The 20 Biggest Jackasses in Sports Today

Sometimes it's tough to root for a team when one of their biggest stars is a butthole. It's especially hard when it's your own team, and provides a reason why you should root for laundry over attempting to empathize with these millionaires. Many athletes don't seem to have ever contemplated what life inside a cubicle would be like. Yet others try to make it seem like the life of a pro is a curse. "You don't know what it's like to be me." "You don't know what it's like to play." We concur that it's obnoxious to deal with talk radio and trolling fans. But the payoff is worth it.

Millions of dollars. Plethoras of babes. And the idolization of grown men who still need to look up to others even though they're grown men! Sounds like fuckin' torture. Those are not the types of guys who made our list. No we reserved these spots for the truly obnoxious.

Guys like the talented and crazy Luis Suarez made the list, as well as execs like NFL commish Roger Goodell and Marlins owner Jeffery Loria. If you're favorite didn't make this list, don't worry, he'll get another shot in the years to come. These are The 20 Biggest Jackasses in Sports Today.

RELATED: The 25 Biggest Badasses in Sports Today

Sport: Football

Some people make mistakes, and more frequently those mistakes are getting videotaped. Riley Cooper got caught doing just that, and said something that this white writer is too much of a pussy to even quote (people misinterpret after all). The guy had to go to a sensitivity training class to satistfy a public who doesn't realize how frequently it buys into PR strategies. Then he has to suffer the embarrassment and, worst of all, be named to our list. In his first game on Monday Night at FedEx Field, he was booed every time he caught the ball because fans of the Washington Redskins have zero tolerance for racial slurs. It's called public shaming and it's never enough for people who write far worse from the comfort of an anonymous YouTube account.

Sport: Baseball

Certain crimes you simply take the heat for. If you're going 20 MPH over the speed limit, you should get a ticket and accept it. That's how we feel about steroids. You took the risk because you're not good enough to play without them, and you got caught. There's an appeals process, and that's fair game, but accept the fact that you're a cheating turd, because somewhere, deep down, you know it's true. Melky Cabrera was popped in 2012 in a precursor to the Biogenesis PED scandal. At the time, Cabrera was fulfilling an apparent requirement that whomever plays LF for the San Francisco Giants has to be riding bikes.

But one of Melky's "associates" (whatever that means) established a phony website for 10 grand in order to give Cabrera grounds for an appeal. Within, like, five minutes the MLB figured it out and traced it back to Cabrera. Melky's All-Star season was derailed (after he won the game's MVP), his chance at a batting title was eradicated, and his team won the World Series without him.

Then in the off-season Melky got a two-year/16 million dollar contract from the Toronto Blue Jays. It was far less than he was expected to get in the midst of his 2012 contract season, but still far more than anybody you know will ever make. Karma is a bitch? No, not at all.

Sport: Baseball

If there's been one constant through the eras of baseball it's this group of collective chodes that withhold baseball's highest honor over personal grievances and petty grudges. These guys missed the boat entirely in the midst of the steroid era. Those who prided themselves on catching small nuances (like a third baseman playing a few inches closer to guard against a bunt) couldn't figure out how Sammy Sosa bulked up 25 lbs. over the winter. Eventually people with functioning eyes did their jobs for them. Now their response is to punish the entire era in a vendetta against their own obliviousness (Let's see if they do the right thing and put Frank Thomas in the Hall next year). These writers are, and have been for a long time, an embarrassment to the sport. It's like AP writers keeping Alabama, not only out of the top spot, but out of the Top 10 because they don't like Nick Saban for something they didn't report.

Sport: Hockey

We didn't struggle long to figure out who's the biggest jerk (who's actually on the ice) in the NHL. Don't let his adorable picture fool you, Raffi Torres is deserving of a "jackass" title. He's like Dennis the Menace if he cracked Mr. Wilson's skull in with an unprovoked slash. He blindsides, injures, and does this. Hockey is insane (and entertaining) because people do things during the game that would get a normal man on the street processed for assault. About the only thing we respect Torres for is taking advantage of this legal loophole.

