Image via Complex Original
Soccer is a game full of beauty. Wonder goals, slick passing, miraculous saves, mesmerizing dribbles and skill moves—poetry in motion if there was in sport. Not all players, however, approach the game with such care and respect. For many, rough pragmatism and sheer debauchery rule. Simply getting the job done takes precedence over aesthetics, which is an admirable take on sport—until someone gets hurt of course.
The game has its fair share of dirt bags, and what better way to point 'em out than to construct a starting XI out of them. With Diego Costa leading the line, Lee Cattermole grinding in midfield, and Pepe patrolling the back, this XI would lead the league in cards, but also never concede an inch of pitch easily. See who else joined the 4-4-2 in The Dirty XI: A Starting Squad of the Dirtiest Players in Soccer Today.
Goalkeeper: Volkan Demirel
Years active: 2000-Present
Current club: Fenerbahçe
Dirtiest moment
Goalkeepers aren't known for mean streaks or vengeful play. They're not outfield players, so unlike a midfielder or a defender who'll have a dozen opportunities a match to pull some wicked shit on a poor dribbler, keepers live a relatively tame existence. Volkan Demirel, however, goes hard. He's charged up, and for every minute that passes where he's stuck in the penalty area watching his teammates get all the action, he's scheming some shit.
Case in point: the time he kicked Galatasaray midfielder Cassio Lincoln in the nuts at the end of a Turkish Cup match. Demirel had probably been plotting on that all half.
Defender: Pepe
Years active: 2001-Present
Current club: Real Madrid
Dirtiest moment
Pepe is the most mentally unstable defender in international soccer. He's like the drunk guy outside of a bar who keeps giving the bouncer a hard time. Every 30 minutes, he steps outside for his cigarette, and just because he's a shithead, he keeps heckling the stoic guard. Eventually, he takes a cheap shot and expects to not get his ass beat. Yeah, okay Pepe.
That's exactly what happened when Barcelona's Sergio Busquets stamped on Pepe's head last weekend in what's been like the billionth El Clasico between the two. This may be a cynical reading of the situation, but Pepe—the dirtiest defender in La Liga—simply got what's been coming to him.
Defender: Ryan Shawcross
Years active: 2006-Present
Current club: Stoke City
Dirtiest moment
*pours one out for Aaron Ramsey* Ryan Shawcross is Mr. Stoke City. He's massive, pale, has his head shaved like a marine, and views tackling as a violent spectacle rather than a proper art. Stoke City are loathed around the world for their distinguished anti-football style of play—brutalism and physicality are valued over things like passing and more passing. As their captain, Shawcross embodies everything that's awful about Stoke City football.
Defender: Martin Skrtel
Years active: 2001-Present
Current club: Liverpool
Dirtiest moment
Martin Skrtel has no idea how to defend a set piece—legally, that is. When there are a 14 or 16 men in the box, it's impossible for the referee and the linesman to watch every single player down there. Defenders will try and get away with every shirt tug, armbar, and kick in the back that they can. All of those would constitute a foul and a penalty, so defenders usually try and minimize that. Eventually though, they will get caught.
Skrtel, however, gives no shits about the laws of the game or the possibility of being spotted holding his man in a full nelson. He got away with it for years too. In February 2014 against Swansea though, referee Mike Jones spotted Skrtel being Skrtel on Wilfried Bony, and awarded Swansea the penalty. About damned time. There's nothing malicious about what Skrtel does—he's not Pepe or Shawcross out there—but his consistent disregard for quality man-marking is a different type of dirty, and one that's just as bad.
Defender: Sergio Ramos
Years active: 2003-Present
Current club: Real Madrid
Dirtiest moment
The La Liga all-time leader in red cards just had to make this XI. In his decade-plus in La Liga, Ramos has racked up 19 red cards and 106 yellows—an outstanding record of misbehavior. Ramos has a fine streak of bitchiness and ill-timed tackles that tackles out of frustration and lack of focus, which also makes him one of the game's softest players. He's never up for a crunching challenge, but he'll always be good for a cynical one-sided foul. Ramos's temperament alone makes him one of the dirtiest defenders today.
Midfielder: Joey Barton
Years active: 2002-Present
Current club: Marseille
Dirtiest moment
Joey Barton is the most individualistic player on this list—he's outspoken, passionate, and has been a friend of the Hillsborough Justice Campaign over the years. Unfortunately, he's also thug on the pitch and a mean-spirited drunk off of it. Just a few of his transgressions over the years: he stubbed a lit cigar in a teammates eye at a Christmas party, ran over a pedestrian with his car, punched out men outside of bars, beaten up Thai Everton fans, stamped on an injured player's groin, and once fought all of Manchester City. His record speaks for itself.
Midfielder: Nigel de Jong
Years active: 2002-Present
Current club: A.C. Milan
Dirtiest moment
May his karate kick to Xabi Alonso's chest live on in infamy, and in spectacular GIF form. De Jong's one of the hardest-nosed midfielders across Europe, and has no qualms about fouling his man before letting him attempt to dribble by. "The Terrier" mixes in great moments of legitimate holding midfield play (Manchester City and A.C. Milan haven't signed him just because he's an out-of-control ruthless animal, which granted, he is at some times) with streaks of reckless challenges.
Midfielder: Lee Cattermole
Years active: 2005-Present
Current club: Sunderland
Dirtiest moment
In his Premiership career, Lee Cattermole's been sent off eight times, and has 59 yellow cards to his name. He only stands about 5'8", but Cattermole imposes himself in every match, even if his aggression comes at the cost of his team. Last November, when he was sent off for that 8th time, Sunderland manager Gus Poyet lost his patience with Cattermole's reckless style: "When someone does something really, really stupid and it's repetitive, he doesn't have a chance with me. They need to be professional."
Translation: "I'm tired of his shit."
Midfielder: Lorik Cana
Years active: 2002-Present
Current club: Lazio
Dirtiest moment
A quick YouTube search brings up Lork Cana compilation videos featuring these fine titles: "the fighter," "the beast," "the warrior," and "fight." Get a sense of who Cana is now? The man enjoys a foul over a tackle, making him one of Europe's ultimate "I hate him if he's on the other team but I love him if he's playing with me" footballers. Cana on the pitch is 90 minutes of chaos and destruction—useful qualities for any defending side, but painful ones for opponents.
Forward: Luis Suarez
Years active: 2005-Present
Current club: Liverpool
Dirtiest moment
We've gone into great detail chronicling all of Luis Suarez's worst behavior, but a quick recap: two separate biting incidents, a racism row, a handful of tasteless dives, and a penchant for making a meal out of the slightest of knocks. He's a menacing nightmare—a vermin, actually—to all defenders preventing him from running in on goal. Suarez's burning desire to win by any means distorts his judgement to fallible extremes, making him a genius and a degenerate all at once.
Forward: Diego Costa
Years active: 2006-Present
Current club: Atletico Madrid
Dirtiest moment
Diego Costa is a bully. His NBA equivalent is Kevin Garnett in every sense-both relentlessly talk trash all game, pull all the little tricks and nudges to get under their opponent's skin, and gleefully take advantage when their psychological warfare creates a moment of weakness for their opposite number. In the absence of any major Luis Suarez scandals this season (maybe, just maybe he'll finish the season without biting someone or saying something discriminatory for once), Costa is new King Fuccboi of Forwards.
He's an annoyance and a threat at the same time, making him just as volatile as Suarez in his sicko prime. And Costa's not without his headline-making dark moments either—he's headbutted both Sergio Ramos and Javi Lopez without remorse before.