Image via Complex Original
Owning a car is a lot like having a girlfriend (there's a reason we name our rides with girls names). Please note, however, we're talking about owning a car, not renting a car (prostitute), borrowing a car (swinging), or test driving a car (one-night stand). We're talking about riding the same car, day in, day out. Come to think of it, that makes us, who are often getting to professionally play with press cars we'd have no chance of even touching for the amusement of the general public, the porn stars of the automotive industry.
Regardless of who is and is not an automotive porn equivalent, we think it would be good for you to see the 10 Ways in Which Owning a Car is Like Having a Girlfriend.
You need to put some money into her (and you should know how much before you commit).
We all know that both a girlfriend and a car come with certain financial obligations; dates and the occasional gifts are for the girl and gas, oil, and general maintenance for the car, but surprisingly few people stop to think about how much either will cost before committing.
The cute girl from Philosophy 101 in college who just wants to hang out on campus and go home and watch a movie is like a Honda Fit; you're not going to have to put a lot of money in to keep everything in working order. On the other hand, that girl you met at the bar after her fifth $14.50 frozen strawberry passionfruit daiquiri is more like a Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution; it might be a ton of fun, but if you don't get that oil changed every other time you blink, the whole thing might just blow up in your face.
Your taste will vary through different stages of your life.
When you're in your twenties, you most likely want the girl who is an absolute freak behind closed (elevator) doors. You want exhilaration and some crazy memories that will make you snicker every time you think of them. This girl is an Ariel Atom 500, nothing but fun, all the time ... unless it's raining, or there's a speed limit, or you can't afford more tires.
Once you hit middle age, you'll still be wanting to have some fun, but not at the expense of the crap that you actually need to get done, and you aren't willing to risk your life for it. This woman is a Mercedes-Benz E63 AMG Wagon, the ultimate family man's sporting car.
An old guy just wants comfort and dependability. This woman is a Bentley Mulsanne.
You can get a rough idea of how she'll age.
If you're buying a new car, you can always look at the reliability records of its predecessors to see how you can expect it to age. Subaru likes to brag that 95 percent of Subarus made are still on the road, so that Impreza is probably a good bet. On the other hand, if you decide to go out and buy a Land Rover, you know it's going to be costing you as soon as that warranty runs out.
Likewise, if your girl's mom looks like she was 3rd place in a beauty contest in which 1st and 2nd were taken by Gary Busey and Jabba the Hutt, you should walk away before it all goes to hell.
You really don't want to let your friends take her for a ride.
You know you don't trust your friends with your ride. They're all ham-fisted idiots who don't respect and love her like you do. Likewise, you really don't want to leave them in a locked bedroom with your girl, for obvious reasons (you know you have a nicer gal and a nicer car than everybody else).
If you really like her, you'll probably want to accessorize.
Face it, those nice BBS wheels and custom seats you've been eyeing are basically just lingerie for your car. You want to see your car and your girl dressed up in a way that pleases you, and you're willing to lay down some cash to make it happen.
You want to punch your friends for treating her like crap.
If you leave your trash in the back seat of my car, I will mail you my feces. Likewise, if you continue to insult my girl, I'll personally deliver said feces in the shape of a pie and launch it into your face like the world's most disgusting Nickelodeon special.
It's that simple.
No matter how much you like yours, your eyes will still wander.
Regarding your car, you might be rolling in a Subaru BRZ that suits you perfectly. It's always fun, it never causes you problems, you like the way it looks, and you really do think you'll keep it forever sometimes, but that doesn't mean you don't do a double take every time you see a Lamborghini Aventador on a magazine cover at the check out aisle.
Regarding your girl, you might be dating a woman that suits you perfectly. She's always fun, she never causes you problems, you like the way she looks, and you really do think you'll stay with her forever, but that doesn't mean you don't do a double take every time you see Kate Upton on a magazine cover at the check out aisle.
You never know what problems you'll face.
Regarding your car, it might be beautiful on the lot, and your favorite mechanic might tell you it runs great, but a year later you're standing on the side of I-40 in New Mexico with no cell reception and nothing for miles, because your car decided that it was the perfect time to send the transmission to its final resting place.
Regarding your girl, she might be beautiful sitting on a park bench, and your friends might say that they've heard nothing but good things about her, but a year later you're standing on the side of I-40 in New Mexico with no cell reception and nothing for miles, because she suddenly decided that you were cheating on her with your best gal friend and forced you out of the car at knife point.
You'll feel strongly (one way or the other).
Some days you'll be going for an awesome ride and be absolutely in love. Other days, when you're getting nothing but hissing and a lot of hot steam, you'd be happy to just get the hell out of there and never look back.
Seriously, there are times that you might be temped to find that guy with the billboards who promises you $500, no questions asked.
Even when you know it's time to say goodbye, it will still hurt.
The last year may have been nothing but irritation, fiscal pain, abandonment, and constant attempts to patch things up, but when it comes time to say goodbye for the last time, it will still hurt. The exception is, of course, if you found yourself standing on the side of I-40 in New Mexico with no cell reception and nothing for miles but scrub to help you. If something that bad went down, you just want to get rid of that jalopy/psycho and get on with your life ... assuming you survive the desert.