Sport: All of them

As a person who writes about sports it can be tempting to say outlandish things to get publicity. Screen (and page) views are still views, and advertisers don't discriminate. You can do it, but you'll be the doofus who'll attach his name to anything for a buck (granted, in Skip's case it's a lot of bucks).

Skip has a habit of taking every contrarian position just to troll the viewing public. Any stupid credibility blowing position ESPN has taken (like, Tim Tebow is good) in recent memory, Bayless appears to have supported. Therefore, we hold Skip up as our symbol of ESPN jumping the shark (because Jay Mariotti got fired a while back). Thankfully that one time Jalen Rose fed him some crow on national TV and for a moment, however brief, Skip was humbled.

Sport: Hockey

You'd think that the duty of a commissioner would be to keep the game on the ice (or field, or court) for the fans. But the NHL just wrapped another strike-shortened season for the third time in Bettman's tenure. It makes you forget that Bettman was promoted to commish to end the NHL's labor problems. The only time he gets a reprieve from being booed is between the Stanley Cup presentation to the start of the following preseason. Unfortunately for Bettman, that's only about three weeks.

Sport: College sports

It's already been well established that the NCAA is a big money grab with the actual players getting the short end of the stick (though we'd love to find out that Jay Bilas exploits the labor of unpaid interns). For now we'll ignore this, since nobody has come up with a decent solution to the problem that won't completely destroy college sports.

The reason Emmert (and the NCAA Executive Committee) land on this list is because of their blindfolded dart throwing punishments. Terrelle Pryor and three other Ohio St. players get four-game suspensions for selling pants (that were theirs) for tattoos. That's what his suspension was for. Upon further examination it was alleged that Pryor drove up to eight cars in three years at The Ohio St. Also he had a Johnny Heisman-like autograph session.

Dez Bryant gets a nine-game suspension, as a senior, for failing to disclose the details of a meeting he had with Deion Sanders. Johnny Manziel gets a half (against a terrible Rice team) for signing autographs for a few grand. As of right now we have no idea what the punishment will be for a surging Miami squad because judgments are so inconsistent that they appear to be completely random.

It all starts with Emmert. When the NCAA eventually collapses and four major conferences are established because he sucks at his job then he's really going to look like a jackass.

Sport: Football

It's a pretty sad state of affairs when Bud Selig is the best commissioner in American sports. How does that happen? Guys like Goodell (pictured above, probably arguing why kickoffs need to be banned while favoring an 18-game schedule) kiss enough butt to get into power. This guy sweats sleaze. How else can you describe someone who toes the line between battling concussions and profiting off of them?

Every decent hit gets flagged now, but when you watch ads on CBS/Fox/ESPN, how many snot-bubbling, brain-jarring shots do you see? Just like Bud Selig's handling of steroids, Goodell didn't care about head injuries until he was forced to. The difference is foot-dragger Bud (eventually) made a positive impact, while Goodell just continues to ruin the game. That's why one's on here while the other isn't.

Sport: Football

Suh is a throwback to a grittier period that was funnier to watch but resulted in way too many unnecessary injuries. In an era of litigation that's a problem and the NFL has scapegoated him as a poster child for dirty play. Confidentially, I'm a Suh fan, but then again I've never gotten my knees taken out by him 25 yards behind his teammate who's about to enter the endzone or been deliberatley been kicked in the nuts with the force of two tons.

Sport: Basketball

Bynum's spot on this list is less about this and more about this. We can even forgive his attempted murder of J.J. Barea. But, Bynum has become the face of a whiny, spoiled entitlment that makes you question (however briefly) why you waste your money to watch other dudes play a game. He also had a playmate on his shoulders while rehabbing his knee and didn't take part in Mike Brown huddles. Eventually the Lakers had enough of his shit (which is saying something) and shipped his butt to Philadelphia where he made $16.1M to sit on the bench with bad knees. This summer he signed with the Cavs in a town that is used to continuous disappointment. Oh, and he has no timetable for a return and will miss training camp. Good times.

Sport: Baseball

His spot on this list was pretty much guaranteed. After all, it's impossible to think about how selfishness is killing America's pastime without thinking of Stei-rod (eh, that'll work). Alex never seems to understand the public perception. Can you think of anybody, just one person, who supports Rodriguez in his quest to pump his body full of moose testosterone? We had hoped that A-Rod (as much of a jerkoff as he was even without the steroids) would best the records of cheaters with top-spots. But in retrospect it was obvious that A...uh, Roid was guilty of the same BS.

This is a dude who put on 25 lbs. from his sophomore to junior years of high school. The question really is: Has he ever done one freakin' thing on the diamond without the help of PEDs? We'd love to know, but besides Alex who really knows the truth? And if you ask him he'll look you right in the eye, with all the emotion of Ted Bundy and say "No...I've never done PEDs. I don't know what you're talking about."

Sport: Basketball

He's a diva. A whiner. A complainer. An attention hog. And a coach killer. The most terrified person at the Rockets signing had to be Kevin McHale. Dwight has always parlayed blame but like a kid who's always in the wrong place at the wrong time, everyone finally realized it's him, not everybody else. Dwight's also a poster child for whining about hacks. No doubt teams get physical with D12 under the boards. That's the only way to stop a post-monster with bolders for shoulders. But damn, we envision a day where a guy takes a strike on the outside corner and doesn't complain.

A man scores a touchdown and hands the ref the ball without a flamboyent, well-rehearsed dance. And a dude gets fouled and runs back on defense instead of working the refs. Dwight is a visibile figure for a monumental whining problem in the NBA. Don't mess with him on Twitter though.

Sport: Soccer

Luis Suarez is one of soccer's most polarizing figures. His amazing play and vile acts on the pitch have given him a number of headlines over the years. Unfortunately, fuckery like biting other players on multiple occasions, fighting teammates, diving, and acts of racism have overshadowed his accomlishments. Biting anywhere other than the comfort of your own bedroom or local BDSM dungeon? That's a jackass move, fam.

Sport: Basketball

Technically Mike Rice, Jr. is no longer in sports. The former coach of the Rutgers basketball team was such a jackass that public outcry threw him into forced retirement. His unhinged behavior showed him hucking balls at players' heads, pushing them, kicking them, etc. It sparked a national outcry and a unification that Mike Rice, Jr. is indeed, a jackass.

Sport: Baseball

There are a lot of bad owners in sports and in all honesty we probably could've filled this entire list with 25 of them. However, it's hard to argue that there's a worse owner than Loria. Marlins fans would tell you, except that there aren't any.

Loria got his start with the Montreal Expos. His first order of business? To demand that taxpayers fund a new stadium (a pro sports staple). He then failed to secure rights for english-speaking broadcasts, which meant if you liked baseball in the Montreal area, you'd better learn to speak French. He then sold the club for a 1000% percent profit to the MLB, who relocated it to Washington D.C. On his way out, Loria ransacked the Montreal franchise of, not only their front office people, but of their office and computer equipment as well.

Then it was onto sinking another franchise, this time in Miami. In Loria's first year in South Beach, he lucked into a championship. Don't be confused and think he had anything to do with it. His biggest contribution was designing the ostentatious ring. In Dade County, he got his wish and suckered the city of Miami (i.e. the taxpayers) into funding a stadium for him to produce a profit. After one disappointing season, Loria traded most of his good players to Toronto (maybe paying back Canada?) and closer Heath Bell to Arizona, thereby freeing up the payroll for...himself.

In addition to all of that, Loria is an art dealer (an art dealer!) who circumvents/castrates his baseball people in order to meddle in baseball affairs. Oh, and the hitting coach he personally picked resigned after it came to light he was assaulting players.

Sport: Baseball

It's one thing to look into the face of the American public and lie with the cunning and calculation of a cold-hearted psychopath. But when Braun got caught again, he cost a guy in middle management his fucking job because he was too much of a coward to admit he can't play baseball without chemical enhancement. Then he even took it a step further by rallying support from his fellow players (including Matt Kemp, whom he stole the 2011 MVP from), by saying the sample collecter, Dino Laurenzi Jr., was an anti-semite, oh, and for good measure also a Cubs fan. Braun used fellow players to do his dirty work and asked them to put their names on the line for him even though he knew he was lying.

