The Great Debate: 10 Reasons To Drive A Vespa (And 10 Reasons Why They're Lame)

Thanks to black-and-white movies featuring suave dudes zigzagging along the Italian coast with sultry sexpots clutching them tightly—and Quadrophenia, of course—Vespas have a certain romantic appeal. But unless you're Gregory Peck and your passenger is Audrey Hepburn—and it's 1953—you will never look good riding one of those two-wheeled toys. (On the other hand, it's quite possible that we're missing something.) Join us as we entertain what we might look like on a Vespa, and how awful we'd feel if anyone ever saw us.

Complex Says: A mechanically sound 49cc Vespa averages 90 to 100mpg. Neither motorcycles nor cars have gas mileage that good. Ride a Vespa to keep more money in your pocket for more important things. Like video games. Or that hot new pair of kicks you've been eyeing. (Go ahead, we won't tell.)

Complex Says: The 2011 Vespa GTS 300 costs $6,000. For $2,000 more, you can pick up a 2012 Harley-Davidson Sportster 883. Sure, it's a starter bike, but it's still a motherfucking Harley. Better yet, pick up a used Sportser for less than five grand. Even better yet, buy any other bike from any other maker, even Yamaha.

Complex Says: In most states, you don't need a special license (beyond a basic drivers' license) for a two-wheeled vehicle, as long as it's 49cc or less. If you're thinking of getting a bigger bike, but you're not totally committed yet, why not try this out first? Many of the skills are the same, and if you get an old-school Vespa, you'll actually need to shift--like you do with a motorcycle. When you're ready to sell, Vespas generally hold their value, too--as long as you treat them right. Think of it like training wheels for your future iron beast.

Complex Says: More accurately, a guy named James Oswald Hoffmann was responsible for manufacturing the officially licensed German Vespa in the 1950s. Not 10 years earlier, during WWII, Hoffmann had been decorated by Hitler himself for making such fine army equipment. Also consider that the Vespa was introduced by Italian industrialists only after their military factory was destroyed by Allied troops (that's us, the good guys).

Complex Says: Vespa's parent company, Piaggio, makes some bigger scooters than the classic Vespa everyone thinks of when they hear that name. The BV Tourer 300 and 500, as well as the entire MP3 line, have a lot of storage space. You can pick up groceries for your mom and get back on her good side. Try doing that on a sportbike. Modern Vespas like the GTS 300, GTS 300 Super, and GTV 300 don't do poorly in the storage space department, either.

Complex Says: There's an old joke: What do fat girls and mopeds have in common? They're both fun to ride, but don't let your friends catch you doing it. Unless you're a delivery guy. Then, and only then, you're supposed to be riding a moped. (Yes, Vespas are mopeds.)

Complex Says: What's that, you say? That printer won't fit in your under-seat storage compartment? Strap it to the back with bungees. Experiment with bigger and more hilarious things, like giant packs of toilet paper. Then take lots of photos to share with your friends on Facebook and Twitter. Your opportunities for comic genius are only limited by your imagination. Everything's funnier when it's strapped to the back of a Vespa. (Note: we at Complex do not recommend strapping live animals to the backseat. Unless you're talking about your little brother.)

Complex Says: Even the cheapest rice-burner can be pimped-out with a custom tank, loud pipes and racing colors. What do Vespas owners do to their two-wheeler vehicular abortions? Treat them like third-grade art projects.

Complex Says: When you have a Vespa, you're entitled to park the way other two-wheeled vehicles park: at a perpendicular angle to the sidewalk. Most municipalities frown on parking your scooter on the sidewalk, so resist the urge to chain your Vespa to a bicycle rack, unless you know your city permits it. But the fact that you can squeeze into spots no car could ever fit should make you feel less frustrated about parking--especially riding in congested areas. It still doesn't solve your, "I'm only standing here with my hazard lights on in a permit-only street, Officer, not actually parking" woes, though. You're on your own with that one.

Complex Says: When they're not waving to each other from the bike lanes, Vespa owners (known as "Vespistis") are swapping stories about taking their dinky Italian mopeds "upstate" or "on the back roads." More often than not, they're riding with a "scooter club." Men don't join scooter clubs. They play football. They play poker. They even join book clubs if their girlfriend insists. But they don't check in at meetups with scooter clubs.

Complex Says: Motorcyclists have their own special two-fingered wave that everyone else they share the road with doesn't understand. If you're a Vespa rider, people just smile and wave at you--the way that everyone understands. And you can't help but smile and wave back. You can be having the shittiest of days, then climb on your Vespa and be in a good mood by the time you get home.

Complex Says: No matter what San Francisco's art director community says, Vespas are no longer hip and trendy. In fact, they're very close to being suburban and trashy. On a recent episode of Toddlers & Tiaras—the town square for America's garbage people—one of the little slutestants rode a kid-size, electric-powered Vespa knockoff. If something is trendy in Alabama, stay away.

Complex Says: If certified hardcore motorcycling badasses like seven-time MotoGP World Champion Valentino Rossi can ride a Vespa (and even have a special Valentino Rossi-edition Vespa issued in their honor), we're pretty sure it's OK for you to ride a Vespa. Do you wanna pick a fight with Vale about anything on two wheels? We sure don't.

Complex Says: Lady Gaga. Anne Hathaway. The Jonas Brothers. Leonardo DeCaprio. Matthew Broderick. Kate Gosselin. Gwyneth Paltrow. Jamie Oliver. The list goes on…

Complex Says: 49cc Vespas can get up to 90mph. The bigger ones can go up to 115mph. And that's stock. There's a whole world of aftermarket modifications for Vespas that can help you get quicker off the line and maybe even find a few more horses under that tiny, tiny frame. What's even more excellent is that no one will expect you to be fast. We can't think of anything better than an ass-whupping that no one saw coming...especially from a Vespa! They only don't see it coming because they don't know that "Vespa" means "wasp" in Italian. They don't expect the sting.

Complex Says: In a contest between a car and a pedestrian, the car always wins. So, too, it goes with Vespas. Drivers of real automobiles will not yield, will not brake and will not give way to your two-wheeled toy. At least real bikers can look scary and demand respect.

Complex Says: Ferrari. Lamborghini. Maserati. Ducati. Our point is, Italy's full of cool shit. Trust the Italians. We do.

Complex Says: Again, even the shittiest rice-burner can sound tough, whether it's a high-pitched whine that says speed or a nut-rumbling growl that says "get the fuck out of my way." A Vespa's engine sounds (and drives) like a lawnmower on Red Bull.

Complex Says: OK, so the ladies might also love LL Cool J on a Vespa a little bit more. But that shouldn't stop you from riding one yourself and getting in on some of that action. You should ride a Vespa because it's right up there with cute puppies, as far as girls are concerned. Maybe you won't be the fastest in the stoplight wars, but will you really care when you have a fine girl holding tight and giggling in your ear? We didn't think so. Or, to summarize: Olivia Wilde.

Complex Says: Milhouse!