The Most Ridiculous Athlete Bios on Twitter

From Cristiano Ronaldo to Darnell Dockett, these athletes have some crazy Twitter bios.

Jul 30, 2014
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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

Your Twitter bio is arguably your most important personal syntax on the Internet. If an employer, relative, or future Tinder match is Googling your name, that Twitter page and its 140 character bio is front and center. Writing a killer bio is the ultimate test of brevity and impact. Some Twitter users, including a handful of athletes, get creative. Others put so little thought into their personalized bios that it's laughably embarrassing. From Darnell Dockett outlining what drugs he doesn't do to Cristiano Ronaldo's nonsensical legalese acting as a bio, these are The Most Ridiculous Athlete Bios on Twitter. 

 

12. JaVale McGee

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Sport: Basketball

Handle: @JaValeMcGee34

Bio: Pierre=Alter Ego 7th year in NBA for the NEW Denver THuggets Innovator of the self RT and of the finger stache! #JUGLIFE SnapChat:PIERREPIERRE34

Any NBA player who claims to play for the “THuggets” and has Snapchat is a friend of Complex. All he needs to do is tweet about Kanye and we'll probably have to give him a cover story.

11. Cristiano Ronaldo

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Sport: Soccer
Handle: @Cristiano
Bio: This Privacy Policy addresses the collection and use of personal information - http://www.cristianoronaldo.com/terms

Do tell more.

10. Amar'e Stoudemire

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Sport: Basketball
Handle: @amareisreal
Bio: Official page of New York Knicks Amar'e Stoudemire - Pro Basketball Player, Actor, Author, Producer, & Philanthropist.

Is Amar'e Stoudemire really any of the things he says he is in his bio?

9. Chad Johnson

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Sport: Football
Handle: @ochocinco
Bio: Famous for grammatical corrections, football, fashion, GHOSTS/FIFA. Solving world problems with love for all women. Employed by @CBSSports & @MTLAlouettes

“Solving world problems with love for all women” is a bit ironic for Chad Johnson, right?

8. Shaquille O'Neal

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Sport: Basketball
Handle: @SHAQ
Bio: VERY QUOTATIOUS, I PERFORM RANDOM ACTS OF SHAQNESS

A Shaq-tastic Twitter bio from the Big Diesel.

7. Kevin Durant

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Sport: Basketball
Handle: @KDTrey5
Bio: IM ME, I DO ME, AND I CHILL

If Kevin Durant's “chill” can create a 27.4 PPG career NBA scorer, then I'm not maximizing my own personal chill time.

6. TJ Lang

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Sport: Football
Handle: @TJLang70
Bio: Frequent beer league softball substitute.

At least this 318 lb offensive lineman is honest about is offseason activities.

5. Blake Griffin

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Sport: Basketball
Handle: @blakegriffin32
Bio: I sold 2 Chainz his second chain

Cute one-liner, Blake.

4. Jay Bilas

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Sport: Basketball
Handle: @JayBilas
Bio: ESPN Analyst, attorney Moore and Van Allen, PLLC. President, Hair Club for Men. All opinions expressed here are mine, and should be adopted by you immediately.

The kids may know Jay Bilas as that Dukie on ESPN who loves to quote Young Jeezy, but for real, he was a practicing trial lawyer for nine years. The Twitter bio don't lie.

3. Tyrann Mathieu

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Sport: Football
Handle: @Mathieu_Era
Bio: Dont take people to serious, they're either jealous or cool

This one was harder to decipher thanks to questionable grammar and a mixed message. But, life lesson from Tyrann Mathieu: Don't listen to your haters and your lovers.

2. Chris Bosh

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Sport: Basketball
Handle: @chrisbosh
Bio: The coolest dude alive

Chris Bosh continues his job as the NBA's No. 1 troll.

1. Darnell Dockett

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Sport: Football
Handle: @DDockett
Bio: Ex criminal who turned nothing to something. FSU & AZ cardinals is my squad, and #90 is who I be. I don't not free base cocaine. Crime pays!

It's surprising that Roger Goodell hasn't suspended Dockett for 8-10 games for his bio alone.

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