Image via Complex Original
What do you get for a 37 year-old multi-millionaire's birthday? Worse yet, what do you do when said birthday boy is Kanye West, he of the most rarefied taste in modern pop culture? Look at his face in that picture. He doesn't give a damn about something as basic and plebian as a birthday cake. Whether you're friend, family or guest hoping to join one of those circles, the pressure to do better than a new sweater is very real.
Fortunately, if you're attending the rarest event of the month, we've got you covered. We flexed our hack skillz and got our hands on Kanye's birthday wishlist, which he's been working on in an open text edit doc since...you guessed it, last June. Take a peep and try and finesse one or more of the 10 Gifts on Kanye West's Birthday Wish List.
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V. Stiviano's anti-paparazzi visor, with the matching family set
Everyone knows the paps are Kanye's major pet peeve. Usually Yeezus is the one setting trends, but even he has to dig V. Stiviano's next-level paparazzi-evasion mask, also known as a visor. Walking around with one of the Margiela face pieces from the tour just isn't feasible for the day-to-day; Ye needs a luxe visor family set that doesn't look like some shit landscapers use. If the paparazzi keep up their invasive ways, it might become the most commonly worm item in the Kardashian household.
The 2017 Aero-X hoverbike
During their first year of official dating Kim made headlines for blessing her new beau with a murdered out Aventador. How does she top that now, two years later after his lavish proposal and a straight up storybook wedding? Rappers love bragging about riding around in next year's car, Kim's gotta flex that Kardashian influence and take it a step further with Aerofex's hoverbike, slated for a 2017 debut. Just think of all the futuristic-level "Bound 2" kinky hijinks they could get into.
Steve Jobs' first turtleneck
Last year number one wifey Kim K stepped up her gift game immensely by arranging a sitdown with Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak complete with a pair of Apple mouses signed by both him and tha gawd Steve Jobs. We already suggested how she can step up his auto steez, but how does she possibly outdo this?
The answer lies with...Steve's trademark turtleneck. We don't know how Kanye's using those #rare mouse totems to stimulate his creative process, but the genius secrets SJ's first turtleneck holds within its fibers are untold.
New pants
"Have you ever asked your bitch for other bitches britches?"
A Beautiful Dark Twisted Dune themed birthday party
Anyone who had the privilege of experiencing the Yeezus tour knows Kanye is a big Jodorowksky fan. A Dune themed party celebrating the cult unreleased film in the most excessive fashion would probably make KW's inner child that he talks about so often come all the way out. Of course, by excessive we mean a to-scale replica of the Emperor's castle, and a strict dress code of costumes designed by the god Jean Giraud. All in or nothing at all, b.
Thirty white, uh, women
Champagne wishes. Mr. West is a married man now but, he never specified why he wants thirty white chicks. Who wouldn't? We're assuming now that the women he wants are of the utmost stylish set, and that he's just looking to populate the front row of his next fashion show with an aesthetic and taste-level that is only appropriate for the event.
The royalties from leather jogging pants
The only thing better than a formal apology would be cold, hard vindicating cash as proof that Kanye got this whole leather jogging pants wave poppin'. Everyone better get those royalties in order or you gon' see lawyers and n*ggas in Jordans.
A luxe ice cream bib
Ice cream, the magically delicious dairy compound that makes the very short list of Things That Make Yeezus Smile. Some dope bibs—custom crafted by Ricardo Tisci, of course—that Ye can tuck to guard his leather shirts means more ice cream cones eaten with impunity, which ultimately means a happier Yeezus. And happier Yeezus is good for everyone (see: Graduation).
Bonus: stylish bread plates with which to dine on French-ass croissants.
A friends and family discount on renting the Louvre for his next fashion show
Rest assured, doubters: the definitive Kanye menswear collection is coming. Someday. We think. He's had a couple fashion shows for his women's line, but after his very public outcries about the ceiling that's being placed on his design dreams, when he finally does get that line for dudes poppin' the debut's got to be next-fucking-level.
Ferragamo already finessed the Louvre runway show back in 2012, and as far as edifices on this planet go, there's probably no way to top that. (Pyramids would be way too dusty, fam.) The best Ye can do is match that, which would still be one helluva stunt. But is it in his budget? No shots, we know that Yeezus-Dash dynasty money is long like train smoke, but we're talking about the greatest museum in the world here. Anyone who can hook up the ill influencer discount would probably granted immediate access to the inner circle.
