Image via Complex Original
The closing ceremonies are done, the athletes are heading back home and Bob Costas can finally rinse his f'ing eyes. With the games officially over, we can take a four-year break before we all pretend to care about bobsled and short track speed skating again. With the festivities concluded we now have the time to breakdown, analyze and figure out where these games will ultimately fit in the annals of Olympic history.
The most immediate takeaway from the 22nd Winter Games was the plethora of bad press that Sochi, and by extension Russia, got daily from social media. Some of what you know is true and some is BS. In a throwback to the Cold War, these games taught us that it's cool to lie about things when it makes our former rival look bad. The double toilet stall story turned out to be fake. A hotel wolf was a viral prank. The "Ass Ice Cream" turned out to be ass journalism. And the no fishing in your crapper sign was an Internet joke that seemingly every serious media outlet, from ABC to Bloomberg to 100 others, reported as their own spin on Russian incompetence. Even Brian Williams himself lied to all of us.
Still, there were some definite lowlights (word to Shaun White dropping out of X Games then failing to medal in the Olympics). And while some have claimed that the problems were embellished, it's kind of hard to give Sochi a pass given the $51 billion price tag. These were the most expensive games in history, regardless of season, a remarkable accomplishment for the winter version. To put it in perspective, these games were more than three times pricier than the 2012 Summer Games in London. To put it into further perspective, they're more expensive than every other Winter Olympics combined.
It was Russia's chance to make a statement on an international stage and show that the country is more than just a continuous parade in front of the Kremlin with float after float trumpeting Russian military might. Their post-Olympic legacy is yet to be determined. But they definitely had their bad share of PR. In fairness, when it comes to international sporting events it could be far, far worse. We mean far, far worse. Still, here are the Biggest Fails of the Sochi Winter Olympics.
Some hotels were still under construction.
Now that the Olympics are over, Sochi will have to deal with the post-Olympic tradition of not even coming close to making their money back. Athletes, journalists and fans will return to their respective countries telling stories of how their lobbies were not completed despite seven years of advance notice. It's the equivalent of mortgaging your house to throw an elaborate party and skipping on cleaning the house or fixing the plumbing. Not to state the obvious but there's really no point in finishing anymore.
During Opening Ceremonies the fifth Olympic ring fails to open.
Honestly, a ring not opening up isn't that big of a deal. But when you saw the international coverage of Russia's "embarrassment," you thought there might as well have been a donkey penis drawn on Vladimir Putin's forehead. The Russian telecast quickly improvised and showed a dress rehearsal where all five rings successfully opened, instead of cutting to the choreographer getting caned to death backstage.
In the Closing Ceremonies, Russia played it off living up to their legendary sense of humor.
Olympic flame burns out 44 times.
[insert your own joke about Russia's homophobia and the Olympic flame burning out.]
U.S. Bobsledder gets trapped in bathroom, then gets stuck in an elevator.
U.S. Bobsledder Johnny Quinn got stuck in his bathroom and then proceeded to go Kool-Aid guy on the inoperable POS. Later he got stuck in an elevator, which isn't as easy to bust your way out of.
British bobsledder Rebekah Wilson almost walks into an empty elevator shaft.
There's worse ways to go.
Cat crashes through roof of $32 million Adler Olympic Arena.
When you're in a rush and you're using corrupt contractors exploiting migrant workers (more on those later), karma is eventually going to catch up to you. Of course, by karma, we mean logic and last October logic came in the form of a cat that exposed a flaw in the whole "not paying laborers," construction scheme. It was reminiscent of when the Metrodome roof collapsed, or it would of been had it been brought down by a single fucking cat.
Not everything translates.
According to a free online translator Cok means juice making this the ultimate tease.
Forget about wiping your a**.
For most of us this shouldn't be a problem but Russian toilets reject paper. Use hose as a bidet if you're in a pinch.
Sochi's organic honey.
ABC correspondent Matt Gutman thankfully checked his condiments before spreading it on his food nipples, probably.
Russian hotels take a cue from American Airlines, charge extra for luggage.
Just like movie theaters: Adults - $10. Children - $5. Luggage - $3.
Russia allegedly surveils hotel showers.
This is one of those stories that sounds like a hoax but, as of now, appears legit. The revelation came when Russian Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Kozak accidentally blurted "We have surveillance video from the hotels that shows people turn on the shower, direct the nozzle at the wall and then leave the room for the whole day." Anyone who's ever had a bad roommate knows the nuisance of a run-up water bill. But anyone who's had a far worse roommate knows the annoyance of being unknowingly filmed naked. Russian officials hurried Kozak off the podium before he got be asked a follow-up like, for example, "Wait, what!?"
Like building toasters with forks in them.
Then again those cameras may come in handy when these wires create the greatest viral video of all-time.
Lolo Jones suspiciously makes the U.S. Bobsledding team, does not place.
With the good comes the bad. And with the Summer Olympics come the Winter Olympics. The problem for NBC is that nobody wants to watch curling or a 30 km. cross country skiing trek so they have to try any desperate ploy to get you to watch.
When the Bobsled becomes watching 50 straight runs, almost entirely identical but for the occasional scrape, then you got to put those years of experience in TV production to work. Cue Lolo Jones' inclusion and kick the more deserving Katie Eberling off the team. Jones and teammate Jazmine Fenlator finished in 11th meaning we're all still tied when it comes to Olympic medals.
NBC has denied their involvement but we remember how that Jay Leno to Conan O'Brien transition went down.
Bob Costas looks like he stared up a prostitutes butthole.
We'd like to make it clear that there's no evidence of this. We're just saying his eyes picked a bad time to get infected.
Sochi's climate fails to cooperate.
Sochi's average high in February is over 50 degrees, so this wasn't as much of a surprise as it would've been if the games were held in, say, Wisconsin. When the course gets warm (64 degrees) the fake snow gets tough. When the fake snow gets tough it makes world class athletes look like kids on a sledding hill. Maybe not the best idea to choose a tropical climate for the Winter Olympics. It makes us wonder if Cuba will ever get their turn.
Despite impending Paralympics, Sochi procrastinates on handicap access.
For $51 billion you think Russia could put a few ramps in their facilities, but the games have come under some fire for their failure to accommodate people with disabilities.
A few of the notable nuggets: Many Russian bus drivers don't know how to use wheelchair lifts. The Bolshoy Ice Dome's wheelchair seating is accessed from a doorway raised from the floor. Wheelchair lift instructions are in English only. And a disability bathroom is being used as a storage closet.
For the record, the Paralympics take place, after the now completed games, starting March 7th. Still, the country has come a long way. The last time Russia hosted the Summer games (1980) they refused to host the adjoining Paralympics because Russia "Didn't have disabled people." Huh...where have we heard a definitive statement that we all knew was BS before?
There are "no gay people in Sochi."
According to Sochi's mayor anyway. This declaration may come as a surprise to this guy or the many gay bars in the city. You see, during the Soviet era, Sochi was seen as the nation's bastion of tolerance but that slowly went out the window in 2007 when they won the bid for the Winter games. Now they're living in denial that's reached Iranian levels while simultaneously blowing their opportunity to re-invent their image as a result of the international spotlight.
Before the games, much was made of Russia's "just don't be pedophiles" advice to gays, but there really was no notable skirmish after Russia felt the wrath of a worldwide scorning. After all not being a pedophile is a good rule to live by, but singling out a single group just to be dicks has the tendency to not work very well.
Sochi's real manhole problem.
While Russia was protecting children from a non-existent pedophilia threat, they were getting their sewer covers stolen for $100 a pop.
The Russian estimate quadruples, making them the most expensive Olympics ever.
As we mentioned in the intro, this edition of the games cost three-and-a-half times more than the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. The games last 17 days, at a total cost of $51 billion that's $3 billion a day. When Russia bid on the games in 2007 they estimated the cost at $12 billion.
Opposition leaders have argued that Putin's friends have gotten roughly one-third of the games' funding. Out of that $4.5 billion (in the form of 21 contacts) have gone to Putin's childhood buddy Arkady Rotenberg who's been friends with Putin since childhood and continued that into a sparring partner with a chest mane that'd make Jon Hamm blush.
If you want to keep tabs on your Russian embezzlement (and who doesn't?) you can do so here.
Russia's take on eminent domain.
Every couple of years when the destination of the Olympics is being decided people always want the eyes of the world on their hometown. Stories like this make you wonder "Why?"
Roughly 2,000 families got their butts kicked onto the cold Sochi streets to make way for temporary ice skating venues and poorly designed skiing courses. The silver lining, of course, being that they could serve as homeless shelters now that the events are over.
In America they would cut you a check worth roughly the value of whatever the fuck they feel like giving you. In Russia they do the same, but sometimes they feel like giving you nothing. It has all the makings of a bad Yakov Smirnov joke.
Russia attempts to rebrand itself by killing man's best friend.
When you want the Olympics to show the world where you're at as a nation it's best not to use your platform performing acts that may sicken the international public. For example, poisoning a bunch of stray dogs. Keith Olbermann speculated that many of the dogs were displaced by the mass construction in the first place. He's probably right, but even if he isn't this will be quite a takeaway from the games in a nation trying to re-establish itself as a world power.
Migrant workers construct the venues, then get deported.
The Olympic Games require a lot of construction. Absolutely tons. Lots of construction requires cheap labor. Enter Russia's migrant workers.
First, Russia paid their migrant workers less than half of what they were promised to erect the Olympic facilities. Then, when a migrant worker, Martiros Demerchyan, complained about his un-notified 50 percent+ pay cut he was reimbursed by getting locked up and given a crow bar up the ass as his bonus.
After that he had to sign a phony confession that said he stole building materials. When he refused, five cops knocked a bunch of his teeth out and finally got him to sign a blank piece of paper. After he and hundreds of his cohorts who helped construct the elaborate settings were "done" (and this slide show establishes that they probably weren't) they got deported.
Now if that doesn't qualify as a fail, we don't know what does. But it was all worth it to watch...Dream Team, the 100m dash, yeah, on second thought, probably not worth it.
