Image via Complex Original
Enjoy the optimism of a fresh bracket while it lasts. By this time Saturday, half of your Sweet Sixteen will be watching the Tournament from a dorm room and your chances of winning the office pool will be as strong as your second quarter sales numbers. Every year you fill out a bracket at work, hoping that your pool winnings will supplement for a missed promotion or crappy company dental plan. Instead, some soccer mom who's never watched a second of college basketball in her life wins in a landslide. Your professional plight continues with the 10 Types of People Who Win Office March Madness Pools (spoiler alert: it won't be you).
The Know-it-All
Final Four: Louisville, Wisconsin, Florida, Syracuse
Chances of winning: 20 percent
He's supposed to be in charge of "strategic partnerships" but since that doesn't mean anything, he spends most of his days trolling Grantland and spouting off whatever he read like they're his original thoughts. Since Fantasy Football season ended, he's been itching to fire up the old Yahoo! profile for some March Madness action. It's his one shining moment, so prepare yourself for 45-minute-long water cooler talks about how the "Mountain West is underrated."
The Know-Nothing
Final Four: Louisville, Ohio State, Michigan, Miami
Chances of winning: 60 percent
She doesn't know Trey Burke from Cal Ripken, Jr., but because her picks are rooted in "cute team colors" and not ESPN talking heads, she has her entire Elite 8 still intact. Ohio State's coming on strong and that chic scarlet and gray color scheme will have her swimming in green this year.
The Disgruntled Worker
Final Four: Whatever, Who Cares, Iowa State, Indiana or whatever
Chances of winning: 2 percent
He's been in the windowless research department far too long and has developed a profound resentment for the company. Every time the "Office Fun Committee" organizes a "Chili Cook Off" or "Secret Santa Exchange" this guy passive aggressively says "he's full" or re-gifts a five-pack of warm Sprite. He's scribbled down a few winners, but his handwriting is illegible. Probably on purpose.
The Guy Who Pits Mascots Against One Another and Takes Hypothetical Winners
Final Four: Memphis, Arizona, Michigan, Miami
Chances of winning: 15 percent
Unfortunately, this year's bracket features Bulldogs, Jayhawks, and Hoosiers at the top of the field and all of those things would get their asses beat by an asthmatic Steve Urkel. Unless the Miami Hurricanes can make a run, this guy just threw away his buy-in.
The Homer
Final Four: Their school over everything
Chances of winning: Unless they went to Indiana or Louisville, 10 percent
It doesn't matter if they're a No. 2 seed or in the play-in game, this guy has a die-hard allegiance that he's riding all the way to the championship. For whatever reason, crippling student debt and a worthless bachelor's degree fosters a powerful devotion for "The Homer." He's changed his desktop background to a team logo and can't wait to bust out the college hoodie on casual Friday.
The Chalk
Final Four: Louisville, Gonzaga, Kansas, Indiana
Chances of winning: 71 percent
No one fills out a bracket faster than this guy. He has nothing but No. 1 and No. 2 seeds in the Elite Eight and it's Indiana and Gonzaga over everything in the Final. If this ends up being the lamest NCAA Tournament in history, he'll have the privilege of splitting his pool money with, like, nine other executive-types without a creative bone in their bodies.
The Cinderella Story
Final Four: Creighton, Harvard, VCU, Temple
Chances of winning: 5 percent
There's a lot said of mid-majors and Cinderella stories, but year-after-year the Final Four is dominated by national powerhouses. One could argue that there aren't any elite teams in this year's bunch, but the Final Four will still be a set of titans out of the Big Ten and Big East.
The Plagiarist
Final Four: Duke, Ohio State, Georgetown, Indiana
Chances of winning: 45 percent
He's ripped The Sporting News's mock bracket verbatim and is passing the whole thing off as his "expert opinion." You've seen him claim your ideas as his own in email chains and his bracket stinks of the same fraud. Knowing your luck, he'll probably win.
The Coin Flipper
Final Four: Michigan State, Arizona, Kansas, Marquette
Chances of winning: 25 percent
Because of his inability to make a decision, this guy's been in middle management since 1997. Fortunately for him, the NCAA Tournament is as much a crap shoot as joint ventures, so he might actually capitalize on a deal for once.
The Strategist
Final Four: Oklahoma State, Gonzaga, VCU, Miami
Chances of winning: 30 percent
This employee has the Excel sheets cranked up to 11, but it's not because they're balancing the books. Since Selection Sunday they've been using trends and market intelligence to create a complicated data model and team projection. Will it work? Nah. They'll probably get crushed by the intern who picked straight underdogs.
