Image via Complex Original
The NBA is the toughest of the "big four" leagues for an undeserving squad to hoist a championship trophy. In the NHL a goalie can get hot and carry his team. In the MLB a team can slump in the playoffs, or a pitching staff can ignite and shutdown an offense. In the NFL the postseason is one-and-done. One bad game from the favorite (say, Denver), can allow a lesser wild card (say, Baltimore), to an unforeseen upset on the path to the Lombardi trophy.
That's good and bad for the NBA. On the positive side, the team that wins the championship is most likely to be the best team in the league. That's what a champion should be. On the negative side, it can seem kind of boring with the season being one long string for, roughly, two dozen teams to play out. Who honestly sees seeds 7 and 8 shocking the world as the last team standing? The '95 Rockets stand as the lone team giving 6-seeds a small, and very rare, glimmer of hope.
Annually, there's really only a handful of legitimate title contenders. For a lot of squads in the NBA it would be a "moral victory" to simply make the playoffs. The playoffs are such a behemoth that they allow mediocre squads entry, which makes you wonder what the point of the regular season is exactly? So we thought we'd do our best to save fans a season of forehead vein-inducing frustration, in a season of developing (and then trading) young talent. Miami and Oklahoma City fans can feel free to gloat. For many of the other cities it's not so cut and dry.
When over half the league gets a postseason invite you know you have to reek to miss them. Here's 10 Reasons Why Your Team Won't Make The Playoffs,
They can't score.
Applies to: Philadelphia 76ers, Phoenix Suns, Charlotte Bobcats, Orlando Magic, Washington Wizards
No, it's not just a problem for your nerdy (insert rehashed cliche). In a league filled with ludicrous point totals and record amounts of three-pointers you've got to be able to put the ball in the hoop. That's pretty much the point of the entire sport. If you play Tom Thibodeau defense than this doesn't apply but none of the teams listed above do.
The only exception to the listed pushovers is Washington (who does play decent defense). In actuality, Washington has a good chance to make the playoffs since there aren't eight strong teams in the Eastern Conference (actually there aren't even six) but they'll be one of those "playoff by default squads" that gets dispatched in four-to-five first round games as a speed bump to an actual contender. That's better than missing the entire boat, but it just means your most exciting games will be in late-March and early-April instead of June. As for the rest of those squads, we're not sure if they're well-rounded ineptitude, constant clanks, and Jameer Nelsons will make them worth watching long past Thanksgiving.
They're already talking about blowing the roster up.
Applies to: New Orleans Pelicans, Toronto Raptors, Orlando Magic, Boston Celtics
Speaking of Jameer Nelson, he's already checking the real estate pages before the season's opening tip. If other people want you, at least it means you're probably not the problem.
It's never a good sign when you hear speculation about trading your best player in October. Usually that indicates there'll be a massive number in the 'L' column by the start of the new year. In Toronto, we're reading trade rumors involving Rudy Gay. With a new influx of suits calling the shots you can expect them to go in their own direction. In New Orleans, we're reading trade rumors about Eric Gordon. In Boston, we're reading everlasting rumors regarding Rajon Rondo. You want a GM who's not afraid to act, but damn let us dream until December at least.
They're really bad.
Applies to: Philadephia 76ers
When a columnist thinks he's going out on a limb to put your team in the double digit win column, that's not a good sign.
Prior to this upcoming season, Grantland wrote an article about "32 Bold Predictions" for this approaching campaign. No. 26 said: The Sixers Will Win More Than Nine Games. And then the sentence abruptly ended. It wasn't "Win More Than Nine Games (In December)," just nine games, period. With Nerlens Noel possibly sitting the whole season, it's going to make it that much more of a struggle to make it to that elusive second digit. What does this mean? There's a one-in-four chance that Andrew Wiggins will be a 76er next year. When they have a marketing campaign built around a long wait, then they're probably also looking towards the 2015 Draft.
Rebuilding takes a long time.
Applies to: Utah Jazz, Sacramento Kings, New Orleans Pelicans, Phoenix Suns.
If they're probably too young don't take a chance. It's a good rule of thumb for anyone who turned 18 and now has newfound responsibilites. And, for any of our gambling readers who feel like taking a longshot at a potential champion.
No sports fan ever wants to hear the dreaded 'R' word but honestly, if you're team's not headed for a playoff berth, then this is what you should want them to do. The worst position to be in is buying tickets for a party that's not developing young talent or putting guys out there who can win a Larry O'Brien (see: Lakers). So whenever you see Gordon Hayward miss a big shot, or Isaiah Thomas make a stupid turnover it'll make it easier* since you'll know they're developing. And, by the time you're saving for your kids' college fund, the team'll be ready to secure a 5-seed.
