Gallery: Ranking Every NBA Mascot

As a kid you pulled their tails. Now, as an adult, you avoid eye contact with them. Mascot ranks amongst the bottom of the societal hierarchy along with pornstars and guys who writes about mascots. We kid! They've become commonplace, a con you have to put up with to catch a game in-person. Los Angeles fans you're lucky you've never had to encounter a failed actor dressed up like an idiot to entertain children and annoy everybody else.

There's nothing worse than going to a game, chatting up some babe only to have a gigantic stuffed animal hit you with bunny ears on the Jumbotron and then play a game of charades where you have absolutely no freakin' clue what he wants you to do. You try to show everyone you can play along, but through clenched teeth you're like "Okay...thank you. Get the hell out of here." And he just sits there doing something stupid while people laugh. You didn't pay 100 bucks to be center stage at the Improv with some dumbass who gets cheered for dunking with a trampoline and have to wonder whether this "man" pesters more people than he fires up.

As of this moment only a half dozen teams go to war without a cartoon character in team gear. We rounded up nearly every goofball (okay, so there's no Sacramento Gorilla or Duncan the Dragon. We're sure you're crushed) and rated them from worst to less worse. Here are 37 NBA Mascots ranked.

Team: Orlando Magic
Years active: 1989-Present

A giant dragon named after a song about smoking pot, without pants, dignity, and a dick. Easy choice. Seriously, look up top. The wussiest guy you know would make Stuff his bitch in general population.

Team: Philadelphia 76ers
Years active: Unknown-2011

Sounds like a name a rich white guy would come up with to appeal to the inner city. Hip Hop was axed after the end of the NBA lockout in a, reportedly, unanmious decision between the 76ers new ownership and the fans.

Team: Charlotte Bobcats
Years active: Created: 2003, Debut: 2004-Present

When you were young, games were the greatest thing ever. When you turned 21 they were an excuse to get hammered (especially in Charlotte). But we don't care how douchey a middle-aged man gets at a ballgame, we'll never point to a mascot and say "Hey look guys, there's Rufus D. Lynx." while applauding.

Team: Miami Heat
Years Active: 1991-Present

Marketing guru: "Hey fire's hot, why don't we make him a...a uh, flame!" Followed by a promotion.

Team: Dallas Mavericks
Years active: Unknown

Those encouraging people in the background are a part of the problem.

Team: Cleveland Cavaliers
Years active: 2003-Present

Hey Moon Dog we've got something for you to slobber on right here.

Team: Cleveland Cavaliers
Years active: 1995-1999

We hope they like popsicles. Hahahahahahaha *smashes face into keyboard.*

Team: Indiana Pacers
Years active: 2002-2010

Put to sleep.

Team: Detroit Pistons
Years active: Unknown-1996

Sir Slam A Lot, the knight that had absolutely nothing to do with Detroit. As you can see from the crowd above he sort of lost his "wow" factor.

Team: Brooklyn Nets
Years active: 2012-Present

Designed by Marvel and their most putrid work since the Fantastic Four movies.

Team: Dallas Mavericks
Years active: 2011-Present

One's hung like a horse and the other's a guy in a costume.

Team: Washington Wizards
Years active: 1997-Present

Honestly, we'd rather watch this guy crack his head on a giant bowling pin trying to be funny than watch the Wizards play.

Team: Indiana Pacers
Years active: 1991-Present

We have no idea what a cat has to do with a pace car. But here's a video of Boomer delaying a high school game. Then, at the end, some kids high-fived because they're in high school and you've also high-fived over stupid stuff in high school.

Team: Cleveland Cavaliers
Years active: 2010-Present

You'd think that Cleveland sports fans had suffered enough. But then Dan Gilbert and crew stuck them with this second mascot after they lost the "King."

Team: Boston Celtics
Years active: Unknown

The only mascot in the NBA that can't hide behind a giant stuffed cartoon head. You missed your chance to be part of the comeback.

