The NFL's Worst Dressed Quarterbacks Right Now

Like shady money managers and agents, there seems to be a group of bungling stylists that prey on professional athletes. Post-game pressers and drafts have turned into exhibitions of fashion fuckery. The NBA is the most blatant offender, but the NFL has more than its fair share of dudes who certainly dress like their brains are bleeding from too many helmet-to-helmet hits. We've had enough, so with the season six weeks away, we're sacking the league's field generals like an unhinged Ndamukong Suh on Red Bull.

RELATED: 50 Worst Athlete Style Fails
RELATED: Worst Dressed NBA Players of the 2012-2013 Season

Team: Dallas Cowboys
Dresses like: A country club dad that drives a road bike, listens to Smash Mouth, and leaves a cheap ass tip for his caddy

When Tony Romo opens his closet, a tidal wave of Kangol hats and Starter gear floods the streets. Cars are overturned by the force of a 1000 golf cleats, children drown in a sea of Tommy Bahama camp shirts, and the air permeates with the smell of Old Spice body spray. Honestly, Yosemite Sam is a more stylish cowboy than this guy, and that dude has a lipstick red, four-foot moustache. SMH. We wonder how a dude that looks like this is able to land all of John Mayer's ex-girlfriends, then we read about his $108M contract and everything snaps into focus.

Team: Detroit Lions
Dresses like: A bro with a TJ Maxx black card

It’s a good thing Matthew Stafford cashed a $27M signing bonus, otherwise this guy would go broke buying Warped Tour tickets. You know the NFL has a major head injury problem when its millionaire athletes are rocking oversized TJ Maxx button-ups exclusively. The only thing working for the Lions quarterback is playing in Detroit, a city that takes its style cues from Gathering of the Juggalos and Kid Rock videos. By the standards of that browbeaten hellhole, Stafford is a prince.

Team: Miami Dolphins
Dresses like: A dude unbefitting of that ridiculously hot blonde on his arm

There’s a time and place for every look. When it comes to Ryan Tannehill, that time is 1999 and that place is the eighth grade dance. Not every athlete needs to care about his or her steez, but this guy is the face of a franchise in Miami and square toed shoes are unacceptable. Translation: he should have an aircraft carrier’s worth of Brunello Cucinelli suits and no fewer than three neck tats.

Team: San Francisco 49ers
Dresses like: A Saudi oil prince's weed carrier

Is this guy going to the ESPYs or working valet at LIV Nightclub? Having led the 49ers to the Super Bowl in a breakout season last year, Colin Kaepernik’s coke dream became a reality and now he’s going to lambaste the haters with ostentatious suit jackets for infinity. We blame Russell Westbrook for this kind of passive aggressive fashion fuckery. Started from the bottom, now you’re here. Every chick that passed on you in high school is riddled with regret. Your rental car matches your suit jacket. We get it.

Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Dresses like: A member of the St. Lunatics in 1998

For years, Michael Vick's kit was an orange jumpsuit and shackles. Now that he's out of the slammer and dressing on his own accord, it's clear that he'd be better off sticking with the standard issue prison uniform. There are worse accessories than handcuffs and leg irons will light the street style Tumblrs on fire this fall. You heard it here first.

Team: Dallas Cowboys
Dresses like: A guy who carries of flask of liquid GHB on his person

Kyle Orton grew up in Iowa and went to school at Purdue, so we should probably cut his complete lack of crispiness some slack. With that kind of up-bringing, his style icons were dropouts huffing gasoline in Altoona area Wal-Mart parking lots and graduate-level engineering students. Quite frankly, it’s a miracle that this guy doesn’t accessorize with a protractor or cider jug full of moonshine.

Team: New Orleans Saints
Dresses like: A corny dad trying to be cool

When it comes to formal attire, Express Men reserves a special spot on its clearance rack for Drew Brees. Dude shows up to the ESPYs every year looking like a hotel bartender on New Year’s Eve. If former defensive coordinator Greg Williams put a bounty on Eddie Bauer employees, the Saints quarterback would have nothing but Titleist Pro-V visor to wear to the golf course. SMH. It’s a good thing homeboy beats the D like a ninth grader on a sick day, otherwise he’d be a lost cause.

Team: Chicago Bears
Dresses like: A beaten man who has unequivocally given up on life

Jay Cutler hates that he's good at football. He wishes he could just be a shift manager at Outback Steakhouse, but he can chuck a pigskin 70 mph through double coverage so he's tortured by a career in the NFL. When you consider his pained existence, Cutler's reasons for dressing like a deranged lunatic on bath salts become crystal clear. He'll get sacked 40 times this season and go home to the hottest girl from Laguna Beach, so what's the point of trying?

Team: New England Patriots
Dresses like: Privileged teenager x Austrian tourist

Because he has a fistful of rings, a $30M contract, and goes home to Gisele Bundchen, Tom Brady's confidence has reached an almost irresponsible tipping point. At this rate, dude's six months away from walking his kids to the park in nothing but Richard Simmons-style dolphin shorts and his shoulder-length hair in cornrows. He also cosigns Uggs, which is strange because the Patriots quarterback doesn't need to endorse anything besides bubble screens. Like, Tony Siragusa hawks adult diapers because he lost his fortune mainlining pie filling. But between Tom and Gisele, the Brady family pulls more bread than the Pillsbury Doughboy on a dry spell, so endorsing the walk of shame's official footwear has to be a passion project.

Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Dresses like: Someone who has been twice accused of rape

Ben Roethlisberger dresses like the lowest rated private investigator on Angie's List. This dude is a cross between Detective Sipowicz and Triple H, only with a more pervasive glandular problem. We can't tell if this is a 2x Super Bowl champion or Shrek after doing three years in Rikers Island for lifting copper wire. We’d continue ripping this clown, but he rolls with Brett Kiesel and that freak could rip every 145-pound chain-smoking writer at Complex into 1000 pieces. So we’re going to let this one sit, for now.