. So, being the service-minded publication we are, we're throwing you another bone. Here is The Complex Guide To Clothes White People Love.

Hoodies have hooligan associations and sweaters can be uncomfortable in temperate weather. So between the two there's the cardigan. Invented by a white guy named James Brudennell, the 7th Earl of Cardigan, he wanted a layering piece that could be taken off and also be worn to future clam bakes and parent teacher meetings telling you that your kid "hasn't been the same since the divorce." L.L. Bean is a Caucasian staple and has its roots in New England, so you know it's real.

L.L. Bean Cotton Cashmere Cardigan
Buy It Now at L.L. Bean, $50

We all know white people love shorts. In fact, in the '20s, there were mad white people known as the "Men's Dress Reform Party" who made a political case out of their right to wear shorts. Crazy right? That's how important bare legs are to white folks. They need to get their sunshine on. You know what else they need to do? Carry shit. Boom. Enter the cargo short. Perfect for getting that Vitamin D on your shins, and ideal for stuffing pockets with loose change and Auntie Anne's Pretzels receipts... for when you're stunting at the mall.

Basic Solid Cargo Shorts
Buy It Now at Aeropostale, $20

When you hear about the "white man's burden," you might think about the Rudyard Kipling poem about imperialism that pre-dated the United States' obsession with "Manifest Destiny." And sure, you'd be right, nerd, but isn't it just as much a burden to wonder where to put your shades if you're not wearing them? Do you put them in your pocket? Do you hang them outside your shirt collar? Croakies solved this dilemma by turning your sunglasses into a necklace. For maximum street cred in a mostly white hood — rock them while holding a beer koozie.

Croakies Endless Cord
Buy It Now at Vargo, $6

For graduations, little sibling's piano recitals, church services, and anything else that has a dress code somewhere between a suit and casual clothes, the oxford shirt is a staple of white boy style. It's always in a light French blue, and it always has a buttondown collar. However, it doesn't always fit. 80% of the time, it looks like a sack. This is called a "classic fit," and anything tighter will get you made fun of in most flyover states.

American Living Oxford Shirt
Buy It Now at J.C. Penney, $30

Originally brought over by soldiers in WWII, khakis became a white boy staple on college campuses over the nation as the G.I. Bill took effect and sent plenty of young veterans to school. Now they've got super preppy connotations and pair well with the aforementioned oxford button down. The blue shirt and khaki pants are a classic white guy outfit. Oh, and for maximum white boy accuracy, go for pleats. The more, the better.

M2P Reverse Pleat Khakis
Buy It Now at Bill's Khakis, $125

A white boy staple, the fleece half-zip goes with anything. Especially cargo shorts and Tevas, a fashion combination so powerful that every Becky within 2 miles will want you as if you'd bathed in three cans of Axe body spray. Yeah, it's that serious. If you were to top it off with an accessory like a frayed baseball cap with a curved brim, Caucasia would implode upon itself.

Columbia Fast Trek II Half-Zip Fleece
Buy It Now at Columbia, $40

Sure, you copped a few Topsiders or Ronnie Fieg Sebago collabs in your time... but those are for show. You want real boat shoes? You ever want to set foot in a yacht and be taken seriously? Cop a pair of Billfish shoes. In the world of boating, siped soles are for lamestains. That's right, what these no-nonsense boat shoes lack in clean lines, they make up for in yacht cred. You want yacht cred, don't you?

Sperry Billfish
Buy It Now at Shoes.com, $102

Invented by Rene Lacoste, the polo shirt was the first branded menswear item. Once Ralph Lifshitz came up and became Ralph Lauren, his pony rode its way into popularity real quick. Before YOLO, there was Polo — and it stood for money. If you're ever thinking of joining a fraternity, or blending in at all with the bros at school, you're going to need a few polo shirts... in every color of the rainbow.

Polo Ralph Lauren Collegiate Knit Polo Shirt
Buy It Now at Dillard's, $85

Justin Timberlake's character said it best in The Social Network: "A million dollars isn't cool. You know what's cool? A billion dollars." The same goes for embroidered logos. One pony? One gator? Come on son, up your critter game! These critters can't be controlled on one shirt, it takes two legs to contain all this needlepoint. Oh, you like slip-on sneakers? Word, here's hundreds. Show 'em your kicks. Make the world jealous.

Lacoste Cotton Canvas Embroidered Sneaker Pants
Buy It Now at Zappos, $150

Life's a beach dude. School? That's a beach too. The New York City subway system? Totally, bruh. Why harsh your mellow with uncomfortable closed-toed shoes? Be free. Be easy. Teva your way into a higher plane of existence... and you'll be able to audibly listen to every step along the way.

Teva Mush II Flip-Flops
Buy It Now at Cabela's, $20

Don't get it twisted. These are not "red pants." Have you used "summer" as a verb yet? Have you been to all of the Hamptons? Have you gotten drunk off Budweiser and made out with a chick named Buffy on your friend's father's yacht somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard? Do you even have friends that refer to their dad as "father?" If you've met any of these conditions, and you've bought these specific pants from Murray's Toggery Shop, then yes, you have earned the right to say your pants are "Nantucket Red."

Nantucket Red Plain Front Pants
Buy It Now at Murray's Toggery Shop, $73

When Drake and his producer 40 are "on one," they come back to work smelling like a vacation. When the average white guy is "on one," he comes back to work looking like a vacation — that means a madras shirt. Appropriated from the country of India by Brooks Brothers, they pulled a total white man move by bringing it stateside and exotifying the shit out of it. The result is a preppy summer staple that has connotations of chilling by the beach sipping Corona with lime in order to feel mad "festive."

Coastal Patch Madras Shirt
Buy It Now at Orvis, $79