Team: Toronto Raptors
Years active: 1995-Present

One of the least clever names in mascot history. But, if we were tasked with naming the mascot by a peppy ad team saying, "Be unique. Show off your creativity," We can't say that we wouldn't do the same. Also he's out for the season with a torn achilles.

Team: New Jersey Nets
Years active: 1997-2012

What a crew. Leave the GF at home when this squad hits the scene.

Team: Washington Wizards
Years active: Unknown

Cracks the Top 20 because that'd be a dope new logo.

Team: Atlanta Hawks
Years active: 1996-Present

Hey! Leave the shitty puns to us.

Team: Detroit Pistons
Years active: 1996-Present

Keep him away from Mr. Hands.

Team: Golden State Warriors
Years active: Unknown-2008

Thunder got the ax, joining both L.A. squads as well as the Knicks, 76ers and (for now) the New Orleans Pelicans as the only teams you can go see without worrying about a mascot dry humping your ear for a cheap laugh.

Team: Minnesota Timberwolves
Years active: 1989-Present

2012 Mascot of the Year winner, which is like winning an award for "Best Body" at fat camp, "Best Student" at Community College, or "Laziest Metaphor" on an internet slideshow.

Team: Portland Trail Blazers
Years active: 2002-Present

We're not sure who contributed more: Trail or Greg Oden.

Team: San Antonio Spurs
Years active: 1983-Present

What the hell does Crash Bandicoot strung out on meth have to do with the Spurs?

Team: Atlanta Hawks
Years active: 1985-Present

These teams really go overboard just to throw you a t-shirt, damn.

Team: Seattle SuperSonics
Years active: 1978-1985

The Wheedle's what happens when Shawn Kemp impregnates a muppet. Kemp joined the Sonics a few years later, but still.

Team: Memphis Grizzlies
Years active: 1995-Present

Those women look thrilled.

Team: Sacramento Kings
Years active: 1997-Present

Lion. King of the Jungle. Got it.

Team: Oklahoma City Thunder
Years active: 2009-Present

Here's an interesting fact: Rumble was the Mascot of the Year winner in 2009 his inaugural season. Oh wait, did we say interesting? Sorry about that.

Team: Houston Rockets
Years active: 1995-Present

At first you may wonder what a Bear has to do with The Rockets? But a gigantic rocket is just going to look like a walking dildo (a.k.a. the type of person you have to be to want to be a mascot).

Team: Denver Nuggets
Years active: 1990-Present

So close to becoming a hero.

Team: Charlotte/New Orleans Hornets
Years active: 1988-2013

Don't think hornets can be cuddly? Hug one of their nests and find out.

Team: Milwaukee Bucks
Years active: 1977-Present

We're waiting for the halftime show when this happens. Don't worry that deer's fine.

Team: Chicago Bulls
Years active: 1969-Present

From Benny's Wikipedia page: "He has become just as popular as some of the franchise's most notable figures, such as players Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen and Dennis Rodman, and head coach Phil Jackson." Boy, we'd like to see the citation on that.

Team: Seattle SuperSonics
Years active: 1993-2008

Not sure which odds are better. A real "Squatch" being discovered, or Seattle getting another team in this lifetime.

Team: Utah Jazz
Years active: 1993-Present

Oh look, here I am at a basketball game enjoying myself. Oh great, a guy dropped a damn cake on my head. Still, this bear sets the standard for out-of-control mascot tomfuckery. Like we said in the intro, don't make eye contact, lest you become part of his shtick.

Team: Phoenix Suns
Years active: 1980-Present

He's got absolutely nothing to do with the Sun. But, he's the only one of these mascots who we don't want to shoot. Go the Gorilla is the best of the worst, the only one of these clowns we'd think twice about before stomping on his foot and running away (though we'd still do it). This primate is our winner (though there were no winners here), next time the U.S. hosts the Summer Games just put Go out there with a trampoline to this classic jam and people will forget all about that opening ceremony in Beijing.