They play in the West.
Applies To: Dallas Mavericks, Los Angeles Lakers, Denver Nuggets, Portland Trail Blazers, Minnesota TImberwolves (Pick 3 of the 5).
The West may not be as top-heavy as the East but if your sole (pathetic) goal is to simply cash a playoff check then you'd be better off as a mediocre squad near the Atlantic.
A lot of analysts are stuck on who's just getting in out west: The Mavericks or the Timberwolves. We'll go with the Wolves but give them about the same chance of advancing to round two as the non-existent nine-seed. That's all contingent upon whether or not Kevin Love can stay healthy. If not, the Mavs may find themselves on cloud nine prior to getting swept by the Thunder, Spurs or Clippers.
As for the other two, we'll go bold and dismiss the Nuggets (who lost a lot and have a new coach). And we'll go not bold and dismiss the Trail Blazers. It'll make it all the more confusing when you see slide number one.
You're still Cleveland.
Applies to: Cleveland Cavaliers (makes sense)
One of the trendy underdog picks for first-round elimination this year is the Cavs. With Bynum on track to be healthy (at some point), along with a few offseason additions (Jarrett Jack, Earl Clark and Anthony Bennett), the return of their last successful coach (Mike Brown), as well as a year wiser Kyrie Irving they have the potential to make some noise before a prompt, and early, exit.
Now saying "You're still Cleveland" isn't our most empirical reasoning but we're talking about a long suffering sports city that sit in a quiet and dignified wait. Think about loyal Cavs fans, what would be worse: Missing the playoffs entirely? Or, getting eliminated by the Heat in in the first rond? Because, really, those are the two options.
Less talent with a new coach is a recipe for disaster.
Applies to: Boston Celtics
Losing: Jason Terry, Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Doc Rivers; while gaining Kris Humphries, Kelly Olynyk and Gerald Wallace...at least Beantown still has three other (solid) major sports teams to follow.
The upside is that the Celtics have nine first rounders over the next five years. The downside is that five years is a long fucking time. Longer if you factor in how long it'll take to develop (and oh, early indicators seem to imply that the brass will let Rondo walk after his contract's up). Many of you will have gotten married, divorced, or accidentally knocked a girl up (and, statistically, some of us will be dead). That means you won't have as much carefree time to sit around watching basketball. At least the original "Big Three" won once. If you want to know how it feels to get there, not finish it off, and still have to rebuild, then refer to our previous slide.
Changing your name won't change what's on the court.
Applies to: New Orleans Pelicans
Besides the obvious half-court logo, that is. The team with the wussiest name in the Association just isn't developed enough. Anthony Davis isn't there yet, (nor is Austin Rivers), and Eric Gordon is going to have to learn to play whilst wondering if he'll still be in New Orleans every night.
With additions like Tyreke Evans and Jrue Holiday, they could be fun to watch, but even if they surprise they're still in the West which will knock average teams out of the postseason (which is how it should be). Unless you're a fish there's no reason to fear a pelican, and we can't imagine their NBA representation is going to frighten many people on the schedule until, at least, 2016.
Casual fans can't name a single player on your team.
Applies To: Phoenix Suns, Sacramento Kings, Toronto Raptors, Orlando Magic
How many fans do you think can run off Luc Mbah a Moute? What about Manny or Tobias Harris? You don't necessarily need a true superstar, look at Memphis (no disrespect to Zach Rudolph...,er--Randolph). But when your top player is Goran Dragic it's tough to see you competing night after night in a "Superstar driven league." You either need talent spread evenly throughout the court, or a big-time player to rely on in clutch moments. Be honest Orlando, Victor Oladipo, and Nikola Vucevic don't comfort you down one, with the ball and four seconds left.
Age catches up with all of us.
Applies to: Los Angeles Lakers
All that experience doesn't matter if your body will only allow you onto the court for 25 minutes a night. Barring a time machine that can revert talent back to 2004, this team is screwed.
The most compelling (and absurd) storyline of last year's regular season concerned whether a team with: Steve Nash, Dwight Howard, Pau Gasol and Kobe Bryant, could even cling to an eight-seed (they shocked their critics and got a 7, before getting easily swept). A regular season reality that, literally, one or two people saw coming.
This season depends largely on the ability of their 35-year-old cornerstone to heal his tender achilles. There's no reason to believe that will happen anytime soon. That's not what you want to hear if you live in L.A. and have been pretending to like the Lakers for the past two decades. Their plight may once again make up the NBA's greatest regular season drama, especially since it'll be interesting to see who bears the brunt of the collective frustration now that D12 is in Houston.
