Image via Complex Original
Being a teenager is tough. But being a cool teen™? That's a struggle. What exactly is a cool teen™ you ask? As of the last couple years, as Instagram and Twitter swell in popularity, a small crop of SoHo-centric teens (among them, Mike the Ruler and Asspizza) have swarmed timelines with fit pics and the digital chronicles of their teenage antics. The difference between them and your garden variety cul-de-sac suburban adolescent? They're pulling pranks and waving their middle fingers—in closets filled with the likes of Rick Owens, Hood By Air, and Givenchy.
While these kids may have designer tastes, they're still teenagers; they still have to handle the issues that every other American adolescent has to stumble through. Unfortunately for them, all of their most awkward, most "teenager-y" moments aren't just at school, they're broadcast for all of the internet to see. This is Why Being a Cool Teen™ Isn't as Cool as You Think It Is.
When your parents relocate, so do you.
“DAMN YOU DAD, I HATE MOVING,” you scream at the top of the steps, down to your beleaguered father. “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A HASHTAG INFLUENCER OUT IN IOWA?”
Your father looks down at his feet, then up the stairs. As the light from your bedroom lights up your figure, you're adorned in a Dior 17cm black jeans, and a taupe Rick Owens T-shirt and deadstock designer sneakers. He realizes your outfit costs more than an entire month of his salary. As he shuffles off to the living room to put on a rerun of “Deal or No Deal,” his heart silently weeps.
When your parents move away from your major city™, you're stuck sitting in the UHaul van right next to them. Oh, you expected to drink espresso at La Colombe and roam Canal Street this summer? Well too bad. Your dad has to move for work, and your parents need to make a respectable salary if they're going to support your designer clothing habit.
“Rick Owens ate my homework” isn't a valid excuse.
No matter how many young pawns you're influencing with your SoHo Instagram exploits, it's a school night, and that report on Charles Dickens' extended works isn't going to write itself. Too bad you and your boys got caught up with recording your usual shenanigans for the Vine. Now there's no way you'll have time to finish your homework.
While it would be quite the story, we don't think your teacher will believe that Rick Owens and a pack of Ricardo Tisci's rottweilers conspired to eat your homework—especially because they'll have no idea who or what those things even are.
Your allowance isn't enough to satisfy your designer tastes.
If you were lucky, growing up, your parents probably tossed you a few dollars every week or month to, “teach you how to save money.” Sadly, no matter how many weeks you save, your $10 a week allowance isn't really going to work out to that Haider Ackermann sweatsuit you've had your eyes on. Sure you could go after the lauded “early birthday present” begging, but when your parents don't budge, you'll be stuck copping a tech fleece sweatsuit—that every other dude this side of Mercer Street has.
Your most awkward years are documented on the internet forever.
Ask anyone, that not-so-sweet spot between the tail end of middle school and the start of high school is home to some of your most awkward moments. You're finishing up on puberty, you're tastes are changing, and you're trying new things that you'll come to regret only a few years later.
So what if these years weren't just recorded on your personal Facebook, but widely documented for the world to see?
Sure you have impeccable taste in fashion designers, but there's a strong chance you're going to look back and groan at images of you in wearing that padlock necklace and oversized Jeremy Scott Moschino coat—while you're still growing into yourself. It's great that you're refining your taste with major-league designer names, but no matter what you're seen wearing in your teen years, everyone has regrets of how they looked at the end of Junior High School.
Things you thought were funny as a teenager aren't going to be funny when you're an adult and trying to find work.
You and your homies laughed so hard when you nicknamed yourself “PenisBagel,” and you built an Instagram with that as your username. While that shit was hilarious as you wrapped up tenth grade, by the time you started filling out college applications, you immediately began to regret giving yourself that nickname. Unfortunately, while you'd like to just live it down and move on with your life, the two tribute accounts to your citywide antics makes your "nom de guerre" anything but forgettable.
You're too young to attend all of the “cool brand parties” you earned with your influence.
Wow, your great taste and Instagram following have earned you a few invites to Lincoln Center for Fashion Week. But when you head to the after party, the bouncer has no clue who you are, and demands to see your ID. Considering you're 17, you're instantly turned away from the door. While you're reeling from the shock that the club's bouncer doesn't even have a Twitter account (wtf?), you placate yourself as you remember its a school night—you have to make curfew anyway.
You physically outgrow your designer-riddled wardrobe every few years.
The most awkward thing about puberty is that the body you have going in, isn't going to be the body you have going out. Whether you gain a foot and a half in height, or you widen out, the reality is that the clothes that you wore at the beginning of your teen years aren't going to fit, even as early as a couple years on. While most of us shrug this off as growing pains, it's really hard to stomach the fact that you're going to be effectively throwing away a closet full of designer clothes every few years, simply because you grew out of it.