Actually, it wasn't just MLB players, it was the biggest star in the NFL too. Braun made good buddy/business partner in Aaron Rodgers look like a jackass (though not quite worthy of the list) in defense of his guilt. Rodgers took to Twitter, to defend his pal, in a tweet with two hashtags that look even more ridiculous in retrospect. In the process he bet his salary in a (we assume) non-binding agreement. We don't know what Braun's next step is, but one thing's for sure: When he speaks of it, it'll sound like he was coached for months by a PR firm.

Sport: Cycling

For his entire career Lance Armstrong denied doping. When anyone revealed him they were hit with litigation and their character was tarnished. How could you challenge somebody who so publicly survived cancer? He had everyone fooled from Sheryl Crow to whomever decided to put him in Dodgeball. This public denial lasted through three different decades. In 2013, he finally came "clean" to Oprah in a two-part interview that was dull as shit except that Armstrong matter-of-factly stated how he'd screwed people over and used his legal action to railroad careers. He did it with all the emotion of the BTK killer describing his crimes in court.

You know how there are sports movies where the villain is portrayed as this great hero (think Big Ern McCracken in Kingpin, Bud Kilmer in Varsity Blues, or Mick McCalister, the pretty boy rival in Teen Wolf) that fool the public but deep down their just slimeballs? Lance Armstrong is that in real-life. The difference is, Armstrong finally got caught.

Sport: Football

There's usually a point in life where things start to click. It could be when you wreck your dad's car on a joyride. It could be after your first 'F' on a college exam. Maybe it's when your lights went out because you forgot to pay the electrical bill. These are wake-up calls. So you'd think somebody would learn after making it rain in a strip club which led to his entourage paralyzing an innocent man, and the subsequent legal bills and negative media attention. Most would think "Shit, my life has gotten out of control." But for a scant few the hint isn't taken, which leads us to a question: How could somebody with such an adorable nickname be such a piece of crap? When you have to miss a year in what should be your NFL prime and are stuck playing Pros vs. Joes it's time to reassess.

Why are we bringing up an incident from six-and-a-half years ago when we're talking about jackasses now? Because his rap sheet is still being built upon—as recently as last week. If you find yourself with the same sort of consistent legal problems as Jones, and wonder why you can't get a job, the answer is simple: You don't run a 4.42.

Sport: Boxing

It's not only that he's a miserable trash-talker as he demonstrated by calling opponent Gavin Rees "Cabbage." But Broner gets on here for making it rain at a strip club (a jackass staple) then publicly eating a stripper's box. Damn bro, save some of that money to buy prescriptions from that cornucopia of STDs you just invited into your mouth. He also thought it was cute to literally flush money down the toilet (uh, isn't that, like, illegal or something?). And he talks more smack than Muhammad Alii. The only thing is, Broner hasn't beat anybody worth mentioning. All examples are excellent ways to endear yourself to the public in these tough times.

Sport: Football

Let's put this in perspective: Everyone else is a distant 2nd, 3rd, etc. Let's also put this in perspective: Some crimes are understandable. A man who steals food to feed his family. A guy who sells drugs to pay for his mom's housing. It doesn't mean it's alright, but you can understand where the criminal is coming from.

That's what makes Hernandez's crimes so head-scratching. He was in the NFL. He had a 40-plus million dollar contract, complete with the largest signing bonus in the history of tight ends. Pretty much all you need to do is not kill anybody. But with Hernandez that was apparently too much. Now he's on the hook for (at least) three murders, and is being sued for shooting his friend in the eye. Instead of lounging in a 7,100 square foot., four-story mansion he sits in an 8 x 10 concrete cell that'd make your dorm feel like the essence of luxury. As if Hernandez wasn't going through a tough enough time at the moment, he lands at No. 1 on our list. Damn. Now we think the magnitude of what he did is finally hitting